Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, July 16, 2007

Some things you probably didn’t know.

Superman had a drug problem. You see, he liked to smoke Kryptonite. Oh sure, he knew it was bad for him, but he did it anyway being the rebellious kind of superhero he was. One day he was nodding off in the alley after taking a couple of big hits off a K-blunt. The ashes fell on his super uniform and burned a hole in a strategic part of his outfit. Later that day, he was attempting to help a lady who’s purse was being stolen but she rebuffed his assistance saying, “I don’t want to take help from... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:30 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, July 15, 2007

An old one slightly re-done.

Breakfast at the Hard Rock Café. I called out for another drink, the waiter brought a tray. Tracy Chapman got arrested for speeding, turns out she really does have a fast car. Mornings at the Hard Rock start off with a stiff drink, one whiskey, one scotch and one beer to be precise. Then the gossip begins. Someone mentions, “I heard David Blaine got married.” Her friend answers, “oh really, who did he sweep off of his feet now?” Carlos Santana leans over and whispers, “some black magic woman.”... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:30 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, July 13, 2007

Sometimes you just don’t want to know

One hundred two point six degrees in the shade, I was doing ok until I knew just exactly how hot it was. Sure, I had an idea it was hot as I was pedaling my bike (downhill) and my arm hairs started to singe. At first I attributed it to the friction from my breakneck speed. Then I realized I was only in second gear, and coasting at that! It also occurred to me that every ten seconds or so on the radio and TV the main topic was the expected high of 107 degrees. Fahrenheit that is. It’s not too bad... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 2:57 PM | add or view comments (11) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Amazing things ~ imagined or real?

An infinite number of monkeys successfully produced all the works of William Shakespeare, as predicted by sheer chance. Immediately they were sued for plagiarism by an equally infinite number of lawyers as predicted by anyone with half a brain. An Oregon man tied not quite an infinite number of helium balloons to a lawn chair and flew 195 miles. The flight ended in misfortune as he attempted to make s’mores with a propane torch. Pop music stars round the world unleashed a barrage of carbon... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 3:44 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, July 7, 2007

A warped History lesson.

George Washington, father our country was also a forward thinker when it came to health care. He was among the first to try the then revolutionary (he was into revolutionary stuff it seems) wooden dentures. I mean, if the choice was teeth made of Birch or Pine or no teeth at all, I would opt for the former, wooden chew? Of course those early dentures were prototypes so it is not surprising to hear they had a few problems. Tongue splinters come to mind. One of George’s Lieutenants: “Uh, sir, I... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 3:52 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

A summer re-run

Beam me up Squatty! Wouldn’t it be great if there were actual transporter rooms to replace the clumsy, slow and dangerous forms of travel we presently employ? Just think, step onto a little circle, state you destination and “twinkle, twinkle, twinkle” you arrive instantly, look around and equally as instantly your luggage is somewhere to the left of Andromeda 9 while you are in Topeka. Well, some things never change, I suppose. That thought starts a chain reaction of other thoughts, doubtful... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:12 AM | add or view comments (8) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Horrible thoughts

Warning, this is a home-made joke, as such it may not be fit for consumption by those with severe pun allergies. The National PUN Alert center advises extreme caution as you approach this pun, please, do not try this in your own living room. The bathroom, or a smoky bar, maybe. Ok, so see, a scientist invented the perfect drug, it had no side effects, was not habituating nor did it cause socially unacceptable behavior. He called it Mental Unbiased Nirvana Ganga. Of course it had an acronym, but... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 5:39 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, June 29, 2007

Train of thought – All Aboard!

I just got an e-mail offering a colon cleanser. I wonder…how do they know I even need that? Maybe I don’t want to know. High overheard North East Washington State the Colon Cleanser XY#2 Big Job satellite glides through the inky blackness of space looking for those telltale skidmarks on underwear hanging on the clothes line drying. For all you cyber generation X and Ys that is a solar clothes dryer. Suddenly the F4.5 double dioptemetric lens zooms in on a raunchy pair of BVDs swaying in the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:29 PM | add or view comments (9) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

‘Splosions

The 4 th of July is a firecracker of a holiday. And the safety dogs have been nipping at the heels of those intent on blowing off a finger or two. I just heard a public service announcement on the radio that was sponsored by (at least I think it was) The people who are against anything fun or remotely risky like dialing your cell phone with your thumb instead of the forefinger. The ad intoned to “don’t let unattended children play with fireworks” However my poor ears heard “don’t let unintended... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:37 PM | add or view comments (8) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, June 23, 2007

A new word

Every now and then a new word pops into my head. Today’s word is an everyday word we all use, yes, even you and if you don’t, well you should. Pretty much. Anyway, the word for today has many uses, most of them derogatory (and aren’t those the best kind?) but sometimes it can be helpful. So, without much further ado, the word is skroom. For example: Boss: Marketing says we have to re-design our whole line, only that will make them so they don’t work and are harder to manufacture. Production:... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:01 PM | add or view comments (10) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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