Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Perhaps it was jus a bad dream.

So there we were, in a bar in Tulsa singing Carrie Underwood songs. You know, singing Carrie Okie? A good pun is like a slap in the brain that tickles, sort of. I saw a performance once where a guy sang songs composed of the names of hurricanes. Singing the blews I suppose. Hey, how was I to know it would blow? Concocting puns on the fly is always edgy. You’re bound to cross the line every now and then and for me that’s good since I usually spend my time on the side of the line frequented by bad... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

A brush with fate.

Now, I like painting as much as the next guy and he doesn’t like it worth a damn. The sad thing is, I’m pretty good at it. I can get right next to window sills and such and usually “cut them in” without using masking tape or fancy contraptions. There are a few things that drive me nuts about the job though. Every time I put the roller down, I am attacked by hordes of tiny flying saucers. Until I clean my glasses, at which time they beat a hasty retreat, knowing that the next time I see them, I... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Primed for action

The tools of the trade were at hand. They were laid out in order, not necessarily in order of use, but at least they all fit on the table. I faced the empty room, rolled up my sleeves and dipped the roller into the tray and began to prime the walls in preparation for a color change. It’s odd on all those home improvement shows they get 24 hours or two days to re-do a room and it always involves painting. Three hours later, the first gallon of primer is gone and the walls look like someone has... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

There is a pussy in my pants

This is not a misleading headline. Ok, they are not my pants, they are my son’s dirt bike riding pants, so sue me. And the kitten’s name is Lilian, Lily for short and she is short. It’s funny how cats like to crawl in where they think they are hiding. I’d like to hide too, but I couldn’t fit in there with her, at least not without sustaining cat scratch fever to places I’d rather not have clawed. Sort of like the book Revenge of the Tiger by Claude Bahls. I know, it’s not original, but I think... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Inspired by Ariala in a left handed way

I’m here, I weird, get used to it! I make it a practice to eat leftovers with my left hand, did I get that right? When it comesto stuffing my pie-hole, I am somewhat of an expert as my scale can attest, or rather protest. It’s one of those talking jobs, you know, “Oh, God, not the pachyderm again, my springs are already sagging, make it quick, have mercy!” A scale with an attitude, now there’s a weighty matter, if it matters at all. Baseball fans are into Bondage over Barry’s breaking of... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Waiting for inspiration to bite me on the butt.

Time to post more humor I see. So I sit in a little room waiting to be funny. Of course, there is nothing funny about bees, the buzz is, you can get stung doing the research. Speaking of research, every morning I have to search for my keys, then by the time I get ready to go to work, I have to re-search for them. Turns out, they were in my pocket and I was happy to see them. Hmm, I wanted to key in on something for this piece, but it slipped my mind. I wonder if the person that first invented... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Butt first a few words from our sponsors

Baggy elbow skin? Why not donate your extra “elbow bags” to the foundation for people who have no elbow skin? Think of going through life without being able to use your elbows due to no extra skin there to allow normal flexibility. How can these poor people wipe their butt? Did you ever think about that? This very rare condition can limit activities such as golf, snooker and masturbation, not to mention brushing one’s teeth. Celebrities around the world are joining this cause and are in fact... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

A blast from the past, warp 9 style

Star Trek, the unseen adventure. “Kirk here…….prepareenginesfor…….warpedthoughs…….when…williteverend?” The graceful white Starfleet ship banks into a turn, going boldly where no man has gone before. “Captain, my impeccable logic tells me we are lost, once again, thus, going where no man has gone before.” “Well Spock, that only makes sense, the captain is after all a man, and he simply refuses to ask for directions. And if you’ve seen the commode in his quarters, I would say if he hit the bowl,... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Summer

These are the times that fry the souls of men. So, how hot was it? It’s so hot, the milk coming out of the cows is already pasteurized. It’s so hot, all the sidewalks have been Teflon coated so the eggs frying there don’t stick. It’s so hot the sun is sweating. It’s so hot, that people from Phoenix think they are home. The trouble with: Going out on a limb is when the branch breaks. Sticking your neck out is finding you’re surrounded by a guillotine. Keeping you nose to the grindstone is... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

All work and no play...

I worked over 70 hours this week, so I'm feeling kind of weak here at the weak end and the week end. My blogging has suffered, or maybe improved, it's kind of hard to tell. In hindsight I wish I had said my hind sight isn't so good when I'm sitting down. There is a difference I am told between setting and sitting, but I don't know what it is. I do try to practice both as much as I can stand and I can stand to sit a long time, even if it is confusing. At work I sometimes get sleepy in the... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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