Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Dripping with enthusiasm

My nose drips faster than raindrops off the roof of my house. As the weather has turned cold, it seems I have somehow picked up a cold as well. I am plagued with raking coughs and wake up three or four times a night with a mouth drier than sandpaper. It is at times like these that the human condition seems less than miraculous. In the morning, every breath is a laborious effort and I would be better off to stay in bed, but the American work ethic being what it is, one must show up for work as... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Trying to keep the blah out of blog

Trying to keep the blah out of blog Writers blah-k got you down booby? Occasionally it seems there is nothing to write about. How can that be when we have Michael Vick to kick around? Every dog has their day and a few would like to have a day with Mr. Vick, no doubt. This is one case where law enforcement took a bite out of crime. How about that Barry Bonds? After breaking one of baseball’s crowning achievements, he is not a beloved hero, but someone who accomplished something by taking... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

One re-run two late.

Friday Night Jam That’s right pygmies, it’s time for a jam session with one brain. This is my brain. This is not my brain on drugs. Some friends invited me to a jam session once, I took some strawberry preserves and two-day old toast, I wasn’t the toast of the town, but I did manage to paint something red. Why, if you are going out on the town, would you want to paint it red? Painting is work, playing is, well, playing. Perhaps your Friday is time to “get a snoot full” but frankly, putting booze... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Science, why you are the way you are.

And other things explained. First, everyone wants to know, “what am I made of?” Well, if you’re female, it’s sugar and spice and everything nice. Now you know. Seriously, look at your finger, it’s pink and sticks out of your hand. Lots of people spent hours looking at their fingers in the 60s but I digress. If you look closer, you will see nails, knuckles and stubbly little hairs. Of course all these parts are made up of even smaller parts and so it goes until you get to the quarks and gluons.... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

How do you put your pants on?

Don’t tell me one leg at a time, how mundane is that? I do this with great regularity, I set back on the bed and pull my pants over both legs at once. Why? Just so if someone says, “I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else”, I can say, “well, I put mine on both legs at once!” Then you can make up some fanciful story about using a trampoline to bounce up and jump into your pants or maybe about hanging them on the clothes line and jumping off the roof into them. Of course you... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, September 24, 2007

My trees is haunted!

Something weird is going on. I cleaned the leaves off the lawn and the next morning, someone had taken more leaves off the trees and put them in my lawn. What should I do? Someone said that is the nature of trees in the Autumn, but I’m not falling for that! Leaf me a loan. You’ve heard - Spring has sprung the grass has riz I wonder where the hell the Petunias is? Well try this - Fall has fell the grass is flat the Petunias are dead I’m madder than hell! As one leaf said to the other, “that’s why... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Words and meanings

My day went south. What does that mean? Our project didn’t go as planned and by the time we figured out why, there was no time left in the day for a do-over, so we just packed it in and went home. My boss uses the phrase, “went south” for when things aren’t going good, but what about other parts of the country? To a person in Texas or Georgia, the phrase, “went south” might have quite the opposite meaning. To them a bad day may be described as “going north” for all I know. And what about New... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

After thorough consideration

It is time to kick the train of thought right off it’s tracks. The tracks of my tears, knock on wood. Musically speaking, one can make sentences out of song titles and don’t call me liar, liar, pants on fire. Do you know the way to San Jose, on the road again? Six days on the road, little deuce coupe runnin’ on empty, mama get down those rock and roll shoes. Well, it almost made cents, a penny for my thoughts. I would imagine there was this Polish spy who said, “If I told you my job, I would... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

World has new tallest building

Visitors exclaim, “look, you can see the ground from up here!” Ok, maybe I lost something in the translation since this building is in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. This lofty structure earned that status in July even as finishing work continues. When one thinks of tall buildings, those grand accomplishments of dizzy architects and even dizzier construction workers, grandiose names come to mind. Of course there were the World Trade Center, then The Empire State Building or maybe The Sears Tower.... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

I thought you should know

Smuggling uncovered at Guantanamo. Prisoners at Guantanamo Bay prison camp have been caught red-handed, sort of, in a scandal that just might rock the military. Just what have the prisoners managed to sneak into prison? Cakes with files? No, file that under old hat. New turbans? You guessed it, more old hat. Weapons, of mass or minimal destruction? Wrong again booby. What does every prisoner want? Underwear! That’s right, according to an AP story by Ben Fox, two prisoners… “were caught wearing... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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