Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Knew years revelations

We all do it. Vow to stop drinking as we hurl fine wine into a filthy toilet with sounds like a train having dental work without benefit of anesthetics. We promise ourselves that “next year” we won’t eat so much, but continue to forage because, “hey, it isn’t 2008 just yet.” Now would be a good time to look back and reflect on things not done. After all, with each passing year, there is less time to do those things we say we want to do. Well, if we really wanted to do them, why wait for a new... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:47 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Making snow men

First, most snow men traditionally have been made of three snowballs. A guy with three balls? Snow men remain cool, no matter how attractive the women may be that walk by him. From all we know about real men, show us a good looking lady and we lose our cool pretty quick. A man returning a snow shovel to the store, it is obviously defective. Drop dead gorgeous customer service person: May I help you sir? (I should point out here that her hair is golden flax falling down around her shoulders like... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 3:35 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 28, 2007

Come wiz me to my crawl space!

Not as cool as zee Kasbah, no!? Oh come on now, who among us hasn’t relished the thought of wriggling through a hole to visit the underbelly of one’s house? Isn’t it time you re-established your relationships with things that like to live in the dark? Usually, the reason they are called crawl spaces is the very thought of entering them makes the back of one’s neck crawl. That and the term “crawl” is very descriptive of the way one gets around under there. It is with very slow, deliberate... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 2:45 PM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 27, 2007

The true meaning of Christmas

C is for the calories you’ll be consuming. H is for those hips where the calories go to rest. R is for the rustling of wrapping paper turning the living room into a mess. I is for the imbibing that makes the day so damn merry. S is for the stress that starts before Thanksgsiving. T is for the tree, now tinder dry that could ignite at any moment. M is for the mayhem travelers endure. A is for Adult behavior that abandons everyone in the exchange line. S is, you guessed it, for the stress of... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:40 AM | add or view comments (8) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, December 24, 2007

An upgrade from 2005

A brief history of Santa Clause. In the beginning there was no Santa Clause. There were only Adam and Eve and they were Jehovah’s Witnesses so there were no gifts. Soon after, they procreated, (which they did like pro’s, naturally) and then there were children who rebelled (yeah, I know you’re thinking rebels without a Clause - don’t get ahead of me) who had children who rebelled even more and soon there were Christians and Christmas. The wise men (forefather’s of Sam Walton) saw to it that gift... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 1:01 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Shiny new snow blower with slightly bent handles.

The beer stop took longer than I anticipated, but my attitude has improved greatly. The whole unloading farce seems just the tiniest bit funny to even me by now. Ok, time for the oil. I carefully check the label to make sure I have the recommended product, but all these seem to be fuzzy, bad printing no doubt. After double-checking the manual three times, I open the oil and begin pouring. Not wanting to overfill I keep checking the dipstick. I am impressed that a Briggs and Stratton would have a... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:05 AM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 21, 2007

Shiny new Snow Blower

Snow removal, I have decided, is not a job suited for ancient technology such as snow shovels. What I need is a shiny new snow blower. A mighty snow throwing machine should make this arduous task something I will look forward to! So there it is in the back of my pickup glistening in the failing light of dusk and I am eager to unload it and get on with blowing some snow. It looks sorta heavy though. The neighbors have already gathered at their windows to watch this process. Somehow, my yard... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:11 AM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Columbo and Santa

So, let me get this straight Santa was born in a manger because it was empty since Rudolph was out back with the gang smoking Chronic and playin’ mumbeldy-peg (which as we all know, is not a Reindeer game). Three Wise-Guys came in to secure zoning clearance for a new Wal-Mart. They were riding Camels because the Surgeon General didn’t know any better in those days. They brought gifts for the city council. Frankenstien, and Murray Gould. Extra muscle in case the local politicians got greedy.... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 4:52 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Butt first a word from our sponsors

Quick, how many calories in microwave popcorn? This is an open book test to see if you see what I saw and no, it wasn’t a see-saw. There on the nutrition label of the bag I just made (and no Dave Berry, if you’re reading this, I did not make this up) it gave the caloric content, popped and unpopped! Why on earth would they have the food value of unpopped pop corn? Oh sure, I’ve seen a few people who’s dental state of health looks like they have eaten a bag or two of old maids, but really?! And... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:44 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, December 17, 2007

Winter’s icy blasts

There is a maniac in my neighborhood that stands and curses the falling snow. That would be me. I have told this story before, but I think it bears repeating. It may look like an idyllic white Christmas scene to some, but to me it is leaden with horrors that would make “Nightmare on Elm Street” look tame by comparison. “The white blanket of snow lies heavy o’er the land” might be the thoughts of the poet, but my thoughts are more like “I’d like to be able to wave my hand and have all this cold... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:55 PM | add or view comments (9) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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