Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Things I was thinking at work.

Was the whirlpool bath invented by a Frenchman named Jaques Kuzzi? Since everyone (well, most everyone) likes to read in the bathroom, someone should invent toilet paper that is also a newspaper. Talk about getting wiped out by the financial section. When frogs talk about impending death (and you know they must) do they say, “I hope I don’t talk?” Are skunks reviled by perfume? It’s pretty cold out right now. This is where you say, “how cold is it?” And then I would say, “It’s colder than a well... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Kitten at the keyboard

This is the most difficult post I have ever written. Our three month old kitten is perched on my shoulder, intently watching the monitor. Not only is she a computer geek, she apparently thinks she is a parrot. Just what I need, a defective cat. Me: I’d like to return this kitten. Pet Store: What seems to be the problem? Me: She thinks she’s a parrot. Pet Store: What makes you say that? Me: Well, she sits on my shoulder. Pet Store: Lots of cats do that. Me: And shriek, “yo ho, blow the man down?”... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Don’t squash the Walrus

Goo, goo kachoob. I never understood really whether the Walrus was Paul or Paul was the Walrus. Those were strange times, a lot like 5:93a.p.m. A bunch of angels were dancing on the head of a pen, then someone pushed the plunger, now it’s a holy mess. Strange is in this year, maybe that’s why the Chinese New Year will be the year of the Newt Gingrich. Speaking of strange, I hear Amy Whitehouse is going to rehab, yeah, yeah, yeah! Where have all the flowers gone? It’s winter idiot, they’re all in... Sign in to see full entry.

Do you talk to your computer?

You know, “no…don’t do that!” And the ever popular, “now why’d you go and do that?” I would imagine at an office with multiple computer workstations, it must sound like an idiots convention. “Now where did I put that?” “Don’t you freeze up on me, you son of a Bill Gates!” “Delete? I didn’t hit the delete key.” “File not found, you stupid machine, its right there!” “No, no, no, I don’t want to load that page, I want to get rid of it!” It would be one thing if we were talking to our computers with... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Going to hell in a what?

Hand-baskets, what’s so evil about that? I mean, if one is going to hell, how does the mode of transportation figure into the picture? Once you arrive at the underworld, and your luggage doesn’t - it’s hell after all, the everlasting torture begins and soon all thoughts of your journey evaporate into eternal hell-fire and damnation. Come to think of it, hand-baskets might be preferable to most airlines one could name. Who wants to go to hell with a screaming kid kicking your seatback and a large... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Stream of semi-consciousness

I slid down the hill to get the mail. My memories of winter when I was a kid involved a lot of sliding. Some of that sliding involved sleds, toboggans, skis and the like. We were so poor we could only cut out pictures of the above from the Montgomery Ward catalog and slide on those. Sometimes our car would slide as well, those were the days before studded tires. Othertimes when it was really slick out, we would just run and slide on our feet, like an absent minded ice skater. That was when I was... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, January 21, 2008

I don’t know!

It’s like this you see. My aunt had a very strange collection. My uncle was a contractor who built highways all over the world. He would bring home core samples of the different materials they used and stored them in his garage. After he died, she decided to make the garage into a museum since some of those projects were historical in nature. Right about now, you are wondering, “ok Food, I’m getting an uneasy feeling that you are going somewhere with this, am I being set up?” And right about... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Snow joke! With photos

I used to walk uphill both ways to school through the snow. Right about now, you should be saying, “oh come on Food, you don’t expect us to believe that old crap now do you?” And right about now I would answer, “you’d better, because it’s the truth.” The truth is, we lived about a half-mile from the school, not really that long of a walk. Between our house and the school house the road went up over a very slight hill. The rise in the hill is about 50 feet or so, just enough so you know you are... Sign in to see full entry.

You are programmed to crave fat!

How can this be? I’ll tell you how. Back in the caveman and even pre-caveman (oops, make that caveperson) days, the diet of the typical human being was pretty lacking in fats. That diet consisted mostly of grubs, nuts, berries, grains, wild game and things lying around that weren’t too gross to eat. There were no candies, ice creams, chips, pies or Filet Mignons to gird one’s middle. As you can see, right from the start, our cells are merely acting on instructions handed down from their... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Writer’s strike cripples industry

Hollywood is oozing ratings. Male writers have donned women’s garb as the strike drags on. Heh, heh. Somehow the commercials are keeping up their onslaught, whoever writes those things is still at work, maybe even putting in some overtime, it seems. Not only that, but the plausibility and intent of many of those spots is lost on me. Scene: A vehicle blissfully traverses a snow field that looks to be the birthplace of the mother of all avalanches. Razor sharp rocks whiz by on either side as the... Sign in to see full entry.

July 2025
S	M	T	W	T	F	S
29	30	1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
27	28	29	30	31	1	2
3	4	5	6	7	8	9
Apr \| Newest \| Aug

About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

People

Headlines (What is this?)