Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Emergency weight loss?

That’s what the e-mail said. Now I wonder, what could constitute an emergency that would require fast, fast, fast weight loss? Scene, the bedroom of a fairly nice house, a couple prepares for the inevitable Christmas Party. She is almost dressed, he is frantically banging around in the other room. “Dear are you ready yet, I love this gown, the shoes are, ehhhhhh, but I think I will make a pretty good impression on your boss and that bunch of slackers you work with.” “Oh my God, what am I going... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Mental crunches with clichés.

Like a knife through hot butter, it’s an old saying meant to show how easy something is or how well something else works. But my mind, while sharp, is not a hot knife. Whoops, now I have it wrong, although a hot knife through butter would probably work just the same. While we’re on the cutting edge of insight, lets turn up the heat on this saying. Wouldn’t a hot knife work even better through hot butter? Now we’re cooking, but kick it up another notch and you have melted butter. Suddenly that... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Good vs. Bad

I got my speed measured by radar this afternoon. Ok, this is a reader participation thing, where it says Reader, that is your part. And no, you really don’t have to say anything out-loud, unless you want to of course. Caution: Reading the whole thing out-loud could make anyone within earshot question your sanity. Reader: That’s bad. No, that’s good, I checked my speedometer very carefully and when it reads 23mph I am actually going the legally posted limit of 25mph. Reader: That’s good. No,... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Captian's Log, a re-run re-done.

Captains Log: It is very late, very dark and very quiet, perhaps a little too quiet. What am I talking about, in space it is always very late, very dark and very quiet and quite frankly it really is a little too quiet. I work the night watch. I’m the captain. My name is Kirk. My sidekick is Spock, greenish fellow, pointy ears, smart as a whip, a good man to have by your side when the chips are down. No brag, just the facts. Spock: “Captain, are you aware that when you record your log, we can all... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Mistress of the Manor

Terror with claws equal to the finest surgical scalpel peers cautiously around the room as the door to her cell swings wide. She is planning her attack, those shoe laces look like they would be fun to play with and should be shredded within the hour. The new couch and loveseat are going to make a fine surface on which to sharpen claws and of course this fine downy fur will stick to all white clothing with the tenacity of Gorilla Glue. The old cat walks by, he is instantly pissed, hissing ensues... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

What did you do in the war, Daddy?

Military service isn’t a bundle of laughs. Basic training is a shock to the new recruits suddenly yanked from familiar home environs and thrust into barracks full of similarly displaced men dressed in green, like teeth pulled out by the dentist, then thrown into the trash can. The man in charge of us seemed to delight in screaming, yelling and generally intimidating every one his charges. Right away, I saw through his method, his job was to instill in us a willingness to obey his every command.... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

A tired mind pays no attention.

Wasn’t it the Beach Boys who sang that mysterious song, “Going to Smurf City”? Guess I blew that one. On the other hand... why do people always say that? What is on the first hand anyway? Surely there’s an answer that fits like a glove but just off the top of my head I can’t recall what it is. I always confuse “just off the top of my head” with “at the drop of a hat” since a hat does actually come off the top of your head doesn’t it? To top it off, maybe I should just put a cap on this whole... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Finding your daily laugh

Oh sure, I supply a few, but what about those days when I don’t post? What will you do for humor then? Well, do what I do, take an honest look at yourself. If you are like me, you probably do a few funny things every day, only you may not think of them as funny or be ready to share them, but that never stops me. Take this morning for instance, I overslept a few minutes, nothing drastic, just enough to put me in “rush” mode. I had my sandwich made, and took my oatmeal out of the microwave. I had... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Does Neil Diamond have a brother named Zirconia?

Maybe Herbert Ruby? It was in a dream somewhere that I was talking to Lil’ Kim and asked her “what happened to the two t’s?” She looked down and said, “they’re right there.” I didn’t get it either. Then I saw Willie Nelson and asked him how things were going. He explained it in one word, “crazy”, well I got that one. Just then Johnny Cash walked by complaining about his hemorrhoids. I asked him how he knew he had hemorrhoids, and he shot back, “ring of fire!” I had heard Ann Wilson was dating... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Last year I wrote Santa and I'll do it again...

A letter to Santa Dear Santa Next year, could you please take all the wrapping paper and bows with you? What a mess, and while you’re at it, why not take the damn tree too? You could just whoosh it up the chimney, getting rid of it and cleaning the chimney all in one reverse fell swoop. Don’t forget to vacuum the dead needles off the floor, put all the ornaments back in their boxes and wrap up the light strings too! That could be your gift to me, and I would certainly appreciate it way more than... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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