Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Here’s the thing

I’m tired. Can’t think. Brain sluggish. Must…get…inspiration! I’ve found it much harder to write something funny than to bitch about something. But I really am not in the mood to do opinions right now, or, at least that’s my opinion. I wanted to be scintillatingly brilliant, cutting and oh so clever, but I fear if you looked into my brainial cavity right now it would resemble nothing more than plain oatmeal. No lumps even. I need a humor transfusion, stat! Quick, bring me a newspaper. Drat, all... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Completely unhinged

I think I have lost my mind. No, it wasn’t a big loss, but I think I will probably miss it before long. Long hours and not seeing the sun will do that to a person. That and the constant drizzle of snow that threatens to stay well into spring have me in a state of cabin fever. Take two hot buttered rums and call me in the morning. Say, I may be onto something there, now only if I had some hot, some butter and some rum, I’d be cooking with gas. Oops, I forgot, we cook with electricity because we... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Kitten finds Blogit boffo, hot pix the tix

Our new kitten loves the computer. She intently stares at the screen and tracks the cursor with all the skill of a lion stalking it’s prey. You know why they call it prey? Because when the lions are around, the gazelles all pray. Well, anyway, back to the kitty. Her favorite site, next to pets.com is Blogit. Really! Ok, I knew you would think I was bluffing so I asked her to pose for me and she gladly obliged. She wanted to know if I like the shot with her paw on the screen better or her intent... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, February 11, 2008

won a Grammy Award! A re-run re-done.

Just when I thought my weird life couldn’t get any weirder, you guessed it, wham out of left field (that would be the North field to us locals) there she was on my porch, gray hair in a bun, little round granny (what else) glasses, gingham dress and apron, a real dyed in the wool blue-haired Grammy. While I appreciate the honor, I really don’t know what I’m going to do with her. The dogs don’t want to share their doghouse with her. Sure, they ate the pork-chop I had tied around her neck, but... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Thrills for geeks!

ROBOTS GONE WILD! See unimaginable multi-tasking in this virtual documentary. Macs getting it on with PC’s! Wet Hard Drive contests. These cyber freaks do it all when someone sneaks in and turns the voltage up to 127 VAC and double overclocks their motherboards! Monitors bare all in a reckless display of pure pixelated resolution lust. These machines are off line and there are no parameters! And we caught it all on hi-def video! Available now in all the popular formats, even Beta. Act now and we... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, February 8, 2008

I remembered to forget

I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so! Rember that song? That's about all I remember. All day at work things pop into my head. Not just run of the mill things, but really fiendishly clever things. Of course there is no time to stop and write them down. I try to remember them till lunch so I can scribble a note, but to no avail. Then I get home, and see that the old humor blog needs to be refreshed, but zippo. No flame of inspiration. Somewhere around the edges of perception, the... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Where did all the fun go?

Humor can escape one when working ten-hour days. It seems all I want to do is sleep and when I lay down to sleep, I think of things I should have done, but was too tired. Like posting some more humor. But what is funny when you can barely keep your eyes open? Well, for one thing, I had an early morning math class once and it was hell to stay awake in that class. Math is my worst subject and I wasn’t hip to Mountain Dew in those days. So, I would try to stay awake and pay attention, really, I... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Something you might want to know

Comets have tails, this we all know. Now, researchers at the Maximum Board Institute (major pun points if you get that one) have discovered that comets also have other parts. For some time, astronomers have known about the comet’s head and now they have revealed a new and apparently very boring part of the comet. In fact, study of this part of the comet can put one into a profound state of unconsciousness, or as experts have come to call it, a state of comet toes! Ok, I can’t believe I just did... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

For the birds

Talking birds? Sounds impossible, but it’s true. I used to eat my lunch in the park everyday and I would feed the birds that hung around the statues there. We became quite close, those birds and I. I would talk to them and slowly, they stated talking back to me. After a few years, they were quite fluent in their conversational abilities. Then one day I had a brainstorm, why not take this act to TV or out on the road and make my fortune? Despite calls to all the late night shows, Animal Planet... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Exercise due care and caution.

Do not confuse casual sex with causal sex. The results could be not what one is expecting (pun fully intended). Casual sex is a matter of wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Causal sex is more like wham, bam, the next thing you know, you’re reading “Green Eggs and Ham.” You have been warned, if you can’t do the daddy thing, don’t do the mommy thing. ‘Nuff said. Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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