Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, October 24, 2008

Brad Pitt and gay marriage.

Brad Pitt has said that he will not marry Angelina Jolie until gay marriage is made legal. Ok, did I miss something here, or does he not realize that Angelina is very female? Oh right, he probably knows she is not a he, but does this mean if she were a he, that he (Brad) would tie the knot (pun intended) with him/her? No, it seems that the Branjolinas are holding out to secure gay marriage in the U.S. Yeah, like that will convince all those who oppose gay marriage to change their minds. Scene at... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 20, 2008

The sit down comic

Good evening ladies and germs, I know you’re out there, I can hear you breathing. My problem is, I seem to be channeling Henny Youngman all day at work. I swear I could do a half hour routine, only I’m supposed to be concentrating on work, since that is where I am and that is how I pay for things like, well, internet connections and computers. Boss: So, give me an update. Me: Hmm, that would be tomorrow’s date since up would imply a greater number and it looks like tomorrow is it! Boss: I’ll... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 13, 2008

What if???

You were in a bookstore and saw a self-help book for kleptomaniacs, but there was no price on it? Have you heard about the latest dyslexic fashions? Gargoyle socks and sweaters. The reporter on the street always says, “back to you.” But do the anchors ever say, “front to you?” Hugh Heffner is having trouble with his two 18-year old girlfriends? Excuse my while I wash my imagination out with soap. Geez, he must be 80 or so. Hef has a great job though, I’m amazed he stuck it out as long as he has.... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

A re-run.

To get more mileage out of it, maybe I should call it a retread. At any rate, I wrote this some time ago but I think maybe it still holds water, or something. Enjoy. A good idea shot to hell. An environmentally friendly trap shooting range is what I envisioned. Go to any trap shooting range, and you will see the pieces of the clay pigeons on the ground. Since they are clay, they are not bio-degradable, so on a regular basis, someone has to go out and clean up the old pigeon shards. I came up... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

A perfectly horrible pun.

The trick to concocting a really bad pun it to start with a really bad premise. The other day at work, just such a premise occurred to me. Come on, it’s not like I was in the finance section of the government supposed to be working on a solution for the economic mess, and had the solution in hand but instead decided to foist a malicious pun on my readers. I had been thinking about it all morning (sad, I know) and as I ate my sandwich at lunch, it finally gelled. Maybe not a good term in light of... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 6, 2008

The rapture of a fracture.

“Break a leg” my wife said. Only I wasn’t going to perform in a play, I was going up on the roof to clean the chimney. I have a metal roof and it is no fun in any weather. Usually my shoes offer pretty good traction and the little roofing screw heads improve my traction somewhat. But a light mist was in the air and the metal roof seemed to offer all the traction of a greased Teflon frying pan. No, I didn’t really test it, like Einstein, I performed a thought experiment. Mostly I thought I would... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

A fractured ulna

Crazybone that is! Why do we call it that? Because it hurts like crazy when it impacts, oh lets say, a doorframe. Even with no damage done, it feels like your lower arm is about to explode off of your elbow and go into low Earth orbit. It’s one of those experiences in life like brain freeze. Oh sure, we all know the consequences of eating ice cream too fast, but we do it anyway, then suffer the exquisite sensation of having jackhammers going full blast on your teeth. Waiter: What’s the matter... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

One fact you need to know!

A fact is something which is true and the truth is something which is a fact. It has come to my attention that some readers take my humor blog way too seriously. Either that or I have done one hell of a job selling my stories, which by the way, are mostly made up. I did not donate a jar of pennies and then discover rolled up silver dollars had been hidden in the center. It was really a jar of dollars with pennies in the middle. No, my bad, it was neither of those, I never had a jar of pennies, I... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What’s funny when nothing is funny?

That quart jar of pennies is looking mighty good right about now. Only, I got rid of the darn thing two months ago. I donated it to the boy scouts for a “guess how many pennies are in the jar” contest. Some one guessed and won. They also found my secret stash of silver dollars I had hidden in the center of the jar and then forgotten about. Those memory pills I’ve been taking aren’t doing any good at all. Seems ya gotta remember to take them before they do any good, but if ya can’t remember…well,... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Nose to the grindstone

As the workweek grinds on, sometimes it seems that way. In the old days, that was sage advice, nose the to grindstone, shoulder to the wheel. Nowadays, that kind of thing could run one afoul of OSHA. Disclaimer: One should not actually put one’s nose to one’s grindstone, as serious nose shortening could occur. Nose shortening might sound funny but trust me, it’s not. Say it fast, you’ll get it. And what wheel are we supposed to put our shoulder to? The steering wheel? That will net you a traffic... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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