Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Things I thought of at work, but probably shouldn’t have.

If you write a story about the life of your car, is it still an autobiography? Or just an autobiography? If you get a self help book and it doesn’t work, do they have a follow up, the self blame book? Is there a town in England named Rusty Frog’s Nipple? If not, why not? Doesn’t it sound positively charming, Rusty Frog’s Nipple on the Thames? Then again, maybe not. Even more again, I’m glad my boss didn’t know I was thinking that! When military personnel arrive at a new base, it is called “in... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

The joke is on me.

A Nun, an elephant and a rabbit go into a bar. Ok, before I finish, I must tell you, I am making this up as I go, always a dangerous exercise, but a fun one nonetheless. So here goes… The bartender asks, “what’ll it be?” The Nun says (wouldn’t you know it) “none for me.” The elephant says “make mine a double of the strongest stuff you have.” The rabbit says “give me something to calm my nerves, I’m hopping mad!” “So” the bartender asks, “what brings you three together?” The elephant sighs and... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

O-Pun season

Now that Barak Obama is the president-elect, its time to come up with a cabinet. For the secretary of finance, he is looking at a tight-rope walking troupe from Prague. It’s the perfect system of Czechs and balances, don’t you think? As for the secretary of agriculture, he’s thinking of Warren Buffet. No, that’s not the pun, but it could be. It seems Mr. Buffet hat written a lengthy new book about his favorite vegetable. He calls it Warren Peas. Bill Clinton wanted in the worst way to be the new... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, November 3, 2008

A non-political re-run.

Butt first a word from our sponsors Quick, how many calories in microwave popcorn? This is an open book test to see if you see what I saw and no, it wasn’t a see-saw. There on the nutrition label of the bag I just made (and no Dave Berry, if you’re reading this, I did not make this up) it gave the caloric content, popped and unpopped! Why on earth would they have the food value of unpopped pop corn? Oh sure, I’ve seen a few people who’s dental state of health looks like they have eaten a bag or... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Another Halloween in the books.

Candy wrappers litter the floor, a precursor of the morning after Christmas scene. I am sitting in my chair, shirt raised to reveal a distended belly and enough chocolate under my fingernails to make a bag of Hershey bars. Oh yeah, the gorging has ended, not because I am satiated, I merely ran out of booty. Is there some way to supersize Halloween? Last night I saw kids (big kids, really, young adults) with pillow cases trick or treating. They are old enough to have driver’s licenses it appears.... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Werewolf eye for the straight guy.

I surrendered my humanity to the night in such gradual stages that I wasn’t able to pinpoint exactly when I had become a Werewolf. My wife looked at me askance when she came into the family room and found me watching re-runs of Lassie Come Home and scratching behind my ear with my foot. My first real clue was when I padded over to her chair and licked her hand, lifted my leg and relieved myself on her feet. Her precarious position, standing on the back of her overstuffed chair, clinging to the... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Corn Maze Daze

Ads allure us to “come on out and experience the Giganto-Corn Maze!” That’s just what one would want to do after spending days, weeks and years negotiating buildings riddled with hallways and work cubicles, right? At my advanced age, everyday is like a Corn Maze. Me: “Dear where are my socks?” My Long Suffering Wife: “They’re in the drawer in the bathroom, like always.” Me: “Dear, where is the bathroom?” MLSW: “Down the hall, like always.” Me: “Dear, where’s the hallway?” MLSW: “#@%*<>~@##%**!”... Sign in to see full entry.

Frightday, finally

My wife laughed uncontrollably, “nice costume” she finally blurted out, “what are you, cottage cheese gone bad?” You see, I had just climbed from the shower and was, er, well, nekkid if you must know. I am pretty well past the time of dressing up in silly costumes, getting drunk and throwing up on them. The costume stores won’t take them back if that happens you know. I still puzzle about what to do with the Wonder Woman costume with the red wine stains down the front. In fact, I don’t remember... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Trickier treat.

True story. I grew up in the country, so Halloween meant the neighbors drove up in their cars, then the kids got out and knocked on our door. My senior year in high school, I came up with an idea to make Halloween just a bit more fun. I put my stereo speakers outside the house to play weird scary music on. Then I rigged a ghost that would pop up from behind our Radio Flyer wagon that I had placed on its side. The ghost was nothing more than the classic bed sheet with a pillow stuck in one end... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Halloween in the old days.

I remember trick-or-treating, particularly the year I don’t remember much about it. You see, we lived out in the country amid what would now be called persons of alternate lifestyles but in our day we called them Hippies. They were a friendly enough bunch, always smiling although sometimes it was as if they didn’t even see me, their eyes seemed somewhat glazed for some reason. Conversations with them were rough because they were always forgetting what they were saying in mid sentence. Anyway, I... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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