Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The days of Christmas, #9,#9,#9

Just what I always wanted! Nine drummers drumming but not one of them was Ringo Starr. I was already sick of “little drummer boy” or what ever the hell it is and if I never hear another drum again, it will be too soon. Ok, so “pa-rum-pa-pa-pum” would really be welcome, these guys all think they’re Ginger Baker or something. I think living on a machine gun test range would be more peaceful. Peace on Earth my aching eardrums. Of course, being union drummers, they take a lot of breaks. Then when... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

The cow many days of Christmas – part 8

Today it was eight maids-a-milking. At first I was pretty excited about the eight maids all decked out in their almost French maid milking outfits. Then they brought in their cows, stools, buckets and scoop shovels. After all, how can they be a-milking unless they have cows to a-milk? And if one has cows, one needs the proper cow maintenance equipment. The only thing they didn’t bring was a barn. There is one thing about cows most people don’t know. When you milk a cow, there is some mysterious... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The how many days of Christmas; Part seven.

The seventh day, and the theme is most fowl yet again, I’m beginning to suspect a plot. Yes, seven swans a-swimming. I am going to have to put in a pool now because swimming swans have to swim, don’t they? For now I have a bathtub fill of swans, you could knock me over with a feather. Swan chow isn’t cheap either. They also gang up on all the other birds I seem to have accumulated and the noise is deafening. On top of that, the swans are planning on trying out for the next Olympics in the... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Goosed at Christmas: day six.

Six geese a-laying. That’s what my true love sent to me. But they’re not producing any eggs, they are just laying around watching soap operas on television. Couchus potatous Geesius is their genus and species I would guess. At least if they were laying eggs I could reasonably expect a golden one every now and then but no, they are transfixed by The Days Of Our Lives. They are about to be The Edge Of Dinner and when I tell them to “stuff it” they should take me literally. These geese remind me... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

You know this one by heart

Five golden rings! Let’s see now, ye olde shopping liste says upon the fifth day of Christmas, I shall bestow upon my one true love, 5 golden rings. Oh come on now, isn’t that a little overkill? Let’s see, with five rings how could she possibly use them all? Well, I suppose she could wear one on one digit of each appendage, but that only requires four. Oh! I know, the fifth is the one she puts in my nose to lead me around. That makes sense. By this time your house is knee deep in bird poop and... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The how many days of Christmas? Part 4

The fourth day of the Holiday Season and my true love has bestowed upon me four calling birds. Four calling birds? Calling whom? Do they have a family plan or something? Doesn’t that mean four British girls (birds) talking on their cell phones? Do tell! Four girls might be most men’s dreams but think of it. It is hard enough to get a word in edgewise with just one woman, much less four. Perhaps her idea was to show me she isn’t so bad after all. Maybe these calling birds are actually the flying... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The third day of Christmas

These first days seem to have an avian theme going for them. Now we have to add to our collection of fine feathered friends, three French Hens. You can always tell a French Hen, they will spit in your general direction while taking a drag off of a smelly cigarette next to an open sewer while drinking an overpriced wine. The beret is another tip off along with them constantly imitating Marcel Marceau imitating a chicken. Three French Hens are just enough to form a chorus line and do a lively... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Almost every Hallmark Christmas Special ever made

A dysfunctional family (and there are many dysfunctions a family can suffer from) gets together for Christmas. The parents are usually divorced and with new spouses. Not only do the children not get along with their step siblings, they don’t see eye to eye with their step parents either, who’s marriage is shaky at best. Things should be going smoothly but of course, they are not. Tensions mount, a rift occurs and it looks like the turkey will be left on the lavishly decorated table until it... Sign in to see full entry.

The second day of Christmas

All right, who thought of cross-breeding turtles with doves? First, turtles are notoriously shy, I mean its hard to get them to come out of their shells, you know? Then there are the doves, the universal sign of peace, not a piece of action for a turtle. While turtles are rather earthy, doves are quite flighty. Whoever hatched this match knew they both lay eggs but that’s about as far as I dare take it. So if you had a turtledove, what would it look like? If it were green, wouldn’t people... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The how many days of Christmas? An annual favorite?

Ok, we need more Christmas is what you’re telling us? After all, they break out the tree ornaments in most stores around, oh, maybe June or something. We have the 12 day tradition firmly established in song although no one really knows why this tradition is. I mean it’s hard enough to get gifts for one day, let alone twelve. A Partridge in a Pear tree. Which Partridge? Do they even do public appearances anymore? If it’s my pear tree, make it Laurie Partridge, Susan Dey just does something for me... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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