Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Stupendous gift ideas.

Stumped by what to get for that hard-to-shop-for person on your list? Well, so am I. A lot of people seem to have everything they need and no room for knick-knack kinds of things. “Oh my, isn’t this cute” they exclaim as they unwrap yet another Hallmark tree ornament of someone in an outhouse. Inwardly they are thinking, “another damn thing to dust and remember to put out when these creeps come to my house.” So herewith are my great gift ideas, which you will find almost as useful as most “gift... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:49 PM | add or view comments (8) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Winter blues

Cold winds swirl outside. My throat is on fire inside. I think I’m trying to get a cold. Now I could take some of those remedies you see on TV that would make me feel like, well, Barak Obama, you know, ready to grab the world by the tail. Instead I feel like the world has me by my tail. I took some of those Nifty Neato No Sweat Cold Pills and now I’m sweating. My mouth is so dry my tongue has stuck to the roof of my mouth. I am shaking so bad I don’t dare try to take my temperature lest I bite... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:57 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 5, 2008

And that’s why I keep a squirrel in my pajamas!

I had a dream that I was on a date with Ugly Betty, you know, that girl on the TV show by the same name. Anyway, I was trying to imagine her without her, well I’ll just say it, her gawd-awful glasses, braces, colored stockings and clothes that resemble a troupe of clowns yard sale. No, no, not naked, merely dressed and coiffed like a normal real girl, that’s all. After all she is “TV’s Ugly Betty” much in the same way TV had Doogie Howser. Of course Doogie is now Barney and not he of the purple... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:57 PM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, December 1, 2008

The only good pun is a bad pun

Recently, medical science has unveiled a study that promises relief to cold and allergy sufferers around the world. According to an exhaustive experiment carried out by tired scientists, simply using a saline nasal spray twice in the morning and twice in the evening will cure the common cold, prevent airborne antigen allergies and add 21 points to your I.Q. Of course, regarding the I.Q. part they offer the usual “your I.Q. may vary. As I read this, I couldn’t help but wonder, "is this true, or... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:32 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, November 30, 2008

A guide to trouble codes

How to interpret those pesky trouble codes. Nearly every aspect of modern life involves technologically advanced, well, technology. One of the benefits of this modern way of living is the devices we invite into our homes or drive on the streets can tell us when something is wrong by setting a trouble code. On the surface, this seems all well and good, but dig a little deeper and it all becomes a murky quagmire waiting to douse your spirits and send you into a mental tailspin. By the way the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:37 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Do negative ions really exist?

What the heck are negative ions? Have you ever noticed that some people just can’t seem to get anything to work? My wife seems to have them when it comes to electronic devices. I use the garage door opener all the time, it works flawlessly. She uses it and the door goes into some kind of spasmodic mode where it goes up and down endlessly. It will do every function except close. She turned on the microwave the other day and now all the display says is F9. A quick call to Sears revealed that F9... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:46 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, November 21, 2008

National humor shortage expected.

Wall Street is in the gutter, Wal Mart starts to sputter, Detroit is in the crapper, I can’t even make fun of the clapper. Or can I? Of course I can, it’s my blog after all. Ok, I’ll admit, I had to dig through the archives for this one, but I’ll rework it and present it for your edification. Herewith: Clap on, crap gone. The ingenious minds that brought you the Clapper have come up with yet another device to take your life ever so much closer to Nirvana. Sorry Pearl Jam fans, you’ll have to... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:32 PM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Warped World.

“Detach checks from printer before distributing” is an actual reminder in my wife’s accounting program. Oh really? “Geez, miz bean counter, isn’t that a rather large box for a paycheck?” (paycheque for some bloggers) “Well, yes it is trainee, but you see, I forgot to remove them from the printer so take it or leave it!” I’m surprised it doesn’t warn one not to use the printer in the shower. Well, actually it does, I was all wet there. Even more truthfully, since the warning was printed in some... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:46 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Playboy bunny in custody fight for her Chihuahua

That headline screams from the home page of msn.com and I have to wonder is her Chihuahua hairless or just airbrushed? Heh heh, inside Playboy joke, doncha know. So onto the real poop that is to be scooped from this story. First the Playboy bunnies name is Ida Ljungqvist. Now I think there is a punch line in there somewhere, maybe this is a Swedish sweetie or something like that? Anyway, she and her husband are estranged, and no, I don’t know who was the estrangest but thanks for asking.... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:47 PM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Leapin’ Lizards!

I was about to buy car insurance from a Gecko. Why? He had this cute English accent and all that, by jove. I mean, if you can’t trust an English Gecko, who can you trust? But then I hear about insurance from a duck and by golly, ducks just quack me up. I remember back in the ‘50s when people used to take a camel’s advice on what cigarettes to buy, walk a mile for them they would. That was some camel, er, corporate spokes animal. Now he’s had plastic surgery and is hawking the new remedy for sex... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:29 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

May 2025
SMTWTFS
27282930123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031
1234567
Apr | Newest | Jun
About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

Recent Entries
People

Headlines (What is this?)