Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, January 9, 2009

Stop that clowning around

I remember clown school, I was the guy who tired not to make everyone laugh. That’s right, I was the class republican! Humpty Dumpty was the class valedictorian, always cracking up. Quite often the teacher would turn to us in anger, “all right, who’s not throwing spit balls at me?” One day I sneezed in nose honking 101. Everyone said, “gook joke!” I merely replied, “it snot!” Then there were the Dover twins, Ilene and Ben who were practicing a simultaneous sword-swallowing act with pink Bic... Sign in to see full entry.

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Saturday, January 3, 2009

Things you didn’t know you wanted to know until you knew them.

Where do cats prefer to get their pizza? Why, paw paw Murphy’s, of course. What was Ivan the Terrible before he was promoted? Ivan the barely tolerable? I’ll bet you didn’t know Superman used to have a horse. Then he died and they made Super glue out of him. Just like that joke, a little goes a long way. Cyrano DeBergerac had an unfortunate accident with a guillotine, lopped off his schnoz he did. They reattached it with super glue, which then made him Cyanoacrylate DeBergerac. The trouble with... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 3:03 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Get a grip

88 Year old woman grabs intruder’s junk, he leaves. No, you really can’t make up stories like this. It happened in Portland, Oregon when a naked intruder forced her into her living room and then into a chair. That’s when she applied the “grip of doom” to his crotch and squeezed for all she was worth. According to the report, “the man tore free and fled.” Now we all know that when you have a man by the crotch, you have his undivided attention. Further, if he doesn't like what has drawn his... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 1:08 PM | add or view comments (8) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Who should I pick on today?

A semi-popular blogger who proposes to provide thought provoking nonsense under the guise of, well, what I don’t know. You see, I am that blogger and I have just sat down to prepare today’s post and I have no idea what to write. That’s how I came up with this idea, just a free-form thought association jazz riff kind of a thing, dig? The trouble with these improvisations is I run the risk of derailing my own train of thought. Speaking of derailing, do you suppose this picture might explain some... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:47 PM | add or view comments (10) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, December 29, 2008

Headlines and punchlines.

Man jailed two days for spitting. It seems a North Idaho man convicted of a traffic violation got more than he bargained for when he spit on the courthouse floor. I guess we should have known that a criminal who fails to stop at a stop sign is just as likely to ignore the “no spitting” signs as well. Jailbird: So, whaddaya infer? Spitter: Spittin’ on the judge’s carpet! Jailbird: Guard! Guard! Get me outta here, I ain’t spendin’ no time with no spitter! Cost of gasoline has gone a long way –... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:02 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Soap Opera Funerals

“Dearly Beloved, again we are here to honor the memory of James Stenbeck, one more time. I guess the last three didn’t stick, so let’s hope this time does the trick.” The only place busier on a Soap Opera than the mortuary is the condom aisle of the drug store. How many times can they bring someone back who fell out of an airplane, landed in a tree chipper in a swamp full of hungry Alligators that was later drained and set on fire before it was plowed up to start a raspberry farm? “Oh look, that... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 2:07 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 26, 2008

The true meaning of Christmas

C is for the calories you’ll be consuming. H is for those hips where the calories go to rest. R is for the rustling of wrapping paper turning the living room into a mess. I is for the imbibing that makes the day so damn merry. S is for the stress that starts before Thanksgiving. T is for the tree, now tinder dry that could ignite at any moment. M is for the mayhem travelers endure. A is for Adult behavior that abandons everyone in the exchange line. S is, you guessed it, for the stress of making... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:25 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The how many days of Christmas: Part 12

Twelve frigging Lords a leaping? Pandemonium reigns supreme as they mostly try to jump the milking maids. They claim to be trying out for the Olympics, specializing in the pole vault and high jump. Mostly they sit around smoking dope, then every time they hear a Police siren, they leap to their feet crying “cool it, the cops!” How they hear anything over the racket is beyond me. Not only that, since they are Lords they demand service fit for royalty but really they are just a royal pain and are... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:25 AM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The how many days of Christmas: Part 11

Now I will tell the story of 11 ladies dancing. Ok, that was fine at first blush but too late I found out they came with their own grunge band and a mosh pit. Not only that, they were all lesbian and only wanted to dance with each other. Not so groovy for me, the drummers or the pipers, but obviously my true love didn’t want me to be tempted. They have also converted most the maids-a-milking much to the dismay of all the men. I am tempted to become a lesbian but they won’t let me in. Pun... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:34 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, December 22, 2008

The how many days of Christmas? Part 10

Above all the racket there came a knock on the door. I was afraid to open it, but one of the maids stopped a-milking, leapt up and swung the door wide. There they were, ten pipers piping. You may be picturing guys with flutes, piccolos and the like but no, they were accompanied by the skirling of bagpipes! Not only were they not playing any Jethro Tull, they were doing a rousing rendition of “beer barrel polka” which only served to antagonize the gathered throngs who took the song to heart and... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:49 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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