Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Sometimes a good idea…

Quick, you’re in the airport, you have to take your shoes off and put then through the X-ray machine. Only, you haven’t changed socks in three days and flys are dying at the mere thought of you removing your shoes. What to do? Use my new odor control clear plastic bag, just pop your shoes in, zip it up and through the machine it goes, no offenede nose. Yes, it’s the bag that will do for shoes what condoms do for, well you get the idea. Now if only I could come up for a name for the “do for shoes... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, March 12, 2010

What do most people use a search engine for?

Oh come on, you know this, I know you do! Ok, it’s to look under the hood when the “check engine” light comes on! Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Speaking of re-dos

How about the rumor that Gilligan’s Island is going to be done as a movie? If Kevin Costner has anything to do with it, it will be a three-hour bore! Sorry Kevin, yes it was a cheap shot. So anyway, the casting for this ex-stranded-gansa could be, well, interesting. For starters, how about John Goodman as the skipper? Sure, why not? For the millionaire, lets try Kelsey Grammer doing a reprise of his Frasier character. Now for his wife, lets see, I think maybe Joan Rivers. Then there is the... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

New TV shows are old again.

Let’s make a deal is back! The price is right never went away, it just got a new host. Now in the spirit of modernizing old favorites we visit the set of Lassie come home. We find Timmy’s mom in the kitchen making healthy juice with an $1800 juicer machine she got on QCV. Suddenly Timmy’s flying cell phone (I told you they were going high tech, didn’t I?) zips into the kitchen, squeaking and squealing persistently. Timmy’s mom puts down her Latte and asks the phone, “Timmys stuck on level 3 and... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

What if the horse wants to lead you to water?

A horse walks into a church, the priest looks at him and asks, “why the long face?” Yes, I know it is an old bar joke but hey, whaddaya want after a string of 12 hour plus days? My brain feels like Jello, or wait, more like Bill Cosby when his mind feels like Jello. Pudding and pie filling that is. Even when Jello isn’t at a dance, it gets jiggly with it. Or maybe its just our eyes vibrating at the sight of this cool taste sensation? Could be, you tell me. Two cave men discovering Jello… Og:... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sunday punnies

A barkeeper walks into a church… The priest says, “what’ll ya have?” “I’m seeking an answer” says the barkeep. “Yes my son, proceed,” the reverend father invites the question. “Well, in the secular world, when things go really bad, we call that a cluster f**k, so what I want to know is when church matters get really balled up, is that a cloister, well you know?” Maybe my timing is off on this, it being a Sunday and all, but I can’t help it I suppose. Somewhere I can hear Robin saying, “holy pun... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Jimmy done what?

You know, I really don’t care that Jimmy cracked corn. Come to think of it, I don’t even know what cracking corn is and if I did, I still wouldn’t care. Unless of course Jimmy worked in a movie theater and was in charge of the pop corn. Jimmy, ever the slacker didn’t turn the machine up high enough so the corn didn’t pop, it just sort of cracked, old maids as it were. But I would care because I would not be able to enjoy one of the essential components of going to the movies, gorging myself on... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The old chicken and the road thing

So, why did the chicken cross the road? Well, first of all, I doubt the chicken was aware that there was a road and if he (or she) did, then they were not aware of the action of crossing said road of questionable existence, at least in the mind of a chicken. After all, for the chicken it was just a matter of going from point A to point B. Well, I suppose a chicken can’t even fathom a point at all, but that’s beside the point, A or B. And if we were to presuppose the reasons chickens might cross... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Pun today, gone tomorrow.

Do you think Matt Dillon knew martial arts? Warning, this is for people of a certain age, nod-nod, wink-wink. In an emergency, for contraceptive purposes women can use soda pop, shake it up good, take the lid off and spray, well, you know where. The favorite beverage for this task? Mountain Douche, of course. Speaking of Hey Diddle Diddle, the cat and the fiddle, isn’t it ironic that the cat plays a fiddle considering what the strings were made of in those days? Who was the most famous feline... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Give me back my D

Did you know that the movie Avatar is in 3-D? Only if you live in a cave (which by the way is 3-D) could you be ignorant of that fact. I hear a lot of people are surprised to find that when they exit the theatre, plain old real life is also in 3-D only there are no blue aliens. Well, we men claim certain parts of our bodies turn blue if they are alien to sexual adventures but I’m certain I’m digressing. Blue or not, they too are in 3-D and I’m certain I’m disgusting. Ok, here’s the deal, we go... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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