Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Saturday, July 31, 2010

A pun you’ll get a kick out of

I once met a girl who was beyond any I had ever met. We melded on every level and she was a vision of beauty to make Venus De Milo green with envy. We married and on our wedding night she removed her shoes to reveal feet devoid of even the tiniest hint of a digit. Well I had to leave right then and there, I suppose it’s my fault, you see (wait for it) I’m lack toes intolerant! If you think that’s a long way to go for a pun, I’d walk a mile for a carmel. If, right now you want to hit me over the... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Report card on the economy in your own neighborhood!

In the old days, (meaning two years ago) I would while away many a Saturday morning browsing yard sales. Every now and then I would find things that piqued my curiosity and once I even bought something. Even more amazing I actually used what I bought (a drill bit index with a half-dozen drill bits in it) just last week in fact. To use the new universal catch phrase, “in this economy” even yard sales are crappier than ever. The most interesting thing you see now is a stained place mat that the... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

New TV programs

It seems all we see is old shows re-done. Even the A-Team gets made into a movie. And in that vein, Crapload Broadcasting is somewhat proud to announce a new fall TV series, based on an old series, but of course, upgraded for the cyber society. Yes, Angela Lansbury’s daughter plays a blogger who specializes in solving crimes. You’re sure to be spellbound by Mrdr sh txtd! OMG! Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Oh! To pun.

This morning my shoelaces became hopelessly tangled. No amount of pulling and tugging could undo them, so in desperation, I grabbed the scissors and cut them loose. Now of course my shoes are too loose to wear, which leads to the moral of this story: Waste knot, want knot! Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Could it be Karma?

The ways of the world are indeed mysterious. Many years ago, possibly twenty or so, I bought a new lawn mower. It was all new, bright and shiny, things were good. As the years went by it needed some maintenance since I mow my rather large yard and my mother’s as well every week in the summer. After about ten years or so, it started to get hard to start in the spring. I would put fuel stabilizer in the tank and do all the things you are supposed to do but each successive spring brought a new... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Was the rooster on the other side? Why did the road allow the chicken to cross it in the first place? Perhaps it was that this chicken was no middle of the roader, it knew whether its glass was half full or half empty and further whether that distinction was vertical or horizontal. Is the road defined by the stripe down the middle or is it the other way around? Roads with broad shoulders are called freeways even though they are far from free and while you are on them you are not free to do... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Who put the ass in aesthetics?

All right, the word is about beauty but, unless I miss my guess someone messed up here, I mean Aesop has the long A sound (you know, like ay) while aesthetics has the short A sound (you know, like ass)! It isn’t even pretty, much less aesthetic. Speaking of old time spinners of fables, wasn’t Aesop aesthetically athletic? Yeah, I know that’s pathetic but don’t worry, its rhetorical, which by the way makes me a rhetorical oracle. Sort of. Then there is the rest of the word, which follows ass,... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

E-What?

Signs on convenience stores and gas stations proclaim, “We have E-cigs!” When did this happen? Suddenly setting fire to dried tobacco rolled in white paper is passé? Now we have to burden the power grid to have a tobacco fix? I can only imagine the progression of events that led to this “miraculous” new way of ingesting nicotine. Cigarette company meeting – we find CEO of Gagnsnort cigarettes pacing the floor in front of his top people… CEO: It seems the old notion of burning tobacco has fallen... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

A true (but funny) story

It was winter, the snow lay over a foot deep on the old farm. Our house was in a wooded area and we occasionally cut down some of the trees for firebreak or just fire wood. One day dad and I cut down a smallish tree, a Cedar for fence post material. We left the stump about three feet tall so we could grab it with the tractor and a chain in the spring to pull it out. A barn cat had come from across the road to mooch food from the dog dish. The dog didn’t take well to this and came snarling around... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

About that large Hadron Collider

First, “what are large hadrons?” you ask. I’ll tell you, they are bigger than the small hadrons. Second, a Collider collides things, mostly hadrons large and small, teenie weenie even. “Why is this important to me?” you ask, just bursting with questions, aren’t you. Again I’ll tell you, I really don’t know unless your name is Ron of course. For more information Crapload News reporter Nada Clew takes us to the border of Switzerland and that other country next to it that is not famous for either... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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