Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

What’s with all the vampire crap?

Vampires seem to be all the rage these days but if you ask me they just bite! No! Really, they do and suck as well, all your blood that is. Besides, it’s a known fact that 3 out of 4 dentists say vampires don’t floss either, something about dulling their fangs. And while many a woman (and a few men in San Francisco) may fantasize about having a date with a vampire, just ask them out for a steak and see what happens. Then there is the issue of the smell of the undead, I mean I don’t think there... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

New movies we probably don’t need

How about a new version of Yogi Bear? No, really I heard it on the news, only I don’t remember who was slated to play Yogi and Boo-Boo. This of course gives me poetic license to imagine what the movie might be like if say, Sean Penn was Yogi, Johnny Depp as Boo-Boo, Jack Nicholson as the Ranger and the whole thing directed by Quentin Tarantino. Sort of a Pulp Picnic Basket thing I would imagine. Or maybe John Goodman as Yogi, Woody Harrelson as Boo-Boo, Bruce Willis the Ranger and direction by... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Heavy pun warnings

Once upon a time, as these things seem to go, a princess was being wooed by twin princes. Yes, they were in the Moscow ballet, but the joke here is not about prancing princes pinching princesses with golden tresses. That is a dangling modifier. But I digress and, not unintentionally. Well anyway, in that same kingdom lived an ugly witch, which is how these things seem to go, but more on that witch later, which will be now, don’t you know. It does seem a bit as if I don’t know which witch is... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Dagnabbit!

There are puns in my lunchbox, I thought of them the other day and wrote them down on a yellow post-it-note because I knew I wouldn’t remember them by the end of the day. Sure enough, I was right and I’m not going to get them now because I want to do something else. It’s called the free-fall system where I just start out and what pops into my mind, I go with it. Sort of like the elephant in the room no one wants to talk about, and how do they know its there in the first place? Why the tracks in... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

When excitement turns to revulsion.

Good news, I have been hired by NASA to help build the next generation of planetary exploration vehicles. These have the goal of finding and exploring alien life forms on far away planets. How cutting edge can one get? I mean, to be at the forefront of the technology that will answer once and for all that age-old burning question, “are we alone?” Imagine my chagrin then, when I found out I was in charge of designing the anal probe! HAR! GOTCHA! Discalimer: No Uranii were harmed in the making of... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Unconnected – A horror story.

The room was black as black velvet stretched across my eyes. Not a sound could be heard. I was cut off from all communications, the outside world as I had known it was gone, hell, I wasn’t sure it would ever exist again. Had it really existed in the past, or were my memories all cruel dreams? My fingers ached for that familiar touch, but nothing was there. I knew the machinery in the room was still there but I had no way to control it. “Don’t panic” I told myself, “you’ve done this before,... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, August 31, 2009

What we need are more heroes.

But not just any hero, let’s upgrade to modern times and modern problems. The new age of medicine has ushered in a new weapon against pain, glaucoma and well, just about anything you can talk a “new age” doctor into prescribing Cannabis Sativa for. Medical marijuana has reached super hero status in some quarters so its time for a new age super hero, Grass Man and his sidekick, Roach Clip Kid. These are not just token heroes, they are true “tokin’” heroes. Their secret lair is stocked with every... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

There’s a skunk in the garage!

I don’t mean to raise a stink, but we just discovered a skunk in our garage. I would rather have a cougar or a porcupine in my garage than a skunk. Oddly enough, it wasn’t the smell that gave him (or her) away, rather it was his (or her) presence at the cat food bowl that caused the general alarm. The contractor doing our renovation was on his way to call it a day when he suddenly, slowly retreated back into the house and announced, somewhat nonchalantly I thought, “there’s a skunk in your... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Get your hands off my junk!

Not a phrase you want to say in these modern times, I’m sure. But as I was visiting my local landfill, or as we used to call it, dump, I couldn’t help but think of the way things used to be. On the hill above town, in clear view of the whole valley, the dump was a place where you unloaded your trash. There were no attendants to tell you where to dump, no crushers, indeed, no equipment of any kind. It was a reeking, fly ridden piece of real estate that most likely had a smoldering fire emitting... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Another quote from me

When problem solving, remember not to focus on one single cause. After all, it takes a whole mouth full of teeth to bite you on the ass! Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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