Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Does my ass make these jeans look fat?

Somehow I wonder if that isn’t the real question. Couples face a minefield of questions like that, questions for which there is no right answer. Wife: Are you going to wear that? Husband: Uh, no, I was just teasing. (But inside his head he is thinking – Hell yes I am going to wear this. Why else would I have it on?) And the classic. Wife: Do these jeans make my ass look fat? Husband: Why no darlin’ you look just like the day I met you, it must be these cheap made in China mirrors. (But inside... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:42 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Of lost car keys and parallel universes (universi?)

Parallel universes are one of the most difficult theories of modern physics to wrap ones head around. It is said that the parallel universes lie next to each other like the pages of a book. Further it is postulated that copies of ourselves exist in these universes leading either a remarkably similar life or a wildly disparate life. At any rate, these universes, as far as anyone knows, cannot interact because other theories claim that is what starts a “big bang” which we would certainly know... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:29 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

A prisoner of my own mind

I am tortured all day long by horrible thoughts. They swirl about in my head and if I don’t let them out, they will explode. No, they are not dark thoughts, they are all manner of jokes, puns and, well my humor blog is my outlet, you now know my terrible secret. Take today for instance, at work I was struck by this lame-assed scene: And now a newsbreak from Crapload News and reporter Megan Itallup on the scene. Meagan, what’s the story from there? Megan: Well, anchor guy, I’m at the posh estate... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:51 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, December 20, 2009

A brief history of Santa Clause.

In the beginning there was no Santa Clause. There were only Adam and Eve and they were Jehovah’s Witnesses so there were no gifts. Soon after, they procreated, (which they did like pros, naturally) and then there were children who rebelled (yeah, I know you’re thinking rebels without a Clause - don’t get ahead of me) who had children of their own, who rebelled even more and soon there were Christians and Christmas. The wise men (forefather’s of Sam Walton) saw to it that gift giving would become... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:03 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 11, 2009

So many Tiger Woods jokes, so little time

Once more a celebrity falls victim of their own hubris or just possibly he thought he was bulletproof, swimming in the fishbowl of fame and fortune. Just as sickening in all of this is the media blitz Albatross that encircled his famous neck that he had so brazenly stuck out. Is there a sports announcer so noble they can resist the obvious? Announcer: Tiger approaches the ball and studies it carefully. This really shouldn’t be too difficult for him, he has seen lots of tough lies in holes... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:33 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Waiting for winter

This year, I am actually waiting for the snow to fall. Ok, not really, but you see, I do have a new toy I can’t wait to try out. Well, it’s not really a toy, it’s pretty damned serious. Yes, I have joined the ranks of those with power snow removal equipment. In the past, I made up a fanciful story about having a shiny new red snow blower and after the record snow fall last year, I decided it was time to make the dream come true. I figured the middle of summer would be the best time to get a good... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 2:06 AM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 4, 2009

How DO you solve a problem like Sarah Palin?

First, is Sarah Palin really a problem? If so, whom is she a problem for? Newsweek? Ok, let me establish my ignorance right now, lest you try to take this (or Sarah) seriously. Yes, I know she appeals to many people who feel she has a bond with how you might say, “the little people.” “What?” you are saying, “surely Food4Thought, you are not suggesting that Sarah Palin cavorts with Leprechauns!” No, she cavorts with midgets, nincompoop. And by nincompoop, I am referring to myself of course.... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:49 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, November 20, 2009

A clean slate

Why a clean slate? After all, who uses slate anymore? Didn’t it go out of style just after cave walls and just before papyrus? Let’s return to those cave days to see why: Og: Ogette, come to cave, look at valentine cuneiforms me make for you, they on hall of cave, you know, hall marks when it be the very best! Ogette: Oh silly Og, me not fall for that, you just want chance to bang me over head with cartoon-like club then keep me barefoot and pregnant. Pregnant part would be new experience,... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:27 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, November 19, 2009

A strange job interview.

She handed me a paper with some data on it and said, “make a chart of parrot sales for the last year.” So I went to work with Excel and soon had a beautiful full color bar graph and pie chart showing parrot sales by volume and species. Yes, I had passed the Polly Graph test! Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:57 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

It’s not Thanksgiving everywhere

While we Americans are obsessing over meal plans and where everyone is going to sleep, the rest of the world is getting ready for just another Thursday. I was reminded of this as I talked with a client in New Zealand today (oops, make that tomorrow). He said they don’t do thanksgiving there and only recently started to do Halloween, a tradition that defies logic. I mean, we teach our kids not to talk to strangers and especially not to take candy from strangers, yet there is a night dedicated to... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:03 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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