Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Life is funny.

Get one thing done, another project rears its gnarly head. I just got my pickup back together, now I have to get the junk I was hauling to the landfill to the landfill. Then there is fire wood to haul in. A stove to pick up. A garage to clean up. I thought I would get a break, but I was wrong. I want to trade for something more economical but not so small it’s comical. You know, “hey that is a cute truck, did you get one for the other foot?” Or, “does LUV stand for Limited Use Vehicle?” I’m not... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

I won a Grammy Award!

Just when I thought my weird life couldn’t get any weirder, you guessed it, wham out of left field (that would be the North field to us locals) there she was on my porch, gray hair in a bun, little round lens glasses, gingham dress and apron, a real dyed in the wool Grammy. While I appreciate the honor, I really don’t know what I’m going to do with her. The dogs don’t want to share their dryer box with her. Sure, they ate the pork-chop I had tied around her neck, but then they were off digging... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, November 7, 2004

Old weird James.

My word is my bond, James Bond and I have a license to kill, except I have to renew it Monday next. Blast I hate that test, why that lisping dr. has to check my prostate is beyond me. And the way he says, “everything ith thuper!” really creeps me out. At least my faithful Aston Martin never lets me down. They do that with a fork lift, some sort of joke about me putting on weight in my twilight years. Last year I put in for a transportation upgrade. I put my choice of vehicles as Rolls. Jokers... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, November 6, 2004

Mind maintenance.

I took my mind out yesterday and gave it a tune up. It was getting pretty sludgy around the edges so we had to flush it twice. My reality homing device was severely out of adjustment as well as having my ego nearly deflated. That’s what happens when you have a cold and take lots of decongestants. When I went to put it back in, it wouldn’t fit. Satirisis had set in and the moorings failed to align with the moral underpinnings. They were all rusty and finally had to be sent to for re-chroming. I... Sign in to see full entry.

A Classic, that’s me.

There are classic cars, classic rock and classic clothes. Museum grade stuff brings admiring stares from the onlookers. My son points out the hidden gas filler cap behind the left hand tail light of a 1956 Chevrolet Bel-Air convertible parked in my uncle’s garage to his girlfriend. She is in awe. I remember the first time I saw that feature was when the 1956 Chevys first hit the dealerships in the fall of ’55. Every fall, I would study the new car ads to see what was different. In those years... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, November 5, 2004

Career counseling.

Hot new growth industry taking the United States by storm. Yes, now you too can secure your future and be on that fast track to success when you enroll in the J. McWirthey Crackpot Institute of Sample Persons. Yes, you too can master phrases such as, “that’s hot” and “those toothpicks are sharp.” Be in high demand when you complete the six month course we offer for the low sum of $12,500 + books, supplies and tuition. When you graduate we will supply you with a full weeks supply of hairnets. You... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Costco carries what?

That giant warehouse that offers the special savings of 50 gallon barrels of vitamin C offers something else that will surprise you. Ok, I haven’t seen the display in one of the stores and no sample ladies complete with hairnets offering to let you test one. But log onto the online store and you will see right there among all the other categories, yes believe your eyes booby, caskets! That’s right, just what everyone will need for that eternal dirt-nap, complete with silk lining, luxurious hand... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 31, 2004

THE Halloween post to read.

Yes, it is a little long, but it takes less time to read than it did to write (no thanks to a spell check with no sense of humor). Yes I did post it last year, but who remembers last year! Enjoy, I did. Werewolf eye for the straight guy. I surrendered my humanity to the night in such gradual stages that I wasn’t able to pinpoint exactly when I had become a Werewolf. My wife looked at me askance when she came into the family room and found me watching re-runs of Lassie Come Home and scratching... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Trickier treat.

True story. I grew up in the country, so Halloween meant the neighbors drove up in their cars, the kids got out and then knocked on our door. My senior year in high school, I came up with an idea to make Halloween just a bit more real. Put my stereo speakers outside the house to play weird scary music on. Then I rigged a ghost that would pop up from behind our Radio Flyer wagon that was laying on its side. The ghost was nothing more than the classic bed sheet with a pillow stuck in one end for... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Halloween in the old days.

I remember trick-or-treating, particularly the year I don’t remember much about it. You see, we lived out in the country amid what would now be called persons of alternate lifestyles but in our day we called them Hippies. They were a friendly enough bunch, always smiling although sometimes it was as if they didn’t even see me. Conversations with them were rough because they were always forgetting what they were saying in mid sentence. Anyway, I wanted to go out real bad, I had my ghost costume... Sign in to see full entry.

May 2025
S	M	T	W	T	F	S
27	28	29	30	1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30	31
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
Apr \| Newest \| Jun

About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

People

Headlines (What is this?)