Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, December 31, 2006

Not So Dumbass predictions for 2007

Nostrodamus was wrong. Sounds like a bumper sticker to me, only all the new cars don’t have bumpers to stick anything on. My first prediction is: The no-bumper look will continue in 2007 on all cars that don’t have any bumpers. Bumper sticker mentality will still rule the political arena. And just like the arenas the Matadors perform in, the political arena will be filled will bull. Just try scraping a campaign promise off your shoe, pretty revolting isn’t it? Who will be the next world leader... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:17 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, December 30, 2006

New Year’s restitutions

Paybacks for the resolutions from last year that were broken before the hangover wore off. Resolutions like, I’m not going to watch as much sports on TV. Hey, what else is there to do New Year’s Day? Besides, gotta get in practice, the Super Bowl will be coming soon. Resolutions like, I’m not going to drink so much. It just goes along with watching sports on TV, so forget that one. Resolutions like, I’m going to get serious about that diet and loose some real weight. Yeah sure, and all the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:41 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, December 29, 2006

There’s a hole in my brain

“You know, old, what’s-his-name!” Does this ever happen to you? Of course it does, it’s just that you may not remember it. What about our brain makes us forget things we should know? Today I am trying to remember Ron’s last name. We have spent a lot of time around them the last few years when we go to RC car races with our son. Ron rode with us to Canby Oregon last fall, so we were around him three days straight that weekend. But try as I may, I can’t recall his last name. Oh, I know his wife... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:51 AM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell engaged

Oh yes, it is true! The Donald (King of combovers) and the Rosie (queen of, well whatever she is queen of) are engaged in one of the ugliest public cat fights of all time. It is in all the papers, all the news shows and I have to wonder, why do I have to know about this? Did miss America not bring world peace? If she didn’t, what the hell does “The Donald” have to do with it? Face it, Miss America is all about sexy young girls in bathing suits and high heels prancing around on stage to... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:35 PM | add or view comments (16) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

It’s a freakin’ winter wonder land!

And I wonder why I live in this land in winter. I mean, look at the picture, sure it looks all wintery and all, why shouldn’t it? It is winter after all. The way the sun glistens off of the icicles may send chills up your spine from a conceptual point of view, but when I was out taking the picture in 14 degree weather, it sent chills up my spine, literally. Observe all the snow, how pretty. Now the reality, the only reason all that snow is hanging around is because outside it is colder than it... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:21 AM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

A letter to Santa

Dear Santa Next year, could you please take all the wrapping paper and bows with you? What a mess, and while you’re at it, why not take the damn tree too? You could just whoosh it up the chimney, getting rid of it and cleaning the chimney all in one reverse fell swoop. Don’t forget to vacuum the dead needles off the floor, put all the ornaments back in their boxes and wrap up the light strings too! That could be your gift to me, and I would certainly appreciate it way more than any number of... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:16 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

‘Tis the season…

To throw tantrums, fa la la la laaaa la la laaaaaa, whaaaaaaaaaaa! To some, there is nothing like the smell of a fresh cut Christmas tree. I admit, I fell victim to the hypnotic aroma and agreed, “yes, a fresh cut tree really makes Christmas.” Even though I know a tree doesn’t make Christmas any more that a fresh cut Diamond from Kay jewelers makes Christmas. The last diamond I bought, I couldn’t pay for and I ended up in jail with a roommate named (strangely enough) Firehose Johnson, who... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:00 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Some good old fashioned Christmas pun.

Maybe it’s the endless playing of Christmas music on the radios, or the endless Christmas specials on television or just possibly the spirit of Christmas smacked me upside the head while I was out in the brisk air cutting firewood and kindling for the week ahead. At any rate as I whacked and chopped, awful thoughts began to crowd into my head. Since I was using an 8 lb. splitting maul, I was on the verge of developing a splitting headache. I pondered about getting a new maul, one that would work... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 4:33 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Why men don’t ask directions, the truth comes out!

We, the members of the male gender are blessed with the uncanny ability to find our way without aid of maps, street signs or directions from strangers at the 7-11 who ride a bus and don’t know where they are in the first place. I will now reveal to all, the magnificent ability which has been bestowed on us, we call it Guy Positioning Sense, or GPS for short. That we possess such an ability is rarely revealed since the poor wandering female of the species would kill to have this mysterious... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:04 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Life is like a Baby Ruth candy bar

You can’t enjoy it without making a mess. Speaking of messes, are you going to a “holiday party” for your work? Holiday party? Even us agnostics (or at least this one) know they are Christmas parties, otherwise they would be just any old time of year and no one would dress uncomfortably. Do the office drunk a favor, take their place this year, just be sure your uncomfortable clothes don’t take vomit stains. Everyone’s (with the exception of everyone-knows-who) fear is setting next to the boss... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:28 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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