Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, January 19, 2007

Cheap eye surgery anyone?

The shaking hand holding an industrial strength laser, breath reeking of gin the Dr. intones, “hol’ still, an tr…tr…tryyyyyy not to bliiiiiiiiink ~hic~” back alley cheap LASIK anyone? That’s just what we need, Lens Crappers slamming laser eye surgery patients through a production line process for just $29.95 an eye and they throw in a pair of reading glasses to boot! Next, they will outsource the operation to China. The automated table whisks you into a room and an attendant puts your head in... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:28 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Them old dial up blues

I wanted to take a chain saw to the phone lines. I frantically worked the mouse and keyboard to try to get on line to post a few blogs, but naturally, the dagnabbed thing wouldn’t hook up. The line was busy, the computer wouldn’t answer (probably a union computer on it’s union break) I wasn’t holding my mouth right, don’t hold that finger up to me, and on and on the computer kept giving me excuses why I couldn’t get on line. Later this month or early February we are getting a new ‘puter and we... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:24 PM | add or view comments (8) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

One of those days

Finally, Monday is out of the way, or so I thought as I got home tonight. Then I realized it was Tuesday. Where the hell did Monday go? Damn I was ready to be in a Monday mood, you know, slamming things around, sulking, looking at the clock every two minutes and generally being a poop. But somehow I missed it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss it but I did miss it, slipped right by me Monday did. And I was ready to have one of those days. Somehow I got involved in getting my work done and things... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:44 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Humor me or I’ll pun you within an inch of your sanity.

Killer Fat. A pot belly is more than unsightly, it can make you go to pot, and that’s not the smoke I’m blowing up your orifice. The February 2007 issue of Discover magazine is in my hands and it’s pretty funny, if one is sufficiently warped and once again, I’m not talking about smoke here. No mirrors either, but sometimes science can be amusing and if you don’t take it too serious, funny. From here on out, I am making reference to articles in the magazine but I am going to be lazy and not... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:45 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Ice dancing with a wheelbarrow

A perverse combination of ice skating and Sumo wrestling is what it takes to haul in my winter wood supply. Two days of nearly 45 degree weather last week, melted the snow in driveways to a flat slush about two inches thick. Then the temperatures dropped faster than Monica Lewinski’s infamous blue dress in the oval office to solidify these surfaces to a sheen that would make a Zamboni driver envious. Of course, one can barely walk when it is like this, much less carry an armload of firewood. My... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:33 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

A prisoner of my own mind

I am tortured all day long by horrible thoughts. They swirl about in my head and if I don’t let them out, they will explode. No, they are not dark thoughts, they are all manner of jokes, puns and, well my humor blog is my outlet, you now you know my terrible secret. Take today for instance, at work I was struck by this lame-assed scene: And now a newsbreak from Crapload News and reporter Megan Itallup on the scene. Meagan, what’s the story from there? Well, anchor guy, I’m at the posh estate of... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:42 PM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, January 8, 2007

Star Farts, a Space oddity

Farting in the Space Station is like cutting wind in an elevator, everyone knows who did it. Only, in space the odor lingers longer with no gravity to drag it to the floor, which exacerbates the gravity of the situation. Since methane gas is explosive and since the human nose becomes used to constant stimuli, (which explains how people can live in Tacoma) they must have a machine to detect such occurrences. We’ll call the device the smellerator since it analyzes the various odors, rates them... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:35 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, January 7, 2007

New Year’s Revolutions.

2007 to bring miraculous behavioral modifications!? What about a new year makes one think they can miraculously turn their lives around? If it wasn’t important enough to make the change before the flop of a calendar page, what makes it a panacea come January 1, 2007? That is why most resolutions fail. They start off on a note of procrastination. For instance: July 4 th “I really need to stop drinking so much (retch) but I think that seems like it would be a good New Year’s resolution.” Hell most... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 1:11 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, January 5, 2007

Did you win any bread today?

Breadwinners. What kind of crap is that? That’s what those of us who work for a living are called, but it is grotesquely wrong. First, winning suggests some kind of game, and a game suggests fun might be involved. All right, a show of hands from all those who had fun at work and actually “won” something. No one? Just as I thought. Wouldn’t it be great if the boss took you out bowling and when the last frame was done, handed you your paycheck? Not gonna happen, unless you’re a professional... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:02 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Walk this way...

Way out west where the sun goes down, we went into a little town and what do you know, it wasn’t big enough for the both of us. We asked where a bigger town was and were told it “was a fur piece.” How did they know I was wearing a rug? Why does a guy who drives a Ford Diesel pickup that you can walk under with an eleven gallon hat wear spurs? Maybe because they go “jingle jangle jingle”. Which makes me wonder, when they write an advertisement for bells, are those jingle jingles? That seems to... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:03 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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