Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, February 18, 2007

A prescription for laughter

We all know it’s supposed to be the best medicine, so why doesn’t the Dr. tell you, “rent two Marx Brother’s movies and call me in the morning”? Is your Psoriasis acting up? Arthritis got you down? Try some Three Stooges, you’ll feel better fast! Caution, poking fingers in one’s eyes is merely an illusion and should not be tried at home, unless the Jehovah’s Witnesses are at the door. And what if laughter was all it took to make us feel better, where would that leave Pfizer and all the rest?... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Cattle flatulation…could it save our nation? A re-post

Methane gas, the end result of mammalian digestion could turn into a source of cheap, readily available energy, according to Craplaod News. The development of portable collection devices may just usher in the age of Methane. These are under development at Crackpot Univeristy located in a van, somewhere near Luchenbach, Texas. According to middle eastern biologist I-binpullinmyhairout, each cow would be fitted with the Individual-Flatulence Accumulating & Retaining Tank called (cleverly) I-FART.... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Savoy Brown had it down

“I’m tired” the lyric goes, “of trying to be somethin’ I know ain’t me!” And aren’t we all? Sometimes I wonder who I am. Sometimes I imagine you must wonder who I am. “Does he talk like that all the time?” No, only when I think the listener might appreciate it. Sometimes I throw out a truly inane statement just to see if people are listening, you know something like (by the way, this is not original) “50% of all Americans make up half the population.” That works good when someone has just bored... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

The Tonguetangle twins.

Take time to talk to the Tonguetangle twins, Twila Tina and Timothy Tony Terwilliger. They’re from the magical land of Tonguetangle you know. What a whimsical wistful wonderland of wonderment it is where very wonderful visions wrestle vested waist-coated verbose witches in verdant fields. To hear the people of this enchanted land talk is to listen to poetry set to music and run over a waterfall. Twila and Timothy titter and gossip tantalizingly while galloping on green Galapagos Turtles trying... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Lately I’ve been wondering…

How late is too late and at what point does it actually become too early? If you forget your spouse’s birthday you can always do the belated thing, you know, with the cards that make you out to be the worlds biggest dummy for forgetting a thing like that. Quickly, what day of the week is the Superbowl on? What day of the week is your spouse’s birthday? Gotcha. You don’t even know, how sad. At what point does Miss Manners say, “ok it’s really too late now, you might as well forget it.” Which... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The “Big Game” Blog

It’s not the Super Bowl, it’s the “Big Game” at least if you’re have a Super Bo… er, excuse me, “Big Game” party. Does that mean you are going to hunt Elephants and Lions and Tigers (Oh My!) with high powered rifles while sipping pinot noir in the evenings? Oh, not that “Big Game”, that “Big Game.” If I read the tea leaves correctly, this must have all started when the NFL (Nefarious Football Losers) decided that all the bars in the country having Super Bowl parties (notice to NFL lawyers: I am... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Fearless Friday puns

Man, are they overboard. Of course, if you’re overboard, you’re all wet, so let the dousing begin. I got fired working as an extra on the move Titanic, how was I to know I would get scene sick? Ba ding. If you’re a stand up comedian, it’s best to know some butt jokes, they always crack people up. clap clap clap As an alternative to a proctoscope, they have a new method. They set fire to some herbs, then a pump circulates the polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons into one’s lower intestine. That is... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Cutting edge humor

It takes a sharp knife and a sharp wit to cut a tomato. Or, so they would have you believe on the home shopping knife show. Which set me to wondering, why are they called paring knives? After all, there is only one and not two as insinuated by the pair moniker. What if one had two pears? Would one need two pair of paring knives to pare a pair of pears? I think maybe there’s a peck of pickled peppers somewhere in there, but you’d have to ask Peter Piper to be sure. What are the other knives... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

State of the Onion.

CrapLoad News peels back the layers in this eye watering special report. Reporters are gathered around to tell us just exactly what it was everyone said, even though we heard the words perfectly well on our own. Through the magic of electronics, Crapload News has been able to focus a neutrino beam on each politician allowing us decode their thoughts. We will be able to tell you what they were thinking, no matter what they say. Scientists are speculating that most of us have a song stuck in our... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Monday and the bag-balm blues

A true confession about a certain blogger. Of course, you know by now that means me, not you, sorry if you clicked to find out if it was you, but I see a lot of that these days. However, there really is a confession to be had here, so without further ado - I thought of this title while I was putting fresh sheets on the bed. I do that a lot, no not the sheets, coming up with a title for a post and then having to fill in the blanks. I admit, it’s a challenge compared to the “normal” blog process... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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