Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, April 1, 2007

U.S. Treasury announces George W. Bush coin

Officials hopeful Americans will embrace new currency. Americans for some reason, just don’t like coins of larger denominations as can be seen in the wildly unpopular Susan B. Anthony “quarter”, the Sacagawea dollar and that new one, whatever it is. The new coin, in the best Bush tradition, can be whatever denomination you like. It will be imprinted with the motto, “In God and Carl Rove we trust, mostly.” It will also have the slightly modified (in tribute to the many Bushisms) “E plurubus... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Chocolate Jesus gives Catholics the Heebie Jeebies.

An anatomically correct Chocolate sculpture of Jesus has been created (apparently) for the Easter season. The sculpture by Cosimo Cavallaro is called, “My Sweet Lord.” And no, the sculpture does not have a loincloth, so it will be obvious to all that this chocolate work is a Peter Paul, since according to the popular ad jingle, “Peter Paul has nuts, Mounds don’t.” Catholics are bent out of shape at this affrontery. They call it “..one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever.”... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I want to have a Rock & Roll garden.

So I got a manual and turned the Page, sure enough Jimmy showed me how to grow a Robert Plant. Dig a hole with the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and add plenty of Deep Purple fertilizer. Make sure the area has no Rolling Stones, or Stone Ponies for that matter. Be sure to use lots of Roger Waters early on. If the Goodyear Blimp lands in your garden, tie a rope on one end and drag it away, because everyone knows that Led Zeppelins are the best kind. What are we going to have when the blooms come on?... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Headlines with a twist.

Girl Scouts unveil new treat. Yes, I have a dirty mind, but I ask you, isn’t it way too easy to take this headline the wrong way? I don’t know what kind of badge you get for showing your cookies, but I’ll wager it’s not one of the good ones. Turns out, the Girl Scouts have joined the ranks of those reducing trans fats and even have “a new sugar-free cookie that is suitable for diabetics.” Farmers, investors await soil boom. Now this is just a dirty headline, no matter how you take it. Is the... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Uncle John’s handy household tip # 34829.3 1/2

Does your vacuum cleaner suck? Most do, especially the ones with a light that tells you when you need to change the bag. If it’s a new HEPA filter model, those bags can be expensive. So to save money, here’s what you can do. Note: some disassembly will be required. Just take it apart far enough so you can remove that little bulb in the “change bag now idiot” light. Presto! Now you can run those bags as long as you want and no annoying light to lay a guilt trip on you. The savings on bags alone... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

It’s time!

It’s all about time, which of course, waits for no man, or person. We waste so much time, you think we have all we need and then some. The truth is, we don’t have all that much time, so why do we waste so much of it? Well, mostly because it’s more fun than making use of our time. That constitutes work, the dirtiest of all four-letter words. We have all kinds of ways to manage time, but one of them, the stopwatch, doesn’t really stop time at all, must be false advertising. Microwaves, toaster... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Raw reactions to the news - ripped from today’s headlines!

Headline: Clash over firings grows. Observation: No duh! The democrats smell blood and are like a dog with an old sock, only this old sock is named George Bush and they want to sock it to him. Bush, on the other hand says, (paraphrased, naturally) “Well, you can talk to them, but no truth telling allowed.” I don’t know who are the bigger doofuses (doofii?) but one thing is sure, when politicians are involved, doofocity will occur. Headline: Commercial rocket makes it to space. Observation: So,... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Spring is about to sprung

Although it was frosty this morning, there are also signs that a few optimistic blades of grass are starting to green up and raise their little heads in search of the lawn mower. Yes, I know we are supposed to rejoice at the return of the warm weather, the colorful flowers and the silly twittering of the birds, but it all means the song of the Law-Boy isn’t far behind. Somewhere in the garage is my trusty lawn mower, I just don’t know under which pile of unfinished projects it is. It could be... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Adventures in colonoscopy

Clean that bowel and smile for photo endoscopy. Yes, I am among those who, every five years, whether we like it or not, (and believe me I don’t) have to endure that medical procedure known as the colonoscopy. It’s where they stick a camera mounted on a flexible shaft the size of the Alaska pipeline up your nether region and have look see. Note: I am going to take some Ritz with me just in case, you know, Polyp want a cracker. The worst part is that one must cleanse one’s colon. I wonder, do you... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Attention news buffs, the naked truth.

This just in, news buff watches news in the nude, dude judged as lewd. A man from Dense Forest, New Jersey was recently brought before judge Throan Thebookacha on charges of lewd conduct. He was observed watching the evening news attired in nothing more than his birthday suit. In laying out the charges, prosecutor Hedun Good spelled out the specificity of the violation. Neighbors had observed the man, eating supper, naked in front of the TV. They at first were content to ignore him until he ate... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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