Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Have your heard?

Its Rocktober as you surely know if you live within the sound of a radio. I imagine all the rest of the months are jealous, after all, do we have Ah-gust on the easly-listening stations? How about Septegenerember for those moldy-oldie lovers? The talk stations could have May-be yes, May-be no but I’ll bet they don’t. Thrash metal stations take note, I have the rights to Decibelember, pay up or I’ll send you endless Lawrence Welk CDs. The Canadian Broadcast Corporation (no, I don’t really know... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Baby Boomer Investments.

As baby boomers begin to enter the ranks of “the golden years” look for their sheer numbers to influence the financial performance of certain products. Some of my favorites: The adult diaper market should fill out nicely, with Depends cornering this uncontrolled climb in popularity. Erectile Dysfunction aids will see their profits swell and harden into a thrusting niche providing much needed relief to the drug companies. Mobility enhancers including canes, walkers, wheel chairs and electric... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Is it just me?

Or is TV evenly split between commercials and programs? And what about those tampon ads, in what country do they absorb blue water? Maybe it’s the same country where everyone drinks responsibly. Drinker #1: Hey Ted, want one for the road? Drinker #2: No thanks Tom, that would be irresponsible and dangerous. You know, the last thing I want when I drink is a reduced sense of danger and loss of bodily functions. Drinker #1: Uh, isn’t that the point of drinking, to get messed up and forget all about... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Dear Mr. Fixit, a follow up.

I had to take my parrot to a veterinarian to get her feet unstuck from her perch, you piece of crap. Only now she won’t let any African American veterinarians treat her, what’s up with that? Parrot lover. Dear Parrot lover; Isn’t it obvious? Polly wants a cracker! Dear Mr. Fixit; My pet Mallard still can’t flap his wing and the duct tape stuck to his feathers so bad I can’t get it off so a real veterinarian can help me. What kind of crappy advice do you give out anyway? Quacking Up. (still) Dear... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Dear Mr. Fixit

Dear Mr. Fixit, my parrot keeps falling off it’s perch, is there anything I can put on it’s feet to correct the situation? Parrot Lover. Dear Parrot Lover, I suggest poli-grip. Dear Mr. Fixit, a screwball hunter shot the wing off of my pet Mallard, what should I do? Quacking up. Dear Quacking up, carefully re-attach the wing with duct-tape, really I though you could have figured that out on your own. Had you had a pet goose, it would have been a case of goose-down. Dear Mr. Fixit, Humpty Dumpty... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Do you suffer from political constipation?

Regulatory overload got you intellectually stopped up Booby? Endless political ads on the horizon for the next year making you unable to digest the truth? Well, do what I do, chew the facts slowly and carefully. Add in some diligent research, remember, when you encounter contradictory political claims, they can’t both be right, don’t let contradictions bring your thinking to a halt. After all, they may both be wrong. The truth, it has been said, will set you free. Yes, but you must be sure it is... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Wouldn’t it be great?

What if our lives were set to music, like in the movies or TV? That would make things so much easier. Used Car Salesman: Hey there pretty lady, you look like you need some reliable transportation, have I got a deal for you. Pretty Lady: Oh? Really? Background Music: The theme from Jaws begins playing in the background. The Pretty Lady makes a hasty retreat and the Salesman slinks into his office, twirls one end of his shiny black mustache and mutters, “curses, foiled again!” You are walking down... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

A new game - an old post

Heard about the Cox-Ucher wedding? Maybe the Papp-Schmeer nuptuials? Probably not, but now you can spend endless hours making up your own un-seeming matches. Scour your local paper, there may be actual weddings that could tickle a funny bone. Maybe the Blowe-Jobb blowout. Grab a phone book and start looking. They have to be real names is the only catch. Of course if you live in a community like mine where the phone directory can be printed on a matchbook, it may not be much fun. So the next time... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

An I opening story

Who am I to say? Today’s inspiration is brought to you by the letter I. Yes that little word that allows us to refer to ourselves when we are revering ourselves. “Well I would have taken the I-5 to the 205 and used exit 12 because I find it to be less hassle.” “Oh really, well I rode with a good friend and our route was pretty slick, by the way have you met my friend, Les Hassle? Les, this is Ima Buttinsky.” What was I thinking? There is no I in team, unless you play for the DetroIt L I ons, P I... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

E mails, damn spamn

Thach Ikonen, araoawao. That’s who and what the e-mail in my box was supposed to be. Supposed to be, because I killed it before it could multiply. All right, if you’re going to spend the time to send me spurious e-mails, at least take the time to apply some imagination in your bid for my attention. Maybe it should say, Britney Spears, party with me. It would get my attention but still wouldn’t get opened. Thach Ikonen is probably from Finland and you know how they are, those Fins. Always hanging... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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