Monday, January 12, 2009
Advertising slogans that missed the mark
Deep fried earthworms, betcha can’t eat just one! Messygill non-disposable douche, don’t you dare throw it away! Bernie Madoff investements, sometimes the name says it all! Announcing the Ski-Don’t snowmobiles newest model, the Avalanche!
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Sunday, January 11, 2009
Mr. Fixit’s time out
Hi, Mr. Fixit here and am I ever pissed! It’s late at night and instead of relaxing in front of the T.V. or amusing myself on Blogit, I am messing with a carburetor. No, not that tool of the devil from the ‘60s used to incinerate certain herbs in ritual events, that tool of the devil that sits under the hood of my ’76 GMC pickup. I guess I really only have myself to blame. I am cheap and I fancy myself to have some mechanical inclination. By the way, a mechanical inclination can be thought of as...
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Saturday, January 10, 2009
Porn bailout???
Hard times for the porn industry? Government to launch exhausting probe to penetrate smut peddlers claim of insolvency. It seems the Girls Have Gone Mild as far as bank accounts go and Larry Flynt of Hustler notoriety has approached the government for financial assistance. Boy, talk about putting the ass in assistance, there you have it. Just think of it, if the porno mags go down (oh yeah, pun intended) what will become of the KY industry? A researcher, my right hand man to be exact, suggested...
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Friday, January 9, 2009
Stop that clowning around
I remember clown school, I was the guy who tired not to make everyone laugh. That’s right, I was the class republican! Humpty Dumpty was the class valedictorian, always cracking up. Quite often the teacher would turn to us in anger, “all right, who’s not throwing spit balls at me?” One day I sneezed in nose honking 101. Everyone said, “gook joke!” I merely replied, “it snot!” Then there were the Dover twins, Ilene and Ben who were practicing a simultaneous sword-swallowing act with pink Bic...
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Saturday, January 3, 2009
Things you didn’t know you wanted to know until you knew them.
Where do cats prefer to get their pizza? Why, paw paw Murphy’s, of course. What was Ivan the Terrible before he was promoted? Ivan the barely tolerable? I’ll bet you didn’t know Superman used to have a horse. Then he died and they made Super glue out of him. Just like that joke, a little goes a long way. Cyrano DeBergerac had an unfortunate accident with a guillotine, lopped off his schnoz he did. They reattached it with super glue, which then made him Cyanoacrylate DeBergerac. The trouble with...
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Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Get a grip
88 Year old woman grabs intruder’s junk, he leaves. No, you really can’t make up stories like this. It happened in Portland, Oregon when a naked intruder forced her into her living room and then into a chair. That’s when she applied the “grip of doom” to his crotch and squeezed for all she was worth. According to the report, “the man tore free and fled.” Now we all know that when you have a man by the crotch, you have his undivided attention. Further, if he doesn't like what has drawn his...
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Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Who should I pick on today?
A semi-popular blogger who proposes to provide thought provoking nonsense under the guise of, well, what I don’t know. You see, I am that blogger and I have just sat down to prepare today’s post and I have no idea what to write. That’s how I came up with this idea, just a free-form thought association jazz riff kind of a thing, dig? The trouble with these improvisations is I run the risk of derailing my own train of thought. Speaking of derailing, do you suppose this picture might explain some...
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Monday, December 29, 2008
Headlines and punchlines.
Man jailed two days for spitting. It seems a North Idaho man convicted of a traffic violation got more than he bargained for when he spit on the courthouse floor. I guess we should have known that a criminal who fails to stop at a stop sign is just as likely to ignore the “no spitting” signs as well. Jailbird: So, whaddaya infer? Spitter: Spittin’ on the judge’s carpet! Jailbird: Guard! Guard! Get me outta here, I ain’t spendin’ no time with no spitter! Cost of gasoline has gone a long way –...
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Saturday, December 27, 2008
Soap Opera Funerals
“Dearly Beloved, again we are here to honor the memory of James Stenbeck, one more time. I guess the last three didn’t stick, so let’s hope this time does the trick.” The only place busier on a Soap Opera than the mortuary is the condom aisle of the drug store. How many times can they bring someone back who fell out of an airplane, landed in a tree chipper in a swamp full of hungry Alligators that was later drained and set on fire before it was plowed up to start a raspberry farm? “Oh look, that...
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Friday, December 26, 2008
The true meaning of Christmas
C is for the calories you’ll be consuming. H is for those hips where the calories go to rest. R is for the rustling of wrapping paper turning the living room into a mess. I is for the imbibing that makes the day so damn merry. S is for the stress that starts before Thanksgiving. T is for the tree, now tinder dry that could ignite at any moment. M is for the mayhem travelers endure. A is for Adult behavior that abandons everyone in the exchange line. S is, you guessed it, for the stress of making...
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