Sunday, April 27, 2008
Mothers Daze
Why can’t you make spaghetti in the washing machine? If the iron takes the wrinkles out of my clothes, won’t it do the same for the Shar-Pei’s face? Moms are good at putting out the fires of childhood, they have to be. Our neighbors had a parakeet, but we couldn’t afford one, so I just let of couple of Robins in the house. They were more than just name droppers. Why can’t I shave the cat? Dad says you shave yours! Why can’t I work on my motorcycle in the bedroom? It’s cold outside. Dad said it...
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Saturday, April 26, 2008
In search of fun
It’s been a long week and I have been sick. That always makes the week longer and recovery time, well, longer too. Of course, being in a weakened state of mind leaves me open to considering posting things I might normally censor. Right now, I am too tired to concoct a long-winded story only to dump some elaborate pun on you, but that might not stop me. In fact I have such a story in the archives, if I can find it. Just a minute. Here it is! Oh, God, it’s terrible, but hey, what pun worth its...
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Thursday, April 24, 2008
An oddly punishing story
It happened in the old west. You see, a horse had been elected sheriff of a small town. To make his job easier, the townspeople all got together and bought some of those new Nike horseshoes so he would be swift in the pursuit of the criminal element. Of course that’s elementary and also another story but I digress. The sheriff enlisted the aid of his friend the cow, but not the stinking badgers. You know the quote so I won’t say it. So, as Eric the blacksmith was putting the new shoes on the...
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008
What goes in one ear… (from 2004)
Usually rattles around a while then falls out the other. My wife had just laid out some long battle plan for the holidays and asked what I thought. So assailed by political ads and news about politics have I been that I was on ignore mode (odd, since I was watching election returns) and had to ask “what?” Her reply was the ever popular, “I don’t even know why I talk to you.” She would make a great politician. But since I don’t apparently listen, I would make a better one. Speaking of election...
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Monday, April 21, 2008
Flushing golf balls
“Green” toilets may save water, but they can’t flush a dead fly. I know, I’ve tried, never mind how the fly died. Note to all flies, do not buzz a balding man’s head. Of course the results of the first low water volume flush toilets were a miserable failure. What good does it do to cut the water in half if you have to flush the damn thing three times to get the job done? I’ve heard of demonstrations where the new generation of toilets merrily flush down a bucket of golf balls. It is a convincing...
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Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Computer information you may not know
You can buy a computer that will do your humor for you! How will you know it is that special model? Look for the 10 giggle-byte rating!
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Sunday, April 13, 2008
Sir Isaac Newton and his apple.
Having an apple bonk him on the noggin was a stroke of luck for Isaac Newton. He immediately came up with his theory of gravity, to whit, in his own words: “The gravity of the situation would have been much worse, had I been sitting under a bowling ball tree!” This was the mark of true genius, since bowling balls would not be invented for several hundred more years. This same happenstance also gave rise to many sayings such as, “you are the apple of my eye”, “it only takes one bad apple to spoil...
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Saturday, April 12, 2008
Them old car wash blues
It was time to get the layers of crud off the car. Like an archeological dig, one could trace the history of the winter by the composition of the exposed layers. The brown one was from the big snow storm when they put tons of sand on the roads. The gray one was from the quick thaw that brought out the liquid de-icer in an attempt to clear the roads. The black and white speckled one was from the unusually warm day that had the birds out in number, their formations at times blocking out the sun...
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Wednesday, April 9, 2008
A politically correct sneeze, please!
I sneeze into my sleeve, just like they show on all those infomercials, only it gets a little slimy when I am wearing a T-shirt. Yuck. Not only do I sneeze into my sleeve, I also fart down my pant leg! I've been doing that for years, just don't ask about when I am wearing shorts. Double yuck. Which brings us to this thought that is thoroughly disgusting, yet undoubtedly has happened. Which would be worse in zero gravity, being constipated or having diarrhea? Don't pretend you haven't thought of...
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Monday, April 7, 2008
For no apparent reason.
I saw a penny covered with slime lying in the gutter, I panicked and screamed, “you’ll never get me you dirty copper!” See a penny, pick it up? Not when it’s lying in yuk! The sidewalks this spring are terrible, cracks run rampant. The bill from my mother’s chiropractor is killing me. I broke a mirror the other day, so I promptly broke another one, I hate uneven numbers. If you get that, don’t tell the aliens on planet X, they wear mirrors on their shoes. I don’t get that but I’m not going to...
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