Warped thoughts

Friday, August 31, 2012

Things that occur to me

If you re-charge a battery, isn’t that a revolting development? If I can “Like” something on Facebook, why can’t I “Dislike” something? If there were some way to turn Facebook into a legitimate job, unemployment would end tomorrow. Today’s conundrum: I am unemployed. My unemployment benefits have been exhausted. According to the government, I am no longer among the unemployed. Does that make me an intern? At least if I’m giving it away for free, I’m just a slut, not a ho. And finally, does a... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Worst headline?

How Pandas pick the perfect spot to pee. What, they go into the bathroom and lift the lid? Is this how science occupies itself? First the perfect spot to pee is one that’s close enough so one doesn’t get that embarrassing “wet spot”. You know, just before your bladder explodes. Also, privacy barriers are a good thing when choosing a urination station, one doesn’t need performance anxiety when one’s teeth are floating. Biologist: So, Mr. Panda, what do you consider the perfect spot to pee and how... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Bach to school

Every year I awaited the first “back to school” ad and promptly hung it on the refrigerator. The looks I got from my kids, priceless! I never feared school, nor did I look forward to it. There were always those questions about trains going somewhere at sometime and for some reason the person who wrote the questions didn’t have a schedule or they would have known when they would get to Albuquerque. Thanks to Bugs Bunny, I always thought it was spelled Albekoiky! As we always tend to think, if I... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Camping – indoor style.

Recreational Vehicles, some say are not camping. I’ll agree, I certainly miss carefully placing my sleeping bag on a “camping mat” and enduring a freezing night with a rock or twig gouging me in the middle of my back. Getting up in the morning and changing out of warm damp clothes into cold damp clothes has only one redeeming quality and that is those clothes might not smell like armpit. Sure, they may smell of the skunk that wandered through the camp in the night but not pit. RV camping isn’t... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Make you electricity bill disappear

Have you received this e-mail? Do you think it is possibly a scam? Do you think it is anything but a scam? There are two ways (three really, but more about the third later) to make one’s electricity bill disappear. Number one involves using my bill filing system. That will ensure that the offending electricity bill will vanish, assumedly into thin air. At least that’s what always happens to mine. Somehow it magically re-appears when the burly man in the boom truck arrives with his overgrown wire... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

How soon we forget

Remember Mad Cow Disease? Back around 2005 it was headline fodder. Here was my take on that. Thanks for the memories? Mad science. Dr. Bovine A. Bullcow of the Crapload Institute For The Criminally Inane has just announced a new line of study. No, it’s not the line into the cafeteria but close. Nor is it the proctology self study course, butt close. It’s the Angry Bovine Management Course, of course. With Mad Cow disease being all the rage, the good Dr. decided to cash in on this latest cash... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

What’s so puny?

Is the pun the lowest rung on the comedy ladder or the glue that holds the joke together? Face it, the best puns are also the worst. Old episodes of Rocky and Bullwinkle with the accompanying Fractured Fairy Tales quite often caused me to clap my hand to my forehead in unbridled amusement. My cousin and I would endlessly play off each other in what some might call “dueling puns.” It was great exercise for the mind, but not of much actual value. Or so I thought. My long suffering wife often asks... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Pun or what?

Recently, in the children’s shoe department at a large chain store, I saw a young lad who refused to sit still while his mother tried shoes on him. Finally, they went to the sporting goods and brought back length of rope. They were able to secure the squabbling snot to the chair and outfit him with back to school footwear. A passerby asked, “what’s all the fuss?” I, as casually as I could, offered this explanation, “why, can’t you see he’s tied to be fit!” Sign in to see full entry.

A sign of too much time with baby

Your wife may be spending too much time with the baby if, during love making she begins to clap her hands excitedly and shout, “good job!” Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, August 6, 2012

The search for dark matter

Scientists are all a-twitter over the hunt for the mysterious “dark matter.” Lead technician on the search Ivnawtt Gottaklu commented, “the darker it is the more it matters!” It seems if you really understand numbers and geeky formulas, that the universe should have more matter than these same smart people think it really has. Confounding the search is the problem that no one can see dark matter. Which, of course, is why it’s called dark. When it’s daylight, one can’t see the dark matter because... Sign in to see full entry.

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