Thursday, February 5, 2009
Don’t judge me!
Holy crap, did I insinuate that I watch Judge Judy? Of course I did, as part of a self-deprecating joke. Really, I did have to watch her long enough to make fun of her, otherwise how would I know about that voice that is a cross between a bagpipe and a chainsaw? That and her pinched up face, she looks like she has been sucking on lemons, limes and onions all day. I suppose there is some entertainment value to be had watching her berate the morons who appear on her show. This is the judicial...
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Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Not ready for prime time.
The digital transition has fallen on hard times. It seems some folks haven’t gotten their doo-doo together enough to get off their couch-lined asses and get those converter boxes, new TVs, satellite or cable hook ups. How could people not be ready? It has been on every TV station for the last two years, nearly non-stop. If these idiots haven’t seen the notice, they probably don’t watch that much TV and wouldn’t notice the difference till June anyway. Mr. Obama, a little tough love here, those...
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Saturday, January 31, 2009
Ok, Ok, you thought the last one was bad!?!
Times are getting tough. We all need to do what we can to survive. Case in point: A fellow I knew, a biological engineer by trade thought he had come up with the solution to the problem of feeding the world and supplying biomass for conversion to oil and oil by-products. You see, he had genetically engineered a strain of super bean plants. They would grow so high that the tops were obscured by the clouds. He also told me something about giants, but being from England, he must have eaten some bad...
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Friday, January 30, 2009
Snow joke
What did the left hand say to the right hand in the dead of winter? “I don’t know about you, but I’m in the mood for glove!”
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Thursday, January 29, 2009
Blow it out your ass!
The answer to the nations’ energy crisis? Is old food4thought putting us on? You may very well ask that, but I only offer you the truth, whether you admit it or not. Ok, ok, I know I’ve posted this insightful piece before, twice before to be exact, but right now, it is even more relevant than it ever was or may ever be. Herewith, I present to you an idea that may have merits, or maybe needs to be written on toilet paper so it gets the proper respect, as our friends as Fox network say, “you...
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Sunday, January 25, 2009
I almost got a blow job
The one I wanted was out of stock. What? Er, ok, I might have phrased that badly. You see I have a job for a snow blower so technically that headline ~snicker~ is correct. Winter is far from over up here and the berms around the house where the snow slid off the metal roof are nearly as tall as I am. I figure when it starts to get softer, ~snicker, snicker~I will move it into the lawn to keep water from causing the foundation to settle, not a job I want to do with a shovel. I don’t dig...
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Thursday, January 22, 2009
Two frogs and a bass violin
A magician turned me into Shetland Pony. I feel no ill after affects but I am a little hoarse. How about some new clichés for the day? A smart horse doesn’t waste any time, but a smart ass wastes everyone’s time. When young horses are playing grab-ass, do their parents scold them and say, “all right children, no people play!”? I have said before that you can lead a horse to water but you will probably get your shoes wet. That beats what happens when you try to push a horse to water. Why are old...
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Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thinking on a perpendicular plane.
True inspiration is never appreciated. I work in R&D. It is our job to research and develop. Part of our mission is to think outside of the box. It was just that inspiration that allowed me to develop a new breakfast cereal (which was in truth our old cereal) and put in a package that would distinguish it from the competition. What I cam up with was a standard cardboard box, but then I put the product in a clear plastic wrap so the cereal was visible to the consumer. Not only that, it was...
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Saturday, January 17, 2009
This serious business of humor
Being funny is not easy. Then again, its not all that hard, all I do is exaggerate mine and everyone else’s foibles in such a way it makes the reader feel better about themselves. Besides, they know I’m really kidding, no one could be as accident prone as I propose to be. It’s a little like Steve Martin with the arrow through the head gag. It was funny because it was so obviously cheesy. So when I wrote a long account of buying a new snow thrower it was my version of an arrow through the head,...
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Thursday, January 15, 2009
How to make a joke.
Take three disparate elements, such as a nun a giraffe and a bartender. Put them in an unlikely situation, a bowling alley for example. Imagine a completely off the wall set up preferably a non-sequiter at the start. A doctor asks them if they have rented shoes. The Nun says “no, my soles are holy, they will not soil your alley.” The giraffe says, “I’m a professional, I have my own shoes.” The bartender says, “I’m only here to get my balls polished!” Monica Lewinsky emerges from the back room...
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