Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, November 8, 2012

A reading list

I read a book on bridge building. I found it riveting. I read a book about hurricanes. It blew. Then I found a book about the origins of shaving, but it was a bald-faced lie. For some light reading, I found a volume on hot air balloons. I started to read about lead, but it was too dense for me. Next I tried to find out how to build a violin at home but it strung me out. Finally I picked through a pamphlet on how to play the banjo. That is all for now. Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, November 2, 2012

A vegan pun

A fellow went into the niche business of operating a truck that rescued drivers who were stranded or who had been in a crash, only he limited his customers strictly to vegetarians. The name of the business? Thought you would never ask. Of course, the logo painted on the side of the truck read… “TOW FEW” Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Attention Politicians!

Please stop using robo-dialers! The first thing I do when I get one of those calls is cross your name off the list of people I might vote for. Nothing is more infuriating than to get a call from “unknown caller” only to have it be a computer generated political ad. Oddly enough, “unknown caller” is also how phones identify the Washington State Employment Security calls. Why this is, I don’t know. Please Employment Security, enable caller id on your lines so I don’t let a potential job lead go to... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Handy Dandy tips for Halloween

Checking treats for foreign objects. Don’t bother going to the hospital to have them x-ray your goodies. Just pop them in the microwave and look for sparks. This works excellent, or at least the theory I just came up with says it will. However (and don’t ask me how I know) melted candy has been known to gum up the mechanicals of the microwave turntable. No, it’s not covered under the warranty and they are rather bad sports about that. Keep kids form overindulging in sweets by having a parent... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 26, 2012

How to rake leaves without a rake

As humans evolve, they devise ways to reduce the manual labor required to do menial tasks. Whether this attempt to save labor is due to abject laziness or a desire to develop neat tools can be debated. Sometimes, however, the effort saved may seem as if it hasn’t been saved at all. Consider raking leaves. Oh sure, one could buy a standard garden rake which at the most expensive might cost $15. Then all that’s left is to apply elbow grease and the leaves are taken care of. My back won’t allow me... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

From last election

Nursery Rhyme Politics. Red State. Blue State. Fred State. You State. Politicians all fat Cause they stayed up late And ate. Green eggs and ham? If it gets votes They don’t dive a damn! Hillary had a little lamb And tried to fleece us all You know. And everywhere that Hillary went Bill will surely go. Obama didn’t invent the internet But may be pre-disposed to host a dog fight The reason simply put: His Barak is worse than his byte! Jack and Jill (which of course symbolically is you and me) went... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Jest Streams

Misty white lines in the sky, side effect of jet travel or a sinister government plot buried in a white lie? Let me get this straight. We all know the government is broken, it can’t do anything right. Right? No, left. What? Yet, somehow this same dysfunctional government can mysteriously inject substances into jet contrails (why aren’t they called protrails?) that will somehow bring us under their (don’t know exactly who, no one ever says) influence. Then we will, Lemming like step off that... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Oh those headlines

Mom who glued daughter’s hands: ‘I’m not a monster’ Oh really? More like an idiot is my guess but this is one mom who shouldn’t feel too good about her parenting skills at any rate. Diversity chief signed anti-gay marriage petition Now what could be more diverse than that? We have to make up our minds whether or not diversity is a good thing. As temperatures fall, heating costs rise All right, somebody please file that in the “no duh” bin. How does that work again? When it gets colder, we turn... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Headlines again

Gore blames Denver altitude for Obama debate performance. Where else but on Fox? Already I’m ready to unleash my inner cynic, but first let me read behind the headline. Can it really be that silly? Well, as one might suspect, the 5000 foot thin Denver air has been known to affect professional athletes. Add that to the claim Obama had only arrived in Denver a few hours before the debate while Romney “did his debate prep in Denver.” First, I didn’t think Obama was that far off the mark but then I... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Introducing the Me Phone

Bigger, faster, stronger, less sexy, includes batteries and carrying cart. Also included is a map pocket to keep all your old school paper folding type maps in. No Map Ap needed when you have the Map Sack! Concerned about connectivity issues? No sweat, we have no connectivity built in whatsoever, when the battery runs down, just get a new one. The Chinese will never hurt for jobs with this plan. Remember, ask for it by name, because there is no I in Me. Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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