Tuesday, February 24, 2009
State of the Onion.
A re-run from last year, or maybe two years ago, I don’t know! No, I’m not particularly picking on George as you will see. Sorry about the re-run but after I looked at my stock portfolio I’m not in a very humorous mood. CrapLoad News peels back the layers in this eye watering special report. Reporters are gathered around to tell us just exactly what it was everyone said, even though we heard the words perfectly well on our own. Through the magic of electronics, Crapload News has been able to...
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Saturday, February 21, 2009
Academy Awards – Academic?
Actors work in exotic locales, get paid exorbitant amounts of money and “suffer” the yoke of public adulation. And they get Awards on top of it all? Come on! It must be soooo hard to pretend you’re someone else. Pretend, mind you. Hey, I could qualify for an Award if that’s what it takes. Announcer: And tonight the Academic Award for best performance by an employee calling in sick goes to…..Food4Thought for his thoroughly convincing job of calling in sick from the club house at Pebble Beach as...
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Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Put your legs in the air like you just don’t care
Hey, sex, drugs and rock’n’roll! So what’s with putting your hands in the air like you just don’t care? Hands? Oooohhhh, you rebels putting your hands in the air, well I just don’t care. Ok, at this point I would suggest as you read this to use your Craig Ferguson voice, that’s what I do. I KNOW! Now really, if rock’n’roll is all bout sex and the other stuff, you really have to put your legs in the air. Well, guys not so much unless you are, and you know who you are but I won’t ask, nor will I...
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Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine’s decorations.
At last the Valentine Rose Bush is decorated with blown glass candy heart replicas complete with snazzy phrases such as: Kiss me quick, before the Viagra wears off. Or the perennial favorite: Love me, my Herpes is in remission. Don’t forget the Hillbilly favorite: You kiss your mother with that tongue? Or the newly added: Don't tell me them 14 babies is mine. The Valentine lights are up outside, all red, white and pink bulbs. I carefully and respectfully replaced Jesus in the lighted animated...
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Friday, February 13, 2009
Grammy one-liner etc.
Katy Perry sang “I just kissed a girl and I liked it” at the Grammy Awards Sunday night. Apparently Chris Brown was doing his own rendition which coincidentally was called, “I just kicked a girl and I liked it!” Who knew? Republicans claimed they wanted to participate in the new Obama administration in a show of bi-partisanship. With the latest cabinet appointee bowing out and claiming something along the lines of “I didn’t realize there would be such great differences of opinion on policy...
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Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The creative process
How do WE do it? Yes you as well as me. I assume if you are reading this, then you are also a writer, or maybe like me, you are someone who thinks they are a writer. And as we all know from Renee Descartes cousin, Bernard Duhmasse who used Descetes’ familiar cogito as the bases for his own theory, “I think I’m a writer…Therefore, I am a writer.” Whether or not we are writers is really a rhetorical question. I almost said parenthetical question but then I realized I didn’t really know what that...
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Tuesday, February 10, 2009
New T.V. show
Michael Phelps as James Bong! The secret agent without a clue and a bad case of the munchies. 7-11 clerk: May I help you sir? James Bong: Uh, yeah, you got some red ink on your forehead dude, but seriously I would like some Cheetos, shaken not stirred. Maybe it’s a parody too easy but certainly one for our times. James Bong discovers secret weapons on his car. James Bong (to mechanic): Uh, like when I push this button it makes a whirring noise, is that a machine gun? Mechanic: No, that’s the...
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Monday, February 9, 2009
A Rose;
By any other name would still cost too much! How much should one pay for a cut flower that is already wilting? Roses may be beautiful but really now, why should one have to re-finance the house to get something that is already dead? Thank you pretty little flower girl on the corner, the check will be in the mail. Now there’s a ready-made punch line if I ever heard one. One day I came home to the sight of my soggy pay stub on the counter and my neighbor was talking to my wife while his two...
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Saturday, February 7, 2009
Am I crazy?
It has been suggested that yours truly has too much time on his hands, or maybe I am crazy. Anyone that thinks I have too much spare time is crazy. But then, if you are reading me, you’re not crazy at all, not yet at least. From time to time it may seem as if I am trying to drive you crazy. Guilty as charged, but I am only trying to draw you into the world inside my head. The one inhabited by my alter ego, the maniac that has a smart-ass answer for everything. The one that could get a person...
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Friday, February 6, 2009
Waiting to exhale
Michael Phelps! Who on the planet hasn’t written about this incident yet? Me! But I’m about to take care of that. I just saw an interview on T.V. and the reporter asked him, “A lot of people wonder, what were you thinking?” I listened to his answer, no doubt penned by a publicist, but my mind was wandering to my own warped version of his answer, to whit: Oh wow, I don’t know, it was just, like you know everybody was doing it and I got caught up in the moment, I had never tried it before, I had a...
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