Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Saturday, January 19, 2013

A few words on the wonderful world of computers

Whatever you know, or thought you knew about running your computer will change tomorrow. Not literally tomorrow but it will seem like it. We have been using Windows Mesh to share files between our desktop and laptop. It works great, so the powers that be have decided that Windows Mesh will become of thing of the past. I have one question…Why? Did it work too good and make the rest of the programs look bad? Now they want us to park our files in something called Skydrive. Where exactly is... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

A new list.

Make yours today! Hint, it rhymes with bucket list and could be just as fun. Whether it is our to-do list or our New Year’s resolution, we all have lists that contain a few items that we know will never be accomplished. So join me now and make a list of the things we just will never do. That’s right, getting a date with Raquel Welch is off my bucket list and now on my ****it list! Learning to fly an airplane, driving a formula one car and winning the lottery, plink, plink, plink into the same... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year’s restitutions

Paybacks for last year’s resolutions that were broken before the hangover wore off. Resolutions like, I’m not going to watch as much TV. Does Netflix count as TV? Hey, what else is there to do New Year’s Day? Besides, gotta get in practice, the Super Bowl will be coming soon. Oooohhhh, all those new commercials! Resolutions like, I’m not going to drink so much. Tipping a few cold ones just goes along with watching sports on TV, so forget that one. Resolutions like, I’m going to get serious about... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

A movie-ing pun

I’m going to make a movie about a fellow, who during the French Revolution starts a business making croissants. He doesn’t get rich, in fact he manages to get just a little above the poverty level. I’m going to call it LESS MISERABLE! Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, December 14, 2012

The how many days of Christmas?

A re-run but still fun, I hope! Ok, we need more Christmas is what you’re telling us? After all, they break out the tree ornaments in most stores around, oh, maybe June or something. We have the 12 day tradition firmly established in song although no one really knows why this tradition is. I mean it’s hard enough to get gifts for one day, let alone twelve. Even those who celebrate Chanukah are saying, “enough already!” A Partridge in a Pear tree. Which Partridge? Do they even do public... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

A word or two about tree screwing

Dear readers, You may have noticed my infrequent posts. I have been busy screwing my tree. Sure I could have phrased that better, but it would have ruined the double entendre. While it is true, it is also a lie, I did not screw my tree, I let a professional do that boring job. You see, the tree has a very pronounced crotch (it’s a real tree term) that weakens the tree and is prone to breaking the tree in two and also letting in unwanted pests. The tree might break and then it would be I who was... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Smart phone, dumb guy

We have recently entered the world of the “smart phone” although now I really don’t know why. Among a horde of apps, widgets, icons, home pages, wall paper, wall flowers and so much stuff, I’m going to need a wall banger, Harvey style just to get thought the manual. Oh and by the way, that 218 page manual is available in pdf format, grand. The first question is, when the phone rings, how the hell do you answer? Do you tap, swipe, scroll, yell or do the twist like you did last summer? The first... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, November 30, 2012

I know I knew this

What is it called when you see someone you have seen before and you still can’t remember their name? Deja Who? Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Oh, THAT Washington

Along with Colorado, Washington is on the map. Mainly because in these two states, voters passed ballot measures decriminalizing the marijuana. But before you think that everyone in the “Evergreen State” is permanently mellow, check out this news story from Longview, Washington. A woman and her six-year-old son were at Lake Sacagawea near Longview when a man sat down, started performing a sex act and told her she could watch. She put the magazine in her Ruger.380 pistol, cocked it and told him,... Sign in to see full entry.

A new form of poetry

Invented by me, because I’m not very good at it. This form of sublime rhyme takes cues from the ever popular Limerick. You know, There once was a man named Burl Ives No one knew, but he suffered from hives. When asked if they itch He said, “like a bitch” You can hear him scratching before he arrives. Of course, that is completely lame and doesn’t adhere strictly to the classic Limerick rhyme scheme, mostly because I don’t know it, I’m too lazy to look it up and frankly, I don’t care. So there... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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