Thursday, May 15, 2008
One liners for life...
You're just another cow pie in the pasture of life!
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Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Stepladder safety from Dr. Fued4thawt.
Never use an aluminum ladder for a flotation device, no matter how inviting they look. While you can use a ladder to spread mustard on your hot dogs, it is probably best not to. Never stand on the top of a stepladder, especially if you are a female and doubly especially if you are wearing a dress and triple especially if you are going commando. Ok, here’s a thought, why, if you are not supposed to step on the top of a ladder, do they put a top on in the first place? And why is it everything you...
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Tuesday, May 13, 2008
What if I don’t feel like being funny?
Isn’t being funny looking enough? And I don’t even have to work hard at that, it just comes naturally. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a clown with a big-assed painted on frown trying to make people laugh. I’m more of a smart-ass trying to reduce this confusing and troubling world to terms I can deal with. But there are times when cyclones decimate entire countries, earthquakes shake another country and a volcano in South America is spewing enough crap in the air to negate global warming. There is...
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Friday, May 9, 2008
a re-run, but lots of fun...
A country song, Frozen Love. Thoughts of yew are always near to me. In case I got hit by a train I wanted you to have a little something so I could be more than just memories in your brain. So I went to Phil’s Sperm bank and Deli down in the holler. No longer in self-pity do I have to waller! (Chorus) Cause now you got my frozen love upon yer freezer shelf. A sterile plastic jar that’s plum full ‘o myself. Yes it’s my frozen love, ‘n you kin give me lots of thanks as you look at that little jar...
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Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Try as I might
Does anyone use an outline for their blogs? Remember those old-fashioned frameworks from the olden days that writers used to hang their arguments on? They allowed logical progression and a smattering of organization. Anybody tries to organize me gets smattered, I’ll tell you that right now. Organization is highly overrated and highly despised, especially by the disorganized. I wanted to join a union, but when I found out it was for organized labor, I ran for the door. What I wanted was to be...
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Saturday, May 3, 2008
Batting practice
My real intention is to drive you batty and that does take some practice. I’ll warm up with this one. I went to an auction but I only listened, you could say I was an auction ear. Sort of. It would be terrible to be the rump roast inspector, at best you would always be getting behind in your work. Now if that isn’t slap stick, I’ll slap you with a stick, yes the one you can’t shake at things. Slipshod slapstick, now there’s a concept, an oxymoron and a redundancy all rolled into one. I wonder,...
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Friday, May 2, 2008
Tough luck
A falling safe would hit the ground right next to me, the door would burst open opposite me and spew money to everyone but me. That seems to be my lot in life. Tough luck, sorta good, but not really good. I wanted to be an engineer but by the time I would have completed my schooling, all the jobs would have been filled and I would have to settle for, oh I don’t know, probably a sanitary engineer. I also wanted to play guitar in a rock band but my stubby fingers barely wrap around a pencil, much...
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Thursday, May 1, 2008
Barbara Walters succumbed to jungle fever
Yes, Ms. Walters will admit to Oprah that she had an affair with an African-American senator from Massachusetts, Republican Edward Brooke. I am having a difficult time deciding whether this goes in the opinion section or the humor section. I feel that Babs is free to live her life the way she chooses and my opinion wouldn’t make a Quaking Aspen sapling’s worth of difference to her, so of course I will look for the humor in the situation. One can imagine that Barb never asked Brooke the infamous...
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Sunday, April 27, 2008
Mothers Daze
Why can’t you make spaghetti in the washing machine? If the iron takes the wrinkles out of my clothes, won’t it do the same for the Shar-Pei’s face? Moms are good at putting out the fires of childhood, they have to be. Our neighbors had a parakeet, but we couldn’t afford one, so I just let of couple of Robins in the house. They were more than just name droppers. Why can’t I shave the cat? Dad says you shave yours! Why can’t I work on my motorcycle in the bedroom? It’s cold outside. Dad said it...
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Saturday, April 26, 2008
In search of fun
It’s been a long week and I have been sick. That always makes the week longer and recovery time, well, longer too. Of course, being in a weakened state of mind leaves me open to considering posting things I might normally censor. Right now, I am too tired to concoct a long-winded story only to dump some elaborate pun on you, but that might not stop me. In fact I have such a story in the archives, if I can find it. Just a minute. Here it is! Oh, God, it’s terrible, but hey, what pun worth its...
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