Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Humor eludes me
Every spring I have this same sense of wonder and foreboding. Everything is turning a wonderful shade of green, and my lawmower is also green. Soon it will start. So I present a previously posted platitude prepetuating my attitude about yard chores. These are the times that try the soles of men’s shoes, especially when wrestling the old human powered reel mower that was once a yard ornament his grandparents inherited back in the Ice Age. It is a heavy beast, made of the finest cast iron and the...
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009
But I WANT to pay my taxes!
After all, the government needs my money more than I do. I mean those poor slobs at AIG must be struggling with those puny bonuses they got paid. I also know the government is very careful with my money and wouldn’t waste one cent of it on frivolous items or projects. So to the Tea Party I say the heck with you, unclench your selfish little fists and give good old Uncle Sam his due! I also believe in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy (although you never see Richard Simmons and the...
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Friday, April 10, 2009
The Easter Wabbits tail
Reporter: How did it all start Mr. E. Bunny. E. Bunny: (Shown in profile to protect his identity) Innocently enough, like most vices, a guy in an alley offered my a brightly colored egg. I cracked it open and ate it, it was good, the best egg I ever had. Of course with eggs, once they are eaten that’s it, gone, so I just had to have another one. One thing led to another and now I devote all my energy to getting an egg fix. Reporter: Just how did you start associating yourself with Easter? E....
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Thursday, April 9, 2009
April showers.
Spring is in the air, the nip of winter still present in the morning makes me wonder how the lawn could possibly need to be watered already. I glance across the street only to observe my neighbor (the Boy Scout troop master) looking at his lawn, a perfectly manicured carpet of deep velvety green. He is also watering his lawn even though he is standing in his living room looking out his bay window with the flower box in front. Yes, he is one of those despicable people who care enough about how...
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Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Business names that just don’t work
The child actress that starred in ET is all grown up now. Yes, Drew is quite the young woman and interested in expanding her financial enterprises. She saw that the mortuary business is one with a constant demand. However when they hung the sign on her first establishment, it was obvious this wasn’t going to work. You can’t have a mortuary business called “Barrymore Funeral Parlor.”
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Sunday, April 5, 2009
Re-programming
The dreaded learning curve. We are in the midst of a bathroom re-model so to make things “easier” I have put some programs on my computer that will allow me to draw up plans, add details such as wall colors, utility placements and such, then view them in 3-D to see what it should look like. The only trouble is, I can only make a straight line so far and that looks pretty much the same in 3-D as it does in no-D. The way I have it figured, the contractor will draw plans on the back of cocktail...
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Thursday, April 2, 2009
Do the wrong thing
Eat healthy, drink responsibly, drive safely, these are all things we know we should do. I have had to turn into a label reader lately due to borderline cholesterol and high blood pressure. I try to eat as healthy as I can but some times nothing can take the place of a good old greasy, cheese dripping hamburger and a cardboard sleeve of potatoes fried in God knows what. Even though I can feel the food later, sitting there in my stomach like a rock and I know that’s not good, the comfort factor,...
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Saturday, March 28, 2009
Spinning wheel, got to go ‘round…
A line from a ‘70s song or my life, I don’t know which. It all starts with “the contractor is coming to re-model our bathrooms.” While he is here, I want to put new storage shelves in the garage. That means I have to move the temporary shelves and all the stuff on them so he can put in my new shelves. Only, where do I put the stuff that is on the shelves because I don’t have any other place to put it? I can’t put it on the floor, the cats will mark it and you know what that means. If I put in...
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Thursday, March 26, 2009
Planetary musings
News from Uranus! Poor Uranus, punch line of many an astronomical joke, at least it didn’t suffer the fate of Pluto being reduced to a “Plutoid.” Of course, all on Uranus ~Heh, Heh~ is not safe. International Planetary Meeting. We find the H ead P lanetary D ude calling the meeting to order. HPD: All right, this year we take up the serious problem of the planet with the not-so-serious name. P lanetary S cientist 1: Hey, is it that planet that looks like your anus? Gathered Throng: HAR, HAR!!!...
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Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Old School
What does that mean, really? Let’s see, a school that’s old? No, they tear them down every ten years any more. What’s more confusing is there is no saying such as, “I’m going new school on you dude!” Not only that, old school usually really isn’t all that old. There is a recent TV ad for the venerable land line telephone where the young kid says about his phone with the cord hooked to the wall, “I’m going old school on you dude!” Now as most of us of any age at all know, really old school would...
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