Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Let there be light(s)

Monsters be there. Demons to strike fear into the heart on any stout-hearted man. Of course, I’m too ignorant to be fearful, so I tune the satellite to Sounds of the Season and whistle “Dashing through the snow” all the way to the garage in search of my prized collection of Christmas Lights. Naturally, they are buried at the back of the tallest shelf along with the bug sprayers, weed sprayers and noxious chemicals perched precariously in front to them. Prudence tells me I should remove these... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

So, let me get this straight

Santa was born in a manger because it was empty since Rudolph was out back with the gang smoking Chronic and playin’ mumbeldy-peg (which as we all know, is not a Reindeer game). Three Wise-Guys came in to secure zoning clearance for a new Wal-Mart. They were riding Camels because the Surgeon General didn’t know any better in those days. They brought gifts for the city council. Frankenstien, and Murray Gould. Extra muscle in case the local politicians got greedy. After the guests had all left the... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

Caution, side effects

Those cute drug disclaimers, you know the ones: The use of this product may have side effects that are worse than the condition you are trying to relieve. Purple pills, green inhalers, it’s enough to make you sick. The pitch: Feeling depressed? Try this stuff, damn its good! Yes, new Bluze Bee Gawn will have you feeling yourself in no time. And we’re not just talkin’ dangling modifiers here. Oh, by the way side effects may be, but are not limited to Diahrrea Constipation Vomiting Puking Dry... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, December 9, 2003

I just quack myself up sometimes.

Dateline – Tinseltown: In cost cutting moves, the AFLAC insurance company has laid off its commercial superstar. It seems the demands for bigger nests, fresh organic insects and beautiful white swans finally priced him out of the market. But the billed one won’t be down for long according to information just handed Crapload News. The Trojan prophylactic corporation signed the web-footed wonder for a series of TV spots during the Super Bowl. Ah yes, the AFLAC Quacker is set to make his debut as... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, December 8, 2003

Shopping, the conspiracy revealed.

Over the years, I have noticed a peculiar chain of events that unravels every time I accompany my wife into that frightening part of the world, women’s wear. I have formulated a theory that dark forces are at work, forces that I am just now beginning to comprehend. When we enter a store my wife, a serious no-nonsense accountant accustomed to dealing with large amounts of money is suddenly transformed into a quivering indecisive doofus. Since she has taken on my personality, there is little left... Sign in to see full entry.

Shiny new snow blower with slightly bent handles.

The beer stop took longer than I anticipated, but my attitude has improved greatly. The whole unloading farce seems just the tiniest bit funny to even me by now. Ok, time for the oil. I carefully check the label to make sure I have the recommended product, but all these seem to be fuzzy, bad printing no doubt. After double-checking the manual three times, I open the oil and begin pouring. Not wanting to overfill I keep checking the dipstick. I am impressed that a Briggs and Stratton would have a... Sign in to see full entry.

Punny Movies

This world war II saga stars John Wayne as the unwilling submarine commander forced to defend allied supply lines in a U-boat with a crew of Catholic sisters. “The action is intense and devotional”, Gene Chalet. “I was on the edge of my seat, and wore out three sets of Rosary Beads”, Picky McSnivel. Tune in tonight as the Hysterical Channel presents, Nun Silent, Nun Deep! Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, December 1, 2003

From the “This Just In” Department:

Noses form Union. Several are running for president. Reportedly there are a few early drop outs that have already blown their campaign budgets. In France there is a general Nasal strike scheduled, picket lines are forming as we speak. Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

Shiny new Snow Blower

Snow removal, I have decided, is not a job suited for ancient technology such as snow shovels. What I need is a shiny new snow blower. That will make this arduous task something I will look forward to! So there it is in the back of my pickup glistening in the failing light of dusk and I am eager to unload it and get on with blowing some snow. It looks sorta heavy though. The neighbors have already gathered at their windows to watch this process. Somehow, my yard maintenance efforts have become a... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, November 29, 2003

In the lane, snow is glisnen’

In the garage the snow shovel is not. It is all rusty and bent with a handle held together with two and a half rolls of duct tape. Really, I would be better off to get one of those new space age jobs with the ergonomic handle. Then I remember I tried one once. It made my back feel like I had been riding a mechanical bull with a bag of cement on each shoulder. And the snow just fell off the thing. I think they should have make the curvature of the shovel part just the opposite of what they did.... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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