Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Sunday, October 3, 2004

Wrap your mind around this.

If ice cream made a noise, what kind of noise would it make? It would be a very n-ice noise or maybe the sound of a belt stretching? If a tree fell in the woods and no one was around, who would file the environmental impact statement? Was Saint Peter the patron saint of, well, you know what? If not, why is there no Saint Penis? We know which pearly gates he would guard. Standing at attention. A Viagra tattoo on his er, well, bicep. Deep down the moon is envious of the blue-green marvel of Earth... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:37 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Lawn Green

My back lawn is not a Bonanza, it is a weed-infested patch of ground that resembles a military munitions testing site. In an effort to make it level I sat on a small tractor all afternoon and drove backward in circles dragging the bucket until it is now somewhat level. I, as a result was somewhat dizzy. It must have been that dizziness (and the pint of Jack Daniels in the cup holder) that got me to thinking this would be a good place for a pond. Yeah, a pond. Now you don’t have to mow or water a... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:17 AM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Saturday, October 2, 2004

It’s Friday.

All week long has been a rush to get to the weekend, now it’s here and I’m not ready. I have a car to wash. I have a car that needs an oil change. I have a car that needs the inside cleaned. I have a lawn that needs mowed, raked and watered. I have a back lawn that need to be finished prepping for re-seeding. The Garage is only half clean. I started on it two years ago and forgot now which side is the clean one. I’ll wager it’s where the dirty car is parked. The living room is torn apart for... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:16 AM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

New Shows you might have missed!

Al Sharpton has a new political interview show that pits the quick witted Sharpton against the cream of the political crop. All issues are covered, so don’t you dare miss an episode of Sit Down and Shut Up! Coming this fall on Spike TV. Champion ice skater Tai Babalonia hosts an hour long talk show. It’s all glitz and glamour on The Spin Zone on FOX. A long awaited remake of an old standard appears this fall, but with a totally today twist. Yes, it’s the story of a gay California Hiway Patrol... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:21 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, September 27, 2004

Take a number, just not number two.

Reports have it an unruly 1 st grader dropped his drawers and deposited a #2 on the floor and it was not a pencil! The teacher then scooped it up with a paper towel, put it in a baggie and placed it in the youngsters back pack. Now the teacher is on suspension. I can only wonder about what kind of upside-down society we have that would allow this to occur? Why isn’t the parent on suspension? I would think the sight of a bagged poo would wake the parents up to problematic behavior on the part of... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:38 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, September 24, 2004

Cows and Chickens and Grapes, Oh, my!

I hate it when I get an idea like this in my head. I don’t know what to do with it. Should I post it to hopefully amuse other bloggers? Should I just let it play out in my head? Should I wait until tomorrow when I will desperately try to remember what was so damned funny yesterday because now I am in need of a post? Suppose Dorothy had hooked up with a cow a chicken and a grape? Would the Wizard of Oz have been so captivating? Think about it, political correctness run amok! Her companions would... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 4:57 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

How to kiss a porcupine.

What’s the hardest thing about French kissing a porcupine? Making sure you have the right end. I tried pan-handling the other day. I didn’t do too bad either, 47 handles in all, now if I just had a pan I could cook something. Someone asked my how my mind works. Frankly I think it just punches in and hangs around till quitting time. A Catholic, a priest and a nun walked into a bar owned by a dyslexic. He looked up and said, “I was talking to the duck!” I think perhaps this is “a blog too far”. Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:51 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, September 20, 2004

Why I would never homeschool my kids.

Sorry it’s just not for me. I mean would you want your kids to have an idiot smartass for a teacher? A lesson on Einstein might go like this – “Einstein’s theory of relativity says you can’t marry your relatives unless you are a famous physicist.” Or the discovery of fire. “Og, what you think, fire have use?” “Yes, but not for toilet paper, me certain of that now. Got ice?” How about this explanation of the multiplication tables. “Those are the little tables we put in the bunny hutch.” You don’t... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 1:01 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Hookers go on strike!

If prostitutes had a union and they went on strike, would it be a stand up strike? If people that compulsively clean their noses out with their fingers had a union - that would be one picket line I wouldn’t want to cross. If crochet aficionados formed a union would they call themselves the United Hookers? If pimps had a union and went on strike…who am I kidding, they are always striking. If Pit Bulls had a union and went on strike, would they then not mangle anyone until their demands for dental... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 11:35 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, September 17, 2004

Do you suppose?

What are the chances this really happened? The scene: the locker room of the losing team, the reporters press close to the beleaguered coach, one question on everyone’s mind, “coach, why didn’t you win?’ The coach takes a long breath, looks steadily into the camera and says, “because we didn’t score enough points. That is all, goodnight gentlemen.” Really, what more is there to say? “Well, they brought their A-game and ours musta been like our Q-game. A always beats Q, you know? We just failed... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:57 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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