Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, November 28, 2011

A waist of thyme?

Facebook, Words with friends, addictive, entertaining, exercise for the mind, so is it really a waste of time? Like all things internet, yes and no. What happens is you end up playing a dozen or so friends at a time. Sometimes it may be days before anyone makes a move, other times two or three friends are more like fiends making move after move. Of course who can resist when the action is fast and furious? There are more than a few odd things about this game, first being some of the words... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The future history of BlackFriday

More than ever, BlackFriday is the word. All the ads, even news stories focus on the upcoming event and the handwriting is in the general ledger. As stores push each other to open earlier and earlier, one can see the illogical progression that is bound to occur. Soon it will be BlackThursday, “bless this food, now lets hit the malls!” It won’t stop there, like the Iowa Caucuses, BlackFriday will be back, only it will be a week earlier, having run the gamut of BlackWednesday, BlackTuesday,... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A clean slate

Why a clean slate? After all, who uses slate anymore? Didn’t it go out of style just after cave walls and just before papyrus? Let’s return to those cave days to see why: Og: Ogette, come to cave, look at valentine cuneiforms me make for you, they on hall of cave, you know, hall marks when it be the very best! Ogette: Oh silly Og, me not fall for that, you just want chance to bang me over head with cartoon-like club then keep me barefoot and pregnant. Pregnant part would be new experience,... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

When I’m elected King

We’ll change Thanksgiving to before Halloween, maybe the same time as the brilliant Canadians do, that would leave more time between holidays so the Christmas rush isn’t so overwhelming. We’ll also make Thanksgiving on a Friday or Monday to have an official three day weekend. Or maybe make Friday after Turkey-Day an official holiday and have a 4-day weekend to make plans easier, come on, it’s not a religious holiday so why can’t we move it? Another benefit, all that left-over turkey would be... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Them old homeowners blues

The carpet cleaner is coming, the carpet cleaner is coming! Quick, hide all the furniture, dust every baseboard, vacuum the rug and give the cats a tranquilizer. I may have gotten something wrong, I can barely keep my eyes open and the cats are still riding the ceiling fan blades. Our cats seem to like the vacuum cleaner, or at best they are overly curious about it. They don’t go running for cover when the rug-sucker comes out of hiding at least. I run for cover, but my wife finds me anyway.... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

If I could

I would make the winter warm but still have snow. I would make self-shoveling sidewalks. Well, you could do that now, just tear up your old sidewalk/driveway, bury tubes that circulate heated water in the new concrete and hook them up to a heat source, preferably solar, and voila! But it’s probably cheaper to shovel. Until you slip on the ice, herniate a disc in your back and have to have back surgery, rehab and not be able to go back to work. Hmmm, now where is that jackhammer? Along those... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, November 11, 2011

My Friday face

Frantic Friday, is everything on the to-do list now on the already-done list? Where is the to-do list, hiding with my car keys? Friday, known to procrastinators everywhere as the day to shift this week’s projects to next week. Sure, they could be done if one rushes, but that is not in the nature of a good procrastination. Full-out panic is where we want to be, in class on the last day, five minutes to go, now is the time to start that thesis! Raking to be done, hoses to put away, sprinklers to... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Dear Mr. Answers one more time

Dear Mr. Answers – Every afternoon at work after lunch I get so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open and I’m afraid it’s going to affect my job performance rating. I hear there are some high-tech solutions out there but haven’t found them yet. Can you give me any help? Nod Ing Awf, any office, anywhere. Dear Nod – Glad to be of help. There’s a nap for that! He He. Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

News I wish I never knew, you know?

Kim Kardashian, what difference does it make to me how poorly she lives her life? Does she get paid for these escapades? If she does, then she gets paid for screwing up whereas the rest of us do not get paid for screwing up. If we did, it would change the whole work ethic thing. Does Katy Perry really wear a bra that shoots fireworks? Do they sell those at Victoria’s secret and do you have to have a pyrotechnician’s license before you even do up the clasp? And if you put it on inside-out, you... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Snow joke

The flakes start to fall, snow is on the way and the leaves have yet to finish. It’s enough to make one sick or at least want to call in sick so one can go out and rake/shovel in a vain attempt to keep ahead of the mess that will reveal itself in spring. I can advise you that it will be hard work and you will probably get overheated. In order to avoid the inevitable overheating, one can do this chore while wearing a thong. Wait, make that two thongs or you will end up rake/shoveling in a circle.... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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