Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, December 19, 2011

The second day of Christmas

All right, who thought of cross-breeding turtles with doves? First, turtles are notoriously shy, I mean its hard to get them to come out of their shells, you know? Then there are the doves, the universal sign of peace, not a piece of action for a turtle. While turtles are rather earthy, doves are quite flighty. Whoever hatched this match knew they both lay eggs but that’s about as far as I dare take it. Forget the pun about a turtle wax job. So if you had a turtledove, what would it look like?... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The how many days of Christmas?

Ok, we need more Christmas is what you’re telling us? After all, they break out the tree ornaments in most stores around, oh, maybe June or something. We have the 12 day tradition firmly established in song although no one really knows why this tradition is. I mean it’s hard enough to get gifts for one day, let alone twelve. A Partridge in a Pear tree. Which Partridge? Do they even do public appearances anymore? If it’s my pear tree, make it Laurie Partridge, Susan Dey just does something for me... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

The appliance repair guru

He was strange appearing, with his beard, turban and wearing a Sari. But his ad said he used enlightened techniques to fix household appliances. He thought the burner had an open circuit and would have to check it’s resistance. Ohm on the range, don’t you see! Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, December 12, 2011

A cold pun

In the winter we often find ourselves singing this song, “Gonna have to face it…we’re addicted to gloves!” Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Shiny new snow blower with slightly bent handles.

The beer stop took longer than I anticipated, but my attitude has improved greatly. The whole unloading farce seems just the tiniest bit funny to even me by now. Ok, time for the oil. I carefully check the label to make sure I have the recommended product, but all these seem to be fuzzy, bad printing no doubt. After double-checking the manual three times, I open the oil and begin pouring. Not wanting to overfill I keep checking the dipstick. I am impressed that a Briggs and Stratton would have a... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Shiny new Snow Blower - one more time

Snow removal, I have decided, is not a job suited for ancient technology such as snow shovels. What I need is a shiny new snow blower. A mighty snow throwing machine should make this arduous task something I would look forward to! So there it is in the back of my pickup glistening in the failing light of dusk and I am eager to unload it and get on with blowing some snow. It looks sorta heavy though. The neighbors have already gathered at their windows to watch this process. Somehow, my yard... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Waiting for winter - illustrated

This year, I am actually waiting for the snow to fall. Ok, not really, but you see, I do have a new toy I can’t wait to try out. Well, it’s not really a toy, it’s pretty damned serious. Yes, I have joined the ranks of those with power snow removal equipment. In the past, I made up a fanciful story about having a shiny new red snow blower and after the record snowfall last year, I decided it was time to make the dream come true. I figured the middle of summer would be the best time to get a good... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

A parenting moment

The little girl in the photo studio was waiting her turn. She was dressed in her seasonal best, a sort of fairy princess satin red dress, white stockings, black shoes and her hair done to perfection. I saw her pacing, I thought she was anxious to get this over with, then she stomped up to her dad and a moment that all parents know all too well transpired. “Daddy,” she said in a strident voice loud enough for all to hear, “I gotta go poop!” Maybe the parents hadn’t experienced this particular... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, December 2, 2011

The dawn of fire

We find our erstwhile cave men, Og & Zog on the brink of one of mankind’s most important discoveries, namely fire. Zog: Say Og, what that flamey thing on stick in your hand? Og: Me not know what to call flamey thing. First thing me thought of was “OW!” Zog: That name of lots of things! What flamey thing good for? Og: Good for cooking, mostly fingers so far but me sure to find something else to cook with it. One thing not good to cook, nose hairs! Zog: How you find it? Og: Thunder god fart on... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

It must have been a dream

There we were, sitting in our matching bath tubs in the hills above Hollywood. It should have been romantic but we were looking at the backside of those famous white letters and let me tell you, they are really crappy when viewed from behind. Not only does one see all the scab lumber, the sign reads DOOWYLLOH which frankly, did nothing for me. So I thought I would sneak a peek at my wife in her tub, after all, I’m allowed, aren’t I? I saw the Christmas present I bought her last year was... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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