Wednesday, March 8, 2006
"The Heart Knows What the Heart Knows"
I just read this line from the current Stephen King book, Cell, and I had to write a second addendum based on that quote: “The mind can calculate, but the spirit yearns and the heart knows what the heart knows.” I can break this into the three theses this contends about emotions, feelings and relationships. The mind can calculate: Mike has already said his heart isn’t as broad as mine. I think that means he can only love one woman at a time and his best friend has now got to be his wife. He made...
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Tuesday, March 7, 2006
Is Love an Addiction?
Addendum to yesterday's blog: Sadly, I think, after Mike started marriage counseling, he told me his obsession with the “What Ifs” was a sign that our love had been obsessive. It clouded his very life, this obsession he had with me. He said he had photoshopped our heads on to his family pictures or to my family pictures, thinking we shoulda or we coulda. If anyone wanted to twist the knife that had already been plunged into my heart when he told me he was going to stay with his marriage and I...
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Monday, March 6, 2006
"Plague of the What Ifs"
As Mike wrote his Magnum Opus” to me, he said it was cruising through his life in a way he’d never done before. He saw his life as a long and winding road. He wrote: “Looking back, I can’t help but wonder “what if?” What if I had decided to stick with engineering, which is what I originally thought I would study at KU? What if I hadn’t gotten financial aid with I was accepted to grad school in psychology? What is I hadn’t met ***** at that contra dance in Amherst in 1978? What if ***** had...
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Sunday, March 5, 2006
"Where Have You Been All My Life?"
I had received some on-line photographs from Mike, of his family, his wife, and himself. He hadn't changed much at all except for his hair length, which could be said of most people from our generation. His hair was not as thick, long, and wavy, but it was all there, plus he had kept his beard, which he started the first year of graduate school. It looked like now he was wearing the popular "goatee" style so many men sported lately. I wrote and thanked him for sending them because it made him...
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Saturday, March 4, 2006
"Not Just Hormones, But Something Else"
I was re-reading my old e-mail files between Mike and myself and really hadn’t realized how far we had come in about three e-mails. I’m going to concentrate on where our hearts were then and now. Right away, we knew where they were. I’m not sure what I said, I am missing the e-mail I had written, but I know that I had mentioned that I remembered we had been pretty hot in the past. He started the February 23rd reply: “Wow…now we’re talking. I’m so glad. As much as I would have enjoyed catching up...
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Thursday, March 2, 2006
Did Jay Ever Know About Mike? (back in the day)
Mike wanted some answers to two questions, three decades old. He asked if my husband, Jay, had ever known about him back in the day and then he wondered if he had ever had a chance. First question: Yes, Jay did know about Mike but he did not really KNOW about Mike and Carole as a "couple" back in the day. Jay said he had always suspected there was more between us than I had ever let on. He had especially suspected something had gone on when we went off on those two weekender canoe trips. One...
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Wednesday, March 1, 2006
"How Good Your Body Felt..."
By March 7, 2005, we were getting more detailed AND more intimate in our e-mails to each other. Pretty soon unrequited wouldn't hold back the lust we were building up in 2005 via cyberspace. I sent him pictures of myself as he would have remembered me then... sexy pictures. Mike Wrote: There is a part of an old Jackson Browne song (one of my favorites of all time) that goes: I was looking through some photographs I found inside a drawer I was taken by a photograph of you There were one or two I...
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Tuesday, February 28, 2006
"An Unrequited Love"
Now that most of the background information about my life has been so laboriously and meticulously recounted here in Blogitville, and my angst tediously recorded from being a “rejected other woman,” I am anxious to tell what happened to me one year ago and how I was bitten with the love bug juice of a long lost, more than just a friend, kind of fellow. I will start from the beginning. This is my story. This was my love. I was facing surgery for breast cancer. In the wee hours of the morning a...
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Monday, February 27, 2006
It Was More Than Just Sex
Mike and I had an ongoing discussion about his mother saying God helped her be on time to the church where she was setting up for a wedding. She had asked for help getting there on time and all the lights had been green. She made it with just enough time to look like she hadn't hurried! He thought this was a ridiculous concept. He felt God had more important things to do. It will come up in the following e-mail conversation we had: March 2005 (Cee) But you see, it’s important to you to ask God...
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"Becoming the Light"
Spirituality was a topic Mike was hungriest to talk about. It was a topic I had never really discussed to the depths he was asking about. It had always been such a personal, almost private relationship. I was finding that this discussion of God, especially with someone who questioned whether or not God heard us at all, a challenge! He DID challenge where I was coming from. I needed to become a light so he could find his way. Much of our correspondence dealt with spirituality. I kept telling him...
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