Oh no you didn't!

By Annicita - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, September 23, 2013

A guide to Drinking

A solution to all of your drinking troubles Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until... Sign in to see full entry.

Have you seen these bumper stickers?

My karma ran over your dogma. I brake for... wait... AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!! A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. I'm not driving fast-just flying low. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. "I is a college... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Poetic answering machine message

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep. Sign in to see full entry.

Texan shares wisdom

Never squat with yer spurs on. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog... Sign in to see full entry.

Nothing like a compassionate boss!

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came... Sign in to see full entry.

Fishermen have their own vocab!

"Hiyamac" "Lobuddy" "Binearlong?" "Coplours" "Cetchenny?" "Goddafew" "Kindarthay?" "Bassencarp" "Ennysizetoom?" "Couplapowns" "Hittinhard?" "Sordalike" "Wachoosen?" "Gobbawurms" "Fishanonaboddum?" "Rydononaboddum" "Whatchadrinkin?" "Jugajimbeam" "Igoddago" "Tubad" "Seeyaroun" "Yeahtakideezy"... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Dog Do Not Do List

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks 1. [xxx] is not food. Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from... Sign in to see full entry.

Can you follow directions?

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, September 20, 2013

The answering machine

John: Brad, will you get the phone? Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can't! I'm playing Omega! John: Ambar, will you get the phone? Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (Sound of slamming door.) John: Aimee, will you get the phone? Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can't! I'm in... Sign in to see full entry.

He can't play!

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take... Sign in to see full entry.