Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Thursday, April 9, 2009

April showers.

Spring is in the air, the nip of winter still present in the morning makes me wonder how the lawn could possibly need to be watered already. I glance across the street only to observe my neighbor (the Boy Scout troop master) looking at his lawn, a perfectly manicured carpet of deep velvety green. He is also watering his lawn even though he is standing in his living room looking out his bay window with the flower box in front. Yes, he is one of those despicable people who care enough about how... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Business names that just don’t work

The child actress that starred in ET is all grown up now. Yes, Drew is quite the young woman and interested in expanding her financial enterprises. She saw that the mortuary business is one with a constant demand. However when they hung the sign on her first establishment, it was obvious this wasn’t going to work. You can’t have a mortuary business called “Barrymore Funeral Parlor.” Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Re-programming

The dreaded learning curve. We are in the midst of a bathroom re-model so to make things “easier” I have put some programs on my computer that will allow me to draw up plans, add details such as wall colors, utility placements and such, then view them in 3-D to see what it should look like. The only trouble is, I can only make a straight line so far and that looks pretty much the same in 3-D as it does in no-D. The way I have it figured, the contractor will draw plans on the back of cocktail... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Do the wrong thing

Eat healthy, drink responsibly, drive safely, these are all things we know we should do. I have had to turn into a label reader lately due to borderline cholesterol and high blood pressure. I try to eat as healthy as I can but some times nothing can take the place of a good old greasy, cheese dripping hamburger and a cardboard sleeve of potatoes fried in God knows what. Even though I can feel the food later, sitting there in my stomach like a rock and I know that’s not good, the comfort factor,... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Spinning wheel, got to go ‘round…

A line from a ‘70s song or my life, I don’t know which. It all starts with “the contractor is coming to re-model our bathrooms.” While he is here, I want to put new storage shelves in the garage. That means I have to move the temporary shelves and all the stuff on them so he can put in my new shelves. Only, where do I put the stuff that is on the shelves because I don’t have any other place to put it? I can’t put it on the floor, the cats will mark it and you know what that means. If I put in... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Planetary musings

News from Uranus! Poor Uranus, punch line of many an astronomical joke, at least it didn’t suffer the fate of Pluto being reduced to a “Plutoid.” Of course, all on Uranus ~Heh, Heh~ is not safe. International Planetary Meeting. We find the H ead P lanetary D ude calling the meeting to order. HPD: All right, this year we take up the serious problem of the planet with the not-so-serious name. P lanetary S cientist 1: Hey, is it that planet that looks like your anus? Gathered Throng: HAR, HAR!!!... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Old School

What does that mean, really? Let’s see, a school that’s old? No, they tear them down every ten years any more. What’s more confusing is there is no saying such as, “I’m going new school on you dude!” Not only that, old school usually really isn’t all that old. There is a recent TV ad for the venerable land line telephone where the young kid says about his phone with the cord hooked to the wall, “I’m going old school on you dude!” Now as most of us of any age at all know, really old school would... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Rock groups and albums someone needs to make

Black Box, by the Air Crash Survivors. Really, shouldn’t rock groups have names that imply chaos? What would the songs be like? How about, “Have you seen the suds on the Hudson?” followed by the B side, “Upright and locked” and the unforgettable, “ballad for Sully.” If you like that, then you will surely love Velvet Straightjacket with their new release Head like a blender full of teddy bears. The number on one single would have to be “An eye for an aye.” A real group you need to be familiar... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

AIG

What does it all mean? Maybe, if you take the hubris of the recipients of the bonuses (bonii?) it means “Ain’t I Great!” And what of the government who gave the money so they could pay the bonii, does that make Paulson the boner doner? Never mind the double entendre, its more like a multi-million intentionally if you ask me, and I know you did. Do the folks at AIG (All Is Good) even have a clue why the rest of us are pissed? Of course not, they are filling their swimming pools with champagne and... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Spam? BLAM!

Its time to check out the old spambox again. Who are these people sending this stuff? AIG employees looking for yet another way into my bank account? It could very well be. Look at these names! Ykicyt Costello writes, Answer to your request. Well Ykicyt, I would certainly remember had I sent you a request. Maybe you need to hook up with Gjveemuy rixy who tells me I have a credit card error. Oh really? And why do I suspect if I answer your e-mail and provide my credit card number, just to make... Sign in to see full entry.

May 2025
S	M	T	W	T	F	S
27	28	29	30	1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30	31
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
Apr \| Newest \| Jun

About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

People

Headlines (What is this?)