Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The how many days of Christmas? Part 11

Above all the racket there came a knock on the door. I was afraid to open it, but one of the Lords leapt up and swung the door wide. There they were, eleven pipers piping. You may be picturing guys with pan flutes, piccolos and the like but no, they were accompanied by the skirling of bagpipes! Not only that, they were doing a rousing rendition of “beer barrel polka” which only served to antagonize the gathered throngs who took the song to heart and quickly turned the occasion into a very late... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, December 23, 2011

The how many days of Christmas: Part, er well, you'll see.

Idiot admits serious error in spurious spoof! Yes, I had not done my research and so I have nine Lords-a-leaping when it should have been nine ladies dancing. Pardon my faux pas and pas de deux. All you have to do is imagine that on the 10 th day, your true love sent to you 10 Lords-a leaping, transpose that with the previous day, don’t forget to carry the one and it all works out. So now I will tell the story of 9 ladies dancing. Ok, that was fine at first but they came with their own grunge... Sign in to see full entry.

The how many days of Christmas: Part 9

Nine frigging Lords a leaping? Pandemonium reigns supreme as they mostly try to jump the milking maids. They claim to be trying out for the Olympics, specializing in the pole vault and high jump. Mostly they sit around smoking dope, then every time they hear a Police siren, they jump. Not only that, since they are Lords they demand service fit for royalty but really they are just a royal pain and are giving me fits. I am getting mighty tired of “I say old chap, this Perrier tastes ever so stale,... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

The how many days of Christmas – part 8

Today it was eight maids-a-milking. At first I was pretty excited about the eight maids all decked out in their almost French maid milking outfits. Then they brought in their cows, stools, buckets and scoop shovels. After all, how can they be a-milking unless they have cows to “a-milk”? And if one has cows, one needs the proper cow maintenance equipment. The only thing they didn’t bring was a barn. There is one thing about cows most people don’t know. When you milk a cow, there is some... Sign in to see full entry.

The how many days of Christmas; Part seven.

The seventh day, and the theme is most fowl yet again, I’m beginning to suspect a plot. Yes, seven swans a-swimming. I am going to have to put in a pool now because swimming swans have to swim, don’t they? For now I have a bathtub fill of swans, you could knock me over with a feather. In fact this morning they did, it tickled but I wasn’t. Swan chow isn’t cheap either. They also gang up on all the other birds I seem to have accumulated and the noise is deafening. On top of that, the swans are... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Goosed at Christmas: day six.

Six geese a-laying. That’s what my true love sent to me. But they’re not producing any eggs, they are just laying around watching soap operas on television. Couchus potatous Geesius is their genus and species I would guess. At least if they were laying eggs I could reasonably expect a golden one every now and then but no, they are transfixed by One Life to Live. They are about to be The Edge Of Dinner and when I tell them to “stuff it” they should take me literally. These geese remind me more of... Sign in to see full entry.

You know this one by heart

Five golden rings! Let’s see now, ye olde shopping liste says upon the fifth day of Christmas, I shall bestow upon my one true love, 5 golden rings. Oh come on now, isn’t that a little overkill? Let’s see, with five rings how could she possibly use them all? Well, I suppose she could wear one on one digit of each appendage, but that only requires four. Oh! I know, the fifth is the one she puts in my nose to lead me around. That makes sense. By this time your house is knee deep in bird poop and... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The how many days of Christmas? Part 4

The fourth day of Holiday Season and my true love has bestowed upon me four calling birds. Four calling birds? Calling whom? Do they have a family plan or something? Doesn’t that mean four British girls (birds) talking on their cell phones? Do tell! Four girls might be most men’s dreams, but think real hard for a moment. It is hard enough to get a word in edgewise with just one woman, much less four. Perhaps her idea was to show me she isn’t so bad after all. Maybe these calling birds are... Sign in to see full entry.

The third day of Christmas

These first days seem to have an avian theme going for them. Now we have to add to our collection of fine-feathered friends, three French Hens. You can always tell a French Hen, they will spit in your general direction while taking a drag off of a smelly cigarette next to an open sewer while drinking an overpriced wine. The beret is another tip off along with them constantly imitating Marcel Marceau imitating a chicken. Three French Hens are just enough to form a chorus line and do a lively... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Boy, have I got a Haddock!

I went to the doctor and complained I had a terrible Haddock. He said that sounded fishy. He suggested I go to Aspen and call him in the morning. While I was there, I decided to do some skiing, it went downhill after that. They said it was easier to take the chair lift to the top, but I knew they were just trying to take me for a ride. I was warned not to eat yellow snow, so I said in my best John Wayne impression, “I aint gonna eat any scardey cat snow!” It was such a bad impression, no one was... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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