Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Ireland and snakes

I don’t blame the Irish for not liking snakes, they’re a wee bit o wiggly. I know they are not slimy, but is scaly any better, really? Then there is the matter of that forked tongue, one thing they share with politicians. Maybe some folk on the Emerald Isle are wanting to trade politicians for snakes right about now. Too bad Saint Patrick is retired and all. I talked to a lady today who is from Europe and it seems they don’t get into Saint Patrick’s as much as we in the U.S. do. Maybe they don’t... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:37 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, March 16, 2012

More questions

Why do we eat ice cream but never ice yogurt? Try going into a frozen yogurt place and ordering frozen cream. One lump or two? Is there such a thing as South American cheese? If a cook on a submarine makes French fries, wouldn’t they be deep, deep fried? Did you hear the Navy wants to let the bank take back their submarines, it seems they’re all underwater. Imagine someone’s surprise when they go to get a bikini wax and find out the bikini isn’t what is going to get waxed at all. Be careful... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:35 AM | add or view comments (7) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, March 15, 2012

A few naked truths, sort of

Denude, when we remove trees from a hillside, we denude it, but when we take off our clothes, we don’t denaked ourselves. Wouldn’t denude really be to put the trees back on a bare hill side? That is reforestation, but when we put our clothes on in the morning, we don’t reclothe. When we tie our shoelaces, aren’t we really tying the two ends of just one lace? It’s knot funny. We commonly wear shorts but never longs. Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:18 AM | add or view comments (5) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, March 12, 2012

Is this a joke?

I certainly hope so or else I have missed my mark. Is life a joke? It seems so a lot of the time and we are the hapless punch-lines walking from situation to situation in search of comedy. As I have done before, I will now attempt to construct a joke on the fly: A man walks into a bar. The giraffe tending bar asks him what his preference in drinks is. The man says, “don’t talk down to me.” A pterodactyl sidles up next to him and asks, “buy me a drink, sailor?” He remembers her from a previous... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:23 AM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Life is like an Ozzy Osborne song

You may think you understand it but really, you haven’t a clue. Riding on the Braille of a crazy brain. The buttons on ATMs have Braille patterns on them but how do the blind know where the ATMs are? I don’t see any Braille things on the sidewalk. And now for something completely true. My mother’s neighbor came over and asked if my brother-in-law could give her a jump start on her car. He is driving a brand new vehicle and didn’t want to risk damaging the electrical system so he politely said... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:48 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, March 9, 2012

Shakespeare said it!

Damn those infinite monkeys, now what am I going to do, flip burgers? Whether it is nobler to bear the outrageous slings and arrows of misfortune or ask, “want fries with that?” Alas, poor Youric, who knew he was bulimic? Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo and will you respect me in the morning? Fair Juliet, throw down your long hair! Romeo, you’ve confused me with Rapunzel again, that conniving something that rhymes with witch! Fore score and seven years ago, what wretched dreams have we... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:57 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

One for e-bay

I found a picture of George Washington that looks like a chicken nugget! Should I put it up as a “buy it now” or an “eat it now”? That got me thinking, what else in the kitchen might I find that I could make a joke about? Well, I found a nut that looks like Ron Paul and a dollar bill that bears about a billionth resemblance to Mitt Romney. I really did find (and unlike another certain columnist, I am not making this up) an original Atari Pong game. They sell on e-bay these days for around $100,... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:53 AM | add or view comments (8) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Another crazy dream

I saw Bob Dylan and asked him what time it was, he said it was a-changin’. Somehow I knew he might say that. Paul McCartney asked me if I had a smoke, I told him I gave it up for Lent. He said he tried lint once but is was harsh, man. I want to visit Alanis Morissette but she was running around naked in her living room, awkward I’ll admit but that's not all bad. By the looks of Puff Daddy and Dee Snyder’s eyes, I’d say they were smokin’ in the boys room. Johnny Cash was working security and made... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:38 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Canadian Viagra Anyone?

Gives you quite the woodie eh? Now really, what can the folks north of the border do for your member south of your belt? Is their pill a little bluer or maybe sacre bleu n’ecest pas? We know from history the Canadians are fond of their beaver so it could just follow they are the leaders in beaver accessories if you catch my drift. Maybe they have a catchy jingle that goes something like this: From Saskatchewan to Ottawa Canadian Viagra Will make her drop her jaw! Those clever Kanucks, now we... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 5:59 PM | add or view comments (6) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, February 26, 2012

R& D at the Quarry

This time we find Og and Zog in the research and development lab of Rocksteady Industries. Zog is proud of his latest invention, we join them now… Zog: Og, come look this really cool. Og: Well most rock is cool, what is? Zog: Two rocks with hole in, put small tree through holes, top one swing back and forth, neat huh? Og: Well, it not raise my loincloth but me trying to think of practical application. Zog: Put this on big rock in front of cave, make it easier to go in and out. Og: Maybe you have... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 1:23 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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