The Ciel Show

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Thursday, February 18, 2010

MRI

MRI results are in... apparently everything is where and as it is supposed to be... Happy to report no alien appliances anywhere in sight. Worries as they so often do, lead to anticlimactic sense of good news. Funny how that works... the anticlimax is, of course, an illusion: that the news is good, is in fact good news. Thanks to you all who gave support when a happy outcome was not so certain! Apparently all your blessings and good vibes cured the tumah, evaporated the alien implant, and healed... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

More on Complex PTSD

Since writing about PTSD last week, and more specifically, about C-PTSD, I have done some further reading. I had only just discovered in researching for that post, the description of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. and saw it was relevant and more specific to my own life. Today I found this article by Pete Walker which gives the most complete and coherent picture yet: http://www.pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm It is not a short piece, but it is worth giving some time.... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Strange science

It is a narrow lie-down hardly to be called any sort of bed... about as accomodating as the standard airline seat. It includes pillow, and blanket, upon request, and though there is no in-flight refreshment, it is a short hop from start to finish. Maybe 30 minutes. They encourage you in many ways to remain very very still... "be a tree..." and give you earplugs. A helm-like mask comes over your head, and if you are at all claustrophobic, this is when you begin to consider doing this another... Sign in to see full entry.

Off to get my head examined... After some months of odd moments of loss of balance, and occasional experiencing of that kind of muted roaring one gets standing up too fast, or just before fainting--but in this case, just walking around, and for longer than the usual passing moment... And sudden sharp headaches on one side, at sudden inconvenient moments... Today I go in for an MRI, which will probably determine there is nothing wrong, nothing to get excited about, just get a proper shoulder-rub... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Being Human... in spite of it all...

Recently the topic PTSD came up. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder-- a disorder with profound emotional and physiological implications that affects individuals who have experienced sudden or prolonged trauma--is most associated with victims of disaster, general or personal. "Trauma" generally is understood to be a sudden, pivotal event, but it can also be a persistant and long-term experience of helplessness in the face of imminent threat of death or serious injury. It is about perception,... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Confrontation finally with Guitar Guy

I finally admitted Guitar Guy to my life again last night. He came by in the evening, picked up a piece of his mail that I left magnetted to the door, and was leaving when I spotted him and opened the door. For a month now he has been entirely persona non grata here since his escapade while I was away. I have not picked up the phone when he calls, have left the matter untouched. Why? What he did was a huge breach of boundaries and of trust, and had he been anyone, any stranger, that would have... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, January 29, 2010

family history revelations

I received a note from a cousin today. Her mom, my mother's sister, died last summer. This letter contains a write up of my aunt's reminiscences about their childhoods, things I have never heard before. Our family tree is one of the crazy ones, with many unexpected branches and little that moves in straight lines. Many who have read here a while know my mother died when I was 3; I spent the next three years living with her parents, at which point my grandmother died, and I went to live again... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

a rant... a low-energy morning...

My dad never did get what feelings are, what they mean to other people. He didn't ever understand why my mom would tear up and even cry over movies. I once had a man in my life who thought that the only pain that matters must involve physical symptoms. If you aren't bleeding, don't bother him with it, it isn't real and can't possibly matter. Another, a friend, who received very well indeed, as much as I had to offer, and when I needed him for anything at all that was not about where he was going... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Update: Guitar Guy

Glancing back over the last pages, which, like life, are full of unfinished stories, there are some updates due... First one back that is possibly of interest is Guitar Guy. I knew there had to be consequences for his huge breech of my trust and boundaries, his rewriting of the basic rules understood between us. I also knew that to rage at him, to express my anger angrily would not be productive in any long-term sense. As it has happened, the consequences have decided themselves: It is now three... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A dream of love and goodbyes...

I woke this morning, crying. This is the dream I woke from: Jean Luc Picard was saying goodbye to his lover, kissing her very tenderly... deeply passionate but not sexual... Her husband appears in the moment between them, and he is jealous and angry but quiet and full of resentful dignity and sadness... JL looks at him with great sympathy, and when he kisses her again, the husband brings his face next to hers, and JL kisses him, too, showing him the kind of kiss he gives his lover... to help him... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

I'm doubtful the events of my life will be of great general interest, but I'd like to share a little more of me to the several of you on Blogit I've come to feel are real friends, and the many I imagine are potentially real friends. We'll see how it works out. ______________________ all my words and images posted on Blogit are copyright 2005-present, all rights reserved.

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