Saturday, July 5, 2008
More unreality TV
Medical dramas, the fire and brimstone of the hard working dedicated doctors and nurses spills onto the small screen with all the fury of a used car ad. Somehow, my medical experiences never match what I see on the tube. For instance on TV it is common to see a scene like this; set in a modern hospital, we see the patient wheeled in on a gurney accompanied by a flurry of medical personnel. Head Dr: We have an emergency - people, get me incubators, blood tests, X-rays, Y-rays, temporal lobe...
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Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Why did the fish cross the road?
He obviously thought he was a chicken. In reality he was a sturgeon, high ranking in the fish world, he was the Sturgeon General. We had fish for pets for a while but they never survived playing catch the Frisbee. Maybe they didn’t like those little leashes I got for them, genuine eelskin, probably not cool in the fish world. They also liked to party all day while we were at work. How do I know that? You should see this one coming by now, why they were always tanked, that’s how I know. Cats...
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Saturday, June 28, 2008
Is the world spinning or am I just dizzy?
The wind blows and so do fans. Some sports fans more than others, blowhards that is. Big Brown promises to take horse racing’s Triple Crown, then comes up dead last, which is better than being just dead I guess. Which makes me wonder, if it’s true they sell old horses to the glue factory, do they use old race horses to make fast-drying glue? Just think about it. Ok, now stop thinking about it. Today my mind is drifting, like a dandelion seed on the wind, so beer with me. But make it a light...
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Friday, June 27, 2008
Spaced out news
After millions of dollars and millions of miles (ok, maybe billions on both counts) the Mars explorers are on the surface and hard at work. So far, one has dug a hole and encountered a white substance. Since Whitney Houston is still on Earth, it was speculated that the stuff was ice and if it was, it would disappear from the hole over time. Sure enough, the ice was gone later on. It had sublimated or gone directly to a vapor state, sort of like the U.S. economy, overnight. I don’t know about...
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Thursday, June 26, 2008
Endless summer, the reality version.
Two guys set off on a quest to surf year round in “The Endless Summer” a movie some of us may remember from yesteryear. I’m here to tell you the real version of “the endless summer” and it ain’t purty. It starts like this, mow the lawn, water the lawn, mow the lawn, water the lawn, rains make mowing impossible for two weeks, mow the lawn, lawn turns brown from being cut too much, water the lawn, fertilize the lawn, mow the lawn like crazy, lawn turns brown from too much fertilizer, water the...
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Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Things you didn’t know you wanted to know.
An avian version of Smokey and the Bandit is rumored to be in the works. A spokesman for Crapload Productions said they finally found what they were looking for as the driver of the Trans Am in rising star, Bird Reynolds, but Crapload News entertainment division feels he will just be winging it! Goodnight Holy Wood!
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Thursday, June 19, 2008
Them ol’ summertime blues
Summertime, and the livin’ is easy, or so the song goes. Ok, I don’t know where the author lived(s) but summer and easy aren’t two things that go together, unless you’re dating Paris Hilton in August. Heh, heh. Before you can string up that hammock in the back yard and flop down with a tall glass of lemonade, there are things that need to be done. First, one must mow the yard just to be able to find those two trees upon which to hang the aforementioned hammock. Then, of course, the trees must be...
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Sunday, June 15, 2008
Don’t bother me, I’m multi-tasking!
Men have been accused of only being able to do one thing at a time. Not true. Take me for instance, I can sit in a chair (1) watch TV (2) drink a beer (3) talk on the phone with my brother (4) discuss whether Jr. should have only taken 2 tires on that last pit stop (4) madly flip through channels during the commercials (5) and lastly, but certainly not least, scratch my “private area” (6). Of course all this tires me out so I have to revert to that one mono task men do so well, take a nap (1)....
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Thursday, June 12, 2008
Trying to keep abreast of the times.
I have a breast, two in fact, but I keep them hidden under my shirt, which is why its called an undershirt, doncha know. Old man breasts scare and confuse children, or so I’ve heard. Mine aren’t pouty, just fuzzy. Wow it’s sure hard to stay relevant these days. I could just ask the age old question, “what are those big things on each side of Dumbo’s head?” but that would be irrelevant. Give it a few minutes, you’ll be banging your head on the keyboard for sure. Another thing for sure, my keys...
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Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Woman marries Eiffel Tower…
Honeymoons in Paris! Ya think? A 37 year old named Erika La Tour Eiffel (now) has an unusual condition called Objectum-Sexuality or a severe fetish for inanimate objects. What I want to know is, who gave away the groom? Only in France could the groom remain erect through the whole ceremony. Did they consummate the marriage? STOP THAT! I’m sorry, I can’t help it, the whole thing is too ludicrous not to be real. I keep having thoughts like, “hey, if she’s pregnant, will she give birth to an...
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