Oh no you didn't!

Saturday, October 25, 2014

oopsie!

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down... Sign in to see full entry.

smart man

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said: "Call for backup." Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 24, 2014

paint me

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm... Sign in to see full entry.

P.E.

Sign on company bulleting board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.” Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

groaner alert

When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they'd like to, but didn't want to make spectacles of themselves. Sign in to see full entry.

911

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats don’t hurt... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

groaner alert

Years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things: 1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Nothing. Not a single note for page after page; 2. There used to be... Sign in to see full entry.

musicians

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 20, 2014

programmers

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. That's a hardware issue. Sign in to see full entry.

birthing

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he... Sign in to see full entry.

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