Pages of The Damned

Monday, October 10, 2005

New Orleans Returns to Normal: Police Beat Crap Out of 64 Year-Old Drunk

NEW ORLEANS, La. – The civic spirit that long held New Orleans atop the rankings of Skuzziest Places to Live in America returned to the Big Easy this weekend as police officers kicked the living shit out of an old drunken Negro. 64 year-old Robert Davis was loitering outside a bar in the cesspool... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

God Calls on Pat Robertson to Kill Pat Robertson

In the wake of Pat Robertson’s appeal for the Bush administration to “take out” Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, God has voiced a plea to Pat Robertson to kill Pat Robertson. “That’s it,” said the Almighty to Robertson during taping of Robertson’s The 700 Club. “I know I’m all-forgiving and all,... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Demi Calls Ashton “Soul Mate”, Ashton Calls Demi “Mommy”

Actress Demi Moore, suffering from a celebrity strain of Chronic Boytoyitis, says that actor Ashton Kutcher of “That 70’s Show” is her true love and soul mate. Moore, 42, and Kutcher, 27, have been inseparable since meeting two years ago. The couple recently moved into a new home in Hollywood Hills... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Brad Pitt Hospitalized, Millions of Women Sympathy Puke

LOS ANGELES, Ca – Millions of women worldwide, learning that actor Brad Pitt checked himself into a Los Angeles area hospital Monday night complaining of flu-like symptoms, came down with what analyst are describing as “sympathy symptoms” for the 41 year-old star of Mr. & Mrs. Smith and a bunch of... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, July 5, 2005

Lance Armstrong: All-American or Truffle-Eating Frenchman?

CHALLANS, France - The 2005 Tour de Country Full of Jellyfish began Saturday with the US's Lance Armstrong, 6-time winner of the event, making a bid for an unprecedented 7th victory to carry him into cycling retirement. I've been in this God-forsaken Land of Endless Offenses for a week now, and it's... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Tom Cruise Surpasses Parading Queers as Most Ridiculous Spectacle on Earth

LOS ANGELES, Ca – Despite competition from anemic, pasty-white men dressed in day-glow latex hot pants and yellow platform lumberjack boots, Tom Cruise surpassed the entire world population of parading homos on Sunday as the Most Ridiculous Human Spectacle on Earth. Cruise, who recently won the... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I Want to Pork a Hilton

Demonstrating grace and an inexorable allure that can only be achieved through practiced decorum, etiquette and an eighty-bajillion dollar bank account, Kathy Hilton, stiffly-coiffed Matron Babe and mother of heiresses Paris, premiered last night on NBC’s newest reality show, I Want to Be a Hilton.... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, June 7, 2005

Paris Shoots for 2012 Olympics, Forms Olympic Pant-Wetting Team

PARIS – Paris officials pulled out all the stops Sunday in a bid to host the 2012 Olympics, with hundreds of frenzied workers erecting exhibits for various venues intended to highlight French mastery of such sports as Invading Country Appeasement, Spineless Back-Stabbing and Smelling Really Bad.... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Deep Throat Exposed, Porn Star Totally Grossed Out

WASHINGTON – The identity of “Deep Throat”, legendary star of the 1972 movie that forever changed the stature of pornography in American culture, was revealed in a national magazine on Tuesday. W. Mark Felt Sr., 91, was the No. 2 man at the FBI during the turbulent Watergate era of the 1970’s.... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

World, Tighty-Whitey Pansies Condemn Beefcake Saddam Pic

BAGHDAD – World reaction to a photograph of former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein clad only in his underpants reached a fevered pitch this week, prompting the United Nations to call for a full investigation into the horrific incident. The photo, published front-page last week in Britain ’s The Sun... Sign in to see full entry.

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