Pages of The Damned

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

New 450 Year-Old Information Raises National Security Level

Director of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge, announced today that the security level for the entire United States will be elevated to “Magenta” on November 1, just one day before Election Day. Ridge, defending his position that seemingly outdated information is useful in the war on terror, has decided... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 4:51 AM Damned Comments (16) (permalink)

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Democratic Convention Opens with All Star Girly-Man Revue

BOSTON, Ma. - In preparation of the nomination of John Kerry as the party’s presidential candidate, the 2004 Democratic Convention kicked off a week of gala activities Monday with a blockbuster Girly-Man Revue at Boston ’s Fleet Center. Headlining the opening were former presidents Bill Clinton and... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 10:29 AM Damned Comments (11) (permalink)

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Linda Ronstadt Mistaken for Michael Moore; Riot at All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

Singer Linda Ronstadt was heaved out of Las Vegas ’s Aladdin casino over the weekend shortly after praising the movie “Fahrenheit 9/11. Aladdin personnel believe that Ronstadt, who’s gained considerable weight in the past decade, was mistaken for the immensely fat filmmaker Michael Moore in the... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 10:39 AM Damned Comments (8) (permalink)

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Fear & Loathing in Colorado: Happy Birthday, Hunter S. Thompson

“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.” Happy 67th birthday to the father of Gonzo Journalism, Dr. Hunter S. Thompson “Never apologize, never explain.” Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 7:03 PM Damned Comments (9) (permalink)

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Courtney Love Enters NY Hospital, Rushed Immediately to Morgue

NEW YORK - Courtney Love was admitted to New York ’s Bellevue Hospital on Friday, and immediately placed on a stretcher and wheeled to the facilities’ morgue after an admitting nurse fainted from terror. Several other hospital workers were treated for anxiety and panic-related complaints. On Friday,... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 6:01 PM Damned Comments (8) (permalink)

Tuesday, July 6, 2004

KERRY SCORES WITH EDWARDS: "He's attractive, he's hot, and I wanted him."

John Kerry ended speculation about his vice-presidential running mate on Tuesday by choosing whom he described as, “the most attractive and desirable candidate, bar none.” With a vast field of Democrat dynamos to choose from – the smooth fascination of Rep. Dick Gephardt, the rock-hard radiance of... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 2:41 PM Damned Comments (23) (permalink)

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

PENTAGON CALLS ON EX-SOLDIERS & DRAFT; KERRY AND CLINTON SPRING TO ACTION

Amid reports that the Army is recalling over 5,000 former soldiers, as well as considering reinstating the draft, presidential candidate John Kerry and former president Bill Clinton have wasted no time in responding to the news. Despite not qualifying as “having recently left the service and having... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 5:48 AM Damned Comments (5) (permalink)

Thursday, June 24, 2004

MATERIAL GIRL CHANGES NAME, ANNOUNCES ‘LIKE A SHIKSA’ TOUR

Madonna, the Queen of Pop and self-image makeovers, is apparently tired of misconceptions that breast-bondage, coffee-table erotica and televised same-sex spit-swapping with post-adolescent imbeciles don’t truly reflect her biblically mystical soul, and has adopted the Hebrew name of ‘Esther’. “I... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 11:54 AM Damned Comments (11) (permalink)

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Clinton: "My Inner Fat Child Drove Me to Blowjobs", Fat Kids Find New Hope.

Former President Bill Clinton’s autobiography, a volume as overweight as he himself claims he was as a child in Arkansas, went on sale Tuesday amid a wave of publicity as powerful as an Oval Office hum-job. The imaginatively titled, 957-page tome “My Life”, chronicles the former Executive... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 6:58 AM Damned Comments (7) (permalink)

Tuesday, June 8, 2004

Elimination of Eminem's Ass Earns Nobel Prize for MTV

STOCKHOLM, Sweden – MTV, beleaguered ever since Janet Jackson’s breast-baring performance during this year’s Superbowl, was awarded the Nobel Prize for Humanity this week following it’s decision to edit out a shot of black-wannabe rapper Eminem dropping his pants and mooning the audience at the 2004... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 3:27 PM Damned Comments (15) (permalink)