Pages of The Damned

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Woman Finds Dick Cheney in Bowl of Wendy’s Chili

SAN JOSE, Ca. – A 39 year-old woman claims she bit into the head of Vice-President Dick Cheney in a bowl of Wendy’s chili on Monday, sparking a series of apologies by the fast-food chain and forcing the evacuation of the White House and other key government buildings in Washington, DC. The woman,... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 2:58 PM Damned Comments (29) (permalink)

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Prince Harry Enters British Army, Invades France, Brother Still Gay

LONDON, England – Prince Harry, third in line to the British throne and stepson of butt-ugly Camilla Parker Bowles, has begun army officer training at the elite Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst. Harry and his father, Prince Charles, arrived at the Old College training center west of London on... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 2:50 PM Damned Comments (38) (permalink)

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

Runaway Bride Abducted by Aliens. Really. We mean it.

DULUTH, Ga. – Wedding-dodger and reluctant bride-to-be Jennifer Wilbanks returned home to Georgia after surfacing in New Mexico and announcing her phony kidnapping was “just a way to relieve a little pre-wedding stress”. The 32 year-old woman, missing since the previous Tuesday, turned up on a... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 4:30 AM Damned Comments (47) (permalink)

Friday, April 29, 2005

Macaulay Culkin, Other Has-Been Child Stars to Testify at Jackson Trial

SANTA MARIA, Cal. -- Former child movie star Macaulay Culkin and other washed-up adolescent actors will testify in behalf of Michael Jackson at the pop-icon’s child molestation trial, according to has-been child star analysts. Several former Jackson employees claim that the pop star touched Culkin... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 5:29 AM Damned Comments (32) (permalink)

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Catholic Conclave May Elect Communist Pope

115 Roman Catholic cardinals from 52 countries, meeting inside the Vatican ’s Sistine Chapel in a historic papal conclave, appear to be considering a radical change for the papacy. While early speculation has focused on Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany, many papal prognosticators are now... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 7:20 AM Damned Comments (40) (permalink)

Friday, March 4, 2005

W. Virginia Boys May Sue State for Being Abused by Total Skank Teacher

More teenage boys have been molested by a female school teacher, and this time the crime is truly heinous; instead of the usual, cheerleader-like, twenty-something bimbette that's been the norm for these events recently, this teacher is a 37 year-old, five-foot two, two-hundred pound West Virginia... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 3:11 PM Damned Comments (38) (permalink)

Monday, February 21, 2005

Hunter Stockton Thompson: 1937-2005 ~ Mahalo

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." ~ Hunter S. Thompson Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, father of Gonzo Journalism, died Sunday night after fatally shooting himself at his fortified compound in Woody Creek, Colorado. Thompson was the author... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 10:43 AM Damned Comments (21) (permalink)

Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Head of Broccoli Beats Elmer Fudd as Dan Rather Replacement

CBS News announced late last week that the search for a replacement for outgoing CBS Evening News front man Dan Rather was over. Rather will be replaced as anchor and managing editor of the nightly network newscast by a head of broccoli, beginning in March of 2005. Rather, 73, has been the center of... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 1:28 PM Damned Comments (12) (permalink)

Friday, November 5, 2004

Hot Paris Hilton Hits Big "Wow"

LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- Paris Hilton, proving once again that she’s not just a party-crazed, flat-chested bazillionairess with a mental capacity slightly below that of crabgrass, demonstrated her domination of the letter “H” this week, using the word ‘hot’ three times in under 30 seconds. Hilton’s... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 6:02 PM Damned Comments (6) (permalink)

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Martha to Fans: Stop Sending Money, Start Sending Cigarettes & Drugs

Into her second week of incarceration, Martha Stewart has written an open letter to her fans describing her ordeal and asking that supporters to stop sending gifts and money to her at the federal minimum security camp at Alderson, West Virginia. “I’m grateful to all of you that have shown your... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by mark2556 at 3:55 PM Damned Comments (21) (permalink)