The State Bore of Texas

‘SISSY SPORT’ FIXTURES BECOME LATEST SAME-SEXERS TO MARRY Houston (State Bore News) – In a moving, intimate ceremony Saturday at The Montrose Mansion, stand-ins for Lance Armstrong and Bill Dance exchanged vows and shared a deeply-felt kiss in sealing their mock same-sex union officiated by Justice of the Peace Pete Hillary. "This one was especially moving," Judge Hillary told The Bore. "When these two fellas exchanged their yellow ‘Live Strong’ bracelets, embraced each other’s nude sculpted... Sign in to see full entry.

HUSBAND WAS ‘ASKING FOR IT’ ANGRY JUDGE TELLS D.A.’s Houston (State Bore News) – After five weeks of testimony, Harris County State District Judge Sara Anne Mas-Delmismo abruptly ended the penis severing case against Maria Sinel Pene. The judge declared a directed verdict in favor of the defendant after the State of Texas rested its case. The Judge then angrily admonished the State for, "Nit-picking a woman for expressing well-earned disgust." The Judge called the case, "A domestic spat unfit... Sign in to see full entry.

JP FRUSTRATED BY CRITICS OF CAMPAIGN ON GAY MARRIAGE REFERENDUM Houston (State Bore News) – Controversy is again hounding Justice of the Peace Pete Hillary’s effort to draw attention to November’s referendum on same-sex marriage. "Most normal people think bicycling and fishing are for sissies," Judge Hillary told The Bore following a Thursday press conference in which he defended the latest ‘mock same-sex’ marriage. "But it looks like we may have hit a nerve with some people." Judge Hillary... Sign in to see full entry.

BUT BIN LADEN PERSONALLY DENIES AL QAIDA CONNECTION TO TODDLER TERRORISTS Houston (State Bore News) – Federal Homeland Security officials busted dozens of 3 and 4-year old children on Wednesday at Happy Land Horizons in Houston. Federal authorities told Fox News that the toddler terrorists were plotting bombings of their day care and various McDonald’s across Houston. But Osama Bin Laden issued a statement from his summer ranch in Wimberley, Texas, denying any connection to the toddler terror... Sign in to see full entry.

GROWING POPULATION PLEASES SOME, BUT OTHERS FEAR HOMOGENY Sugar Land, Texas (State Bore News) – When Imam Cody Smith first greets the 650 middle school males at Sweet Water Mosque & Islamic School near Houston, a raucous chorus of "Ooooh Muhammed. Oooh-Oooh Mu-haa-med" shakes the gym windows. A troupe of 14 young women in full burqa and veil shake and shimmy to the delight of the males who kneel on prayer rugs laid in neat rows spanning the width and depth of the cavernous gymnasium. "It’s 8:05,... Sign in to see full entry.

PRELUDE TO HOUSTON MAYORAL RACE BODES FOR UGLY FALL CAMPAIGN Kemah, Texas (State Bore News) – This year’s annual ‘August Melt-Down Count-Down’ at the Basura Blanco Yacht club in fashionable Kemah featured an ugly political edge. The tone of the event bodes for a nasty Fall mayoral campaign. Tempers were simmering in the worst of the Summer heat as Houston billionaire Thurston Howell, IV, emceed the event. Mr. Howell is a widely-speculated challenger to Mayor Bud Spalding for Houston’s top job.... Sign in to see full entry.

TEXAS A&M PREZ FIGHTIN’ MAD OVER TRANSLATION OF MASCOT'S MONIKER College Station (State Bore News) – Shock waves have been felt throughout Texas following publication of The Official Karanchua Nation Dictionary by Karanchua Nation President Earnest Manfork, Ph.D., and Bee County College Press. Among the controversial entries, ‘Aggie’ is alleged to be a derivative of a Karanchua Indian word meaning, ‘man of the planes who lays crops with his sister and harvests half-wits.’ "This is not a precise... Sign in to see full entry.

HOUSTON’S DAVE WELLS CHANGES IDENTITY TO SALVAGE HIS CAREER Houston (State Bore News) – In an exclusive interview with The Bore’s home bureau chief, popular Houston news icon Dave Wells has announced he’s making serious personal changes to remain a competitive force in the cut-throat market of tele-journalism news. "I’m now undergoing hormone replacement therapy," Wells told The Bore in an interview at his immaculate Galleria-area condo. "I’ll take the next step to complete the physical... Sign in to see full entry.

WHAT PLAYS ON FOX WON’T ALWAYS PLAY IN A TEXAS COURT ROOM Beaumont (State Bore News) – "When a top-rated prime time talker like Bill O’Reilly gets fed up with a Michael Moore," Texas Trial Lawyers Association President Mike Loud told The Bore, "there’s a reason why it’s so compelling to see him lean into Mr. Moore, squint, and audibly evacuate himself." But many Texas trial judges don’t care. "My God," Harris County Criminal District Court Judge Sara Anne Mas-Del-Mismo told The Bore in her lush... Sign in to see full entry.

MORMONS, JEHOVA WITNESSES ALSO IN THE MIX FOR FORMER ASTRODOME Houston (State Bore News) – Construction of three new professional sports stadiums in recent years appeared to spell doom for two Houston landmarks. But last week’s successful opening of Lakewood Church in what was once The Summit has resurrected that venue, and the entire Greenway Plaza area. Now, recent rumors that Al Qaeda hopes to nuke Houston may also bode new life for the Astrodome. "I’m just saying it might be a win-win... Sign in to see full entry.