The State Bore of Texas

TEXANS MOURN FATHER OF MODERN CONSERVATISM AMIDST QUESTIONS Waco (State Bore News) – Exactly who was Rev. Martin J. Tweed? Was he the soft-hearted Deacon who built the largest church in Dallas, but condemned the provision of food and clothing to street people in the Metroplex? Was he the Central Texas farmer/rancher/insurance sales professional who built an empire, but risked everything to bring the Texas Republican party back from extinction in the 1970's? Was he a he? Was he a she? Who was... Sign in to see full entry.

JUDGE TELLS WHINEY OLD LINERS: "GET OFF YOUR DUFFS AND GET BUSY" Houston (State Bore News) – Tinky-Winky and Sponge Bob Square Pants became the first same-sex couple to legally marry in Texas following an alleged ‘mock ceremony’ officiated by Houston Justice of the Peace Pete Hillary. The event was part of Judge Hillary’s personal campaign to call attention to Texas’ November referendum on same-sex unions, "by marrying obviously homosexual characters from popular culture, film and literature."... Sign in to see full entry.

MAS-DELMISMO INSTRUCTS LAWYERS TO REFER TO APPENDAGE AS ‘THING’ Houston (State Bore News) – As opening arguments began Friday in Houston’s penis severing case, Criminal State District Judge Sara Anne Mas-Delmismo instructed lawyers to refrain from the use of the word ‘penis’ because it makes her ill. "I think we can all be grown ups about this," Judge Mas-Delmismo instructed both lawyers and witnesses outside the presence of the jury. "We know what it is, so let’s just call it ‘Thing’ or... Sign in to see full entry.

"BETTER EYES, BREASTS AND TUCKS WEREN’T PURCHASED TO BE HIDDEN" El Paso (State Bore News) – State District Judge Araceli Calliente y Oliva is not pleased with the State Bar’s ‘ Sharia Law and the General Practitioner! ’ Continuing Legal Education seminar. The seminar requires all women attendees to wear a traditional burqa. "Yes, I am offended by the notion that I should cover up every inch of my body just to attend this seminar," Judge Calliente y Oliva told The Bore in her lush chambers in El... Sign in to see full entry.

‘I NEEDED TO FIND MYSELF’ TINKY WINKY SAYS ON EVE OF WEDDING Houston (State Bore News) – Is the caterer ready? Will the string quartet show? What about the cake? The Rabbi - how about Sponge Bob’s Rabbi? Judge Hillary? Has his honor confirmed? "Life was overwhelming," British children’s television character Tinky Winky told The Bore Wednesday as last minute arrangements cleared the way for Texas’ first same-sex union. "I’m, like, so totally sorry I ever ran off. I saw all the headlines about... Sign in to see full entry.

FEDERAL JUDGE REPORTEDLY FURIOUS OVER SCORNING BY BUSH Houston (State Bore News) – Houston Animal Control officers shot and killed the Bakersfield Chimp Tuesday night. The shooting followed President Bush’s primetime announcement of the nomination of D.C. Circuit Court Judge John Roberts to the United States Supreme Court. Federal Judge Chimp reportedly expected to be Bush’s nominee. The Judge became irate during a pressing interview by News 2 Houston! tele-reporter Cindy Jo Garza. The interview... Sign in to see full entry.

"OUR HOPES ARE HIGH" MRS. CHIMP SAYS OF PROSPECTIVE NOMINATION Washington (State Bore News) – Another house party, another fund raiser, another round of ‘G and T’ for The Bakersfield Chimp. Named only last month to a Texas Federal judgeship by President Bush just days following acquittal by a California jury of mauling an animal lover, Judge Chimp is widely speculated as the next associate justice to the United States Supreme Court. "We’re life-long Republicans, life-long patriots," Mrs. Chimp... Sign in to see full entry.

BUT STATE BAR INITIATIVE DRAWS FIRE FROM BACKWARD THINKING PARENTS Corpus Christi (State Bore News) – When former Olympic gymnast Rexy Jo Hutton first pitched her ‘Terror Training for Kids!’ videos to the State Bar's Lawyers in Public Schools Program, she hoped to share her own transformation with school children across Texas. But the videos have stirred controversy among the parents of those children. "It’s a long way from Cow Island, Texas, to like, Athens, Greece," Ms. Hutton told The Bore at... Sign in to see full entry.

DALLAS LAWYER BEMOANS PRESIDENT AS ‘PERFECT MODERN DAY WOMAN’ Dallas (State Bore News) – When Mitch McDonald agreed to hold the testicles and other manly part(s) of President Elect George W. Bush in trust on New Year’s Eve, 2000, he had no idea the immense moral struggle he was inviting. "Sometimes, it’s just downright unbearable," McDonald first told The Bore early Wednesday morning at his fashionable South Oak estate. "I have to watch my caffeine intake. I had to undergo hypnosis to help me... Sign in to see full entry.

RIOT ERRUPTS AS SPURNED SUITOR UPSTAGES ANNOUNCEMENT Houston (State Bore News) – Wearing matching tuxedos, life-sized Tinky-Winky and Sponge Bob Square Pants characters appeared at a Tuesday noon press conference with Houston Justice of the Peace Pete Hillary, who announced that he would marry the characters in a mock wedding on Saturday. The mock wedding is intended to stir voter interest in November’s referendum over same-sex marriages. But the announcement turned violent half-way through... Sign in to see full entry.