The State Bore of Texas

Saturday, May 17, 2008

BORE EXLUSIVE: SHOCKER!!! BACK-TO-BACK BUSH WEDDINGS!! BUSH HITCHES UP WITH SAUDI MAN; PRESIDENT CELEBRATES CALI SUPREME COURT DECISION WITH MID-EAST NUPTUALS; OTHER FIRST LADY SAID TO BE DISTRAUGHT RYAD (State Bore News) -- In a stunning endorsement of the California Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex unions, President George W. Bush married an unidentified Saudi man today at The Oil Palace near Ryad. Although few details were available at press time, White House press spokesman Scooter... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

MINISTER FEATHERKAHN TO BIPED DEVILS: LET BIG BIRD GO!

CRAWFORD COPS BATTLE ROWDY CROWDS, MOUNTING PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS AS BIG BIRD ROTS IN QUARANTINE Crawford, Texas (State Bore News) – The atmosphere outside President Bush’s Crawford, Texas ranch grew increasingly tense today as Avian Nation activists clashed with police and national guardsmen struggling to maintain order at the ranch. Authorities further confirmed that the number of birds and other feathered creatures camped outside the ranch now exceeds one million, presenting a growing public... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 24, 2005

FEATHERKAHN, OTHER BIG BIRD PALS PROTEST QUARANTINE

NATION OF AVIAN LEADER CALLS MUPPETS ‘GUTTER’ ENTERTAINMENT; FLYING FREAK CLAIMS BUSH PROMOTING ‘FRYING PAN’ MENTALITY Crawford, Texas (State Bore News) – Shouting slogans critical of President Bush, hostile Avianist activists blocked access to the Bush family compound Monday afternoon in Crawford, Texas, where Big Bird is under Federal flu quarantine. The loveable PBS icon is charged in a Federal Flu indictment with ‘plotting to kill America’s children and solgers (sic) with... poisonous... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

BIG BIRD WITHERING IN QUARANTINE AT BUSH RANCH

STATE BORE EXCLUSIVE: "I WANT TO DIE" GENTLE GIANT SAYS FROM CRAWFORD CAGE Crawford, Texas (State Bore News) – Showing obvious signs of exhaustion and apparent withdrawal from a reported methamphetimine addiction, Sesame Street’s Big Bird told The Bore’s Crawford, Texas bureau chief Wednesday afternoon that he’s ready to die. The droopy-mouthed Muppet sat in virtual silence, beak impaled in the cement floor of his cage, wearing nothing but his vomit-and-mucous-crusted feathers. Bird had been... Sign in to see full entry.

BIG BIRD BUSTED AS PATIENT-1 IN U.S. AVIAN FLU PANDEMIC

ICON DETAINED EN ROUTE TO HOUSTON SAME-SEX UNION; LOVEABLE FOWL UNDER GUARD OF MARINE BATTALION Dallas (State Bore News) – PBS icon Big Bird was detained in Dallas late Tuesday while changing planes en route to a same-sex union in Houston. The popular talking bird was reportedly ‘roughed up’ by federal transportation officials following an in-flight altercation with flight attendants with America West Airlines. The wild incident reportedly began with Bird drinking excessively, and then spitting... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

IMPEACH BUSH NOW! RITA TAKES AIM AT TEXAS, AND IT’S BUSH’S FAULT!

DIFFERENTLY-TINTED, DIFFERENTLY-ORIENTED AND CHILDREN OBVIOUS TARGETS OF ELITIST BUSH 'STORM' By Molly Ivins, Guest Columnist -- State Bore News Enough is enough! With Hurricane Rita bearing down on the Texas coast, the time has come for the impeachment of George W. Bush. He’s the meanest White man in the history of white men, and ‘Hurricane Rita’ is his latest attack on conventional trash, trash-of-color, and differently-oriented trash. George W. Bush has declared war on America. Well, I say –... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, September 4, 2005

RACE BAITING MAYOR NAGIN MARRIES ‘60 MINUTES’ HATE APOLOGIST PELLEY

IMPROMPTU WEDDING LATEST BY LOCAL J-P TO DRAW LIGHT ON REFERENDUM Houston (State Bore News) – "When I saw the love-fest interview between Mayor Ray Nagin and telejournalist Scott Pelley on 60 Minutes, I just knew they'd be our our next happy couple," Houston Justice of the Peace Pete Hillary told The Bore late Sunday night. "The backdrop of bloated corpses floating lazily along Burbon Street added so much to their praise-a-thon." Judge Hillary is conducting mock same-sex marriages between... Sign in to see full entry.

SHOTS FIRED AT EVACUEES; TEMPERS FLARE AMONG AID WORKERS

"GET OFF YOUR DUFF AND GET YOUR OWN ICE CREAM" JUDGE TELLS REFUGEES Houston (State Bore News) – Shots were fired Saturday at the Astrodome as tempers flared among aid workers described as ‘pressed to their limits’ with abusive treatment and expectant demands from evacuees from New Orleans. "Muchado about nothing," Houston Lullaby League President Merideth McInally told The Bore. "The shots were only fired as warnings. With certain people, bullets work better than words. These people tend to... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, September 2, 2005

‘WELCOME TO OUR NEW N . . . EIGHBORS’ HEARD THROUGHOUT HOUSTON

FOOD, HELPING HANDS AND JOB FAIRS GREET REFUGEES Houston (State Bore News) – "Forget the eyes of Texas," City of Houston spokesperson Mary Jo Goebbles told a group of local reporters gathered at a hastily-assembled Astrodome news conference Friday afternoon. "The entire world is watching Houston. New Orleans is a rotting, stinking corpse, and it’s our thankless job to scrape up the parts, scrub out the stains, and disinfect what’s left. Houston’s a city of life, and goddammit we care about... Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

ASTRODOME TO BECOME LARGEST KINGDOM HALL IN AMERICA

JEHOVAH WITNESSES OUTBID NATION OF ISLAM, OTHER ZEALOTS FOR DOME Houston (State Bore News) – The Watch Tower Society of Pennsylvania is expected to announce Monday its purchase of The Harris County Domed Stadium, popularly known as the Astrodome. The sale clears the path to the Dome becoming the largest Kingdom Hall in the United States, and may signal a move of the Society to Houston. Although details of the deal have not been released, it’s believed that the Watch Tower Society outbid other... Sign in to see full entry.

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