smart man
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said: "Call for backup." Sign in to see full entry.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
paint me
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm... Sign in to see full entry.
P.E.
Sign on company bulleting board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.” Sign in to see full entry.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
groaner alert
When they asked the two monocles why they never got together, they said they'd like to, but didn't want to make spectacles of themselves. Sign in to see full entry.
911
There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this: Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire squad right away? Take it easy, cats don’t hurt... Sign in to see full entry.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
groaner alert
Years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things: 1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Nothing. Not a single note for page after page; 2. There used to be... Sign in to see full entry.
musicians
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take... Sign in to see full entry.
Monday, October 20, 2014
programmers
Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? A. None. That's a hardware issue. Sign in to see full entry.
birthing
An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he... Sign in to see full entry.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
taxes
Everybody should pay their taxes with a smile, said Bob. “I tried it but they wanted cash.” Sign in to see full entry.