Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, December 29, 2003

Brave predictions from Not-so-dumb-ass.

This week, more people will die in Iraq. Far more people will die on our nations highways. With the failure of the England’s Beagle probe, Mars becomes the Boston Red Sox of space exploration. More money will be spent on entertainment in the U. S. this week than all medical research programs put together over the course of the entire year. The Mad Cow disaster will take a surprising turn when it is revealed that the diseased cow come from an off-course Mars probe that landed at Michael Jackson’s... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, December 27, 2003

The CIA and Tiger Poop

According to an AP article the CIA developed a listening device that resembled Tiger Poop to be used in the jungles of Viet Nam. Now that must have been an interesting Research and Development project. “No, no, no, how many times to I have to tell you Tiger, not Lion! Here, look closely, see the difference?” This device can be seen in the CIAs Gadget Museum but only if you’re CIA. One might also catch a glimpse of the ever popular microphone disguised as a Martini Olive, next to the Crossbow... Sign in to see full entry.

Nostrodamus

The History Channel has a special on Nossy, 500 years later. Of note, one learns that he had his “visions” late at night looking into a bowl of water. Also he was a leading expert at the time in Herbal healing. Ok, now it doesn’t take a lot of thought to imagine where the visions may have really come from. It’s a wonder the police didn’t become suspicious of all the late-night pizza deliveries. They also don’t mention the lost qautraine. A network of energy will replace mail of paper Information... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Odditiums and Entities

If you start chewing Nicorette, do you have to start smoking cigarettes to quit chewing gum? Peter Pan, is being re-done for the who-know-how many times. Just the name Peter Pan, there has to be a punch line in there somewhere. If Sam Walton, in an effort to lower construction costs left the vertical support structure of his stores wide open, could they still call it Wal*Mart? My wife asked me to water the cat, but doesn’t she know the sound of the sprinkler scares him do death? I got excited... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, December 22, 2003

The way things go these days.

If the Watergate Building were to be broken into for the purpose of political shenanigans this election, would it be called Watergate – gate? This morning I confused my Viagra with my Rogaine. What hair I have left is standing straight up, sort of a Don King do. Michael Jackson’s PR people claim there is no truth to the rumor that he will cover the ‘50s hit “Where the boys are”. I do not have a list blog, but if I did, it would have these unlikely Christmas Albums Butthole Surfurs tribute to... Sign in to see full entry.

Strange things in the news.

Recently reporters observed a rather peculiar ritual in the Rose Garden at the White House. Before a press conference, members of the administration were given various baseball bats and golf clubs. They then proceeded to dance in a circle around the president, whacking the ground smartly in a syncopated rhythm. The press core suddenly realized that this was rather easy to explain, given the current administrations proclivity to beat around the bush. Don’t tell me you didn’t see that coming! Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, December 19, 2003

These just barely in!

If your Father’s sister gets a new car, should she make sure she gets Auntie Lock Brakes? Suppose you work for a large padlock company, and your union goes on strike. Do they give you time off the picket line for coffee and donuts? Sort of an “Anti-Lock Break?” My Uncle married a Jewish woman, and the less sensitive in the family refer to her as “Auntie Semetic”. I was amazed to watch an old black and white Gunsmoke. It was the episode where Festus had a new job, or as he explained it, “Gawlee,... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Ahem

This could be the least relevant blog you will read all day! Whats in your CD player? Right now I have on random play: Led Zepplin (first album) Maria Mulaur Meet me where they play the blues Three Doors Down The better life 2nu Ponderous Dave Matthews Band Crash Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Dateline Iraq

A defiant Sadam Hussein displayed remnants of his inflated ego when he bragged to the ruling council that his hidey-hole was the biggest, best and most luxurious of all the hide-outs used by former Iraqi officials. A former cabinet official speaking on terms of anonymity commented to Crapload News, “Quite frankly, we are getting tired of his holier than thou attitude!” Crapload News, our Mission Statement, All the News that fits, Print it! Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, December 14, 2003

Stream of unconsciousness

I am a real chip aficionado, addicted to the crunch as it were. O once bet myself that I couldn’t eat just one. I lost. But I won. After all I did just eat one bag. There Lays the key to my weakness. I took my cat Chet to the vet to have him neutered. The vet had a particular fondness for Rocky Mountain Oysters. How do I know? As I left, I saw him roasting Chet’s nuts over an open fire. The phrase, as it were, peculiar thing to say. How do you conjugate that? Put it in a motel room with some... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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