Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Weird phrases.

Little Jr. Rockefeller and his sister are playing catch with a Ming Vase (the kind that are pronounced Vahz, dahling) when Papa enters the room. Immediately he bellows, “Put that down, I paid good money for that!” A common phrase “I paid good money for that” but I got to thinking of a permutation of that phrase, and it would be used thus: Little Godfather Jr. and his sister are playing catch with a Ming Vase (just some f***ing jar that your mother wanted) when the king of counterfeiting enters... Sign in to see full entry.

The Dangers of getting roasted.

A good reason to quit smoking pot. One Thanks Giving in the late ‘60s some friends were sitting around passing the time, indulging heavily in “Mary Jane”. Joint after joint was passed among the very hip group, until it was decided, “hey man, we oughta do somethin’”. With the room sliding and spinning like it was an out of control rainbow tilt-a-whirl it was a major effort to turn on the radio. But no matter how intently they watched, the radio was boring. More joints passed around. It was... Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, November 21, 2003

Leave me alone!

Ah ‘tis fall, and an old man’s fancy turns to thoughts of raking leaves. As I look for the rake, further threats of moving into a condo are forming along the edges of my disenchantment. Raking leaves is what really drove Scrooge over the edge. Wet soppy flattened leaves that by now have been impaled by the spiny grass. The rake is hanging just where I knew it would be, under the garden cultivator, shovel, shears, and snow shovel. I know it never works to take all those implements down in one... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Iraq get off our back!

Paul Bremer returned to Washington D.C. for a hasty meeting with President Bush. In the face of rising attatcks against U. S. troops, it was decided to outfit our fighting forces with shrapnel-proof jock straps and bras. Because as everyone knows....... The best part about waking up, is having soldiers in their cups. Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

UFOs

All so grand descending from the Mother Ship In and out of our lives they invisibly slip. Their must be some hidden away Somewhere Scientists busy solving the mystery Of just exactly what device is the Captains Chair? Roswell Roswell What did ye see? Nothing or something Or something that was nothing Had ‘ere been seen before. Earth floats in the midst of stars Surely the only spacecraft aren’t ours. What tales do you take back home? Were you watching as I made this poem? Always grandiose... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, October 23, 2003

When Limericks go bad.

There was a Michigan man overdosed on Viagra, floated unprotected down the river at Niagra. He went over the falls, didn’t bruise his balls but unfortunately he had to move to Nantucket. Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

The only thing worse than a bad pun, is a horrible pun.

Ok, if you were to invent an ink pen (I really hate to use that term, but it works here, I think) that could propel itself around the page and create on its own volition, what form of verse would it write? I am Bic pentameter, of course. Sign in to see full entry.

Friday, October 17, 2003

Fall leaves colors behind.

It is fall here, and the leaves are autumning. Or is it autumn here and the leaves are falling? It was a strange cloudy windy warm day so I decided to mow the lawn. It was nip and tuck whether I was keeping ahead of the onslaught of the leaves but I thought I was winning until I went inside to get a drink. When I came back out, the mower had disappeared, but there was this strange pile of leaves making a noise like a Briggs and Stratton. Fall colors and fart noises, the best of all worlds! Once... Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, October 6, 2003

Total recall

Tomorrow Californians will get to see if they are left with their chads hanging. Will it change anything? Will it start a landslide of recall re-elections? Show me an American that doesn’t think taxes are too high and that government is wildly wasteful. Suppose Arnold is driving one of his Hummers in his $5000 shoes and his $1500 haircut with his ever so tasteful suit. Could he be arrested for driving under the affluence? Sign in to see full entry.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

Gray Davis and the Circus

Oh! To live in California, land of promise, mostly promissory notes from the govt. Land where as near as one can tell, everything under the sun (and indeed the sun itself) causes cancer. L.A., New York City of the west, but not quite. Too warm, and the rivers aren't on fire. And now the butt of every policitcal jokester on the planet. To recall or not to recall, that is the question, whether it is nobler to bear the slings and arrows of Leno and Letterman or cough up a bundle for a recall... Sign in to see full entry.

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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