Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Friday, February 13, 2004

The snow beats a slow retreat.

The grassy spots under the trees grows bigger every day, and so I found myself headed out to those trees, pruning shears in hand. I vowed all last summer to trim those limbs that continually knocked my hat off when I was mowing the lawn. Actually, that’s not true, it’s been the last three summers. So, finally riled to the point of no recliner, I was set to do battle with those hat knockers. The first thing I discovered was the shears are relentlessly dull. One handle is bent, most likely due to... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

My fan club.

I joined a fan club once, it was pretty exciting. Every week we would meet at one of the members house and everyone would bring their fans. We had all kinds, box fans, oscillators, industrial squirrel cage and even battery operated personal cooling fans. The only thing is, our hair would always get messed up. This problem was solved when I joined a hair club for men! I got all worked up about learning to weave, I wanted to make a Persian rug, but instead they just tied a bunch of hair to my... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, February 5, 2004

WMD inspection snafu.

We need more time, more inspectors. No, that is not the U. N. it is the U. S. in a policy flip-flop that stands out like a sore thumb to anyone that remembers recent history. The U. S. better be careful. The U. N. may grow impatient and decide to take action where none is perceived to have taken place. Fellow citizens, be prepared. I am currently outfitting my own “Spider Hole”, complete with giga-screen TV and a freezer full of pizza. Janet Jackson has contacted me about being my room-mate, so... Sign in to see full entry.

Wednesday, February 4, 2004

What? He did what?

Everybody wanted to know what Justin Timbertoes had just done that was so sensational. So I grabbed my wife’s blouse, pulled it up and whipped up one side of her bra. My arm still hurts pretty bad, and the cast won’t come off for another six weeks. I tell everyone the black eyes are from some amateur boxing I was doing, and that isn’t too much of a stretch. My nuts are swollen, bruised and tender to any air currents in the Northern Hemisphere. When I spoke to her (through her attorney) I... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 31, 2004

I can’t believe it, it can’t be true.

But there it is in white and white. Nothing. Nada, zip. I haven’t posted any nonsense in two days. How can that be? There have to be things that need lampooned, ridiculed and satirized, aren’t there? I could ignore all the pain and humility that the Michael Jerckson case has caused, but good grief, I should have some respect for those involved. I wonder if Mikey ever touched my man dealie, I could use a couple of hundred million grand right about now. Yeah, and since it is really long (it goes... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

half of a top-ten list

WMDs are Weapons of Mass Deception, War of Mass Deception. We Meant Dildos. Elmer Fudd says WMD meant Weawy Mean Dictatow. Rush says Weak Minded Democrats. Today is hump day, but in the porn industry, every day is hump day. Hee Hee. Wal-mart adds a store a day in 04. Soon the last job in America will be a greeter at wal-mart, and you will have to compete with Donald Trump for that. Sign in to see full entry.

Monday, January 26, 2004

J’lo and who?

I just heard about the break up. That’s right, I do live in a cave, how’d you know? But I have cable. Cable hold door shut when wind blow. I also have TV but I went to a salutatorian for it and now I have an inhaler. Sorta floats around my head like a golden ring. Then it hit me, but when I woke up there was a lump on my head. But a lump on one’s head is not as bad as two on their behind. Speaking of Jennifer, she has a career, but what is he going to do? I mean work is slim these days, and... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Red Rover, Red Rover, send Opportunity right over.

Mars, the Martian plain is not so plane and that is a pain. Spirit sputters, NASA mutters, tries for frequent fryer miles. Will the 2 nd Rover fry its circuits? Will the 1 st Rover undergo therapy and find its center once again? One can only surmise after the Martian sunrise the science boys and girls will not get a surprise. One thing about a “personed” Mars mission, who in their right mind would want to go? Get into trouble on the Martian surface, push the OnStar button and all you get is... Sign in to see full entry.

Throwing your money down a rats ass-hole.

Is the insurance industry the most corrupt organization on the face of the planet? Could the Mafia get away with demanding that you carry insurance, then when you use it, they could raise your rates or even cancel your coverage? They take your money. You are afraid to make a claim. When you move to another company, the first one keeps ALL your money. What the hell? Lets start a fund that you keep the money! You paid it in, it should be yours, or at least a part of it. If I went up to you and... Sign in to see full entry.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Saddam are you singing?

It’s been a while since we heard anything from old SH it seems like a long time anyway. He is probably quite exhausted from the questioning sessions, I think he should take a break. I have prepared a few activities that should re-kindle his spirit. There is a theme here, and if you think you might find it offensive, please close your eyes as you read this. First a good shower would probably do him a world of good, and then quickly before he dries off, some nude snowmobiling would brace his... Sign in to see full entry.

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