Warped thoughts

By food4thought - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, September 13, 2004

Dark thoughts.

I just found out, 96% of the universe doesn’t exist. That’s right, we’re not all here! According to an article in the October 2004 issue of Discover Magazine, “most cosmologists agree that the universe consists mainly of invisible ingredients-dark matter and dark energy-yet there is little consensus about what these things are.” I’ll tell you what it is, TV remotes, car keys and combs that have been vacuumed through wormholes in the space-time continuum into another dimension. Scientists, they... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 8:56 PM | add or view comments (1) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, September 10, 2004

My glass is half full…

Mysteries of life. The question of the glass being half full. Mine is half full of liquid and half full of air. That is until I tip it on it’s side to look to see for sure, then my lap is half full. But that’s better than going off half cocked. What about that? If you are only half cocked, is it possible to get off? Er, excuse me, go off? Some of these wise sayings leave me flat. Like “look before you leap in front of a speeding pavement roller.” Shortly after Thomas Edison invented electricity,... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 6:48 PM | add or view comments (3) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, September 7, 2004

Stupid Idiots.

Ok, there are stupid people. They just don’t know any better than to put their tongue on a frozen pole. Then there are idiots. They know better but they do it anyway. Now there are stupid idiots who know better but can’t help from putting tongue to frozen pole repeatedly. They also will try putting various other body parts on the frozen pole in hope that something else will stick. They are the people that constantly change lanes in a traffic jam, then you wind up passing them anyway. They are... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 7:59 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Monday, September 6, 2004

Woman sues airline, wants her piece of the pie.

A Spokane area woman has sued an airline, claiming the trauma that she suffered at their hands has made it impossible for her to fly again. What did the airline do? They allegedly were none too subtle in informing the overweight woman that if she so much as lifted the armrest between the seats, she would be charged for two seats, since that is airline policy. Since the suit is ongoing (and I am too lazy to go find the article in the paper) I will not name the woman nor the airline since that is... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:30 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Wednesday, September 1, 2004

In the beginning.

Somewhere in the Pleistocene: An early morning board meeting of the Acme spear company is taking place. CEO Og steps to the podium (which is really an uprooted tree), clears his throat and speaks. “Meeting come to order. Today we talk about new spear. First spear really. R & D, what you come up with?” Bog stands, “Gentle cave persons, spear looking good, now need use!” Gog raises his hand, then offers, “Maybe brush teeth? Breath really bad, spear kill germs! 4 out of five dentists recommend... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:33 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Friday, August 20, 2004

Warped (yes, again!) thoughts.

“Star Date, August 20, 2004, hmm doesn’t sound as impressive as 20.0497/b3*276BA@13.759Aq 3 ®™. Oh well, it will have to do. This is captain James T Kirk of the rental Starship Enterprise, we seem to have lost our internet connection and cannot continue the mission until we can log onto Mapquest to get new co-ordinates.” “Captain, we have a guest beaming aboard, should we adjourn to the transporter room, since we weren’t expecting company.” “Good idea Spock, Uhura sound the All Hands on Deck.”... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:18 PM | add or view comments (4) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Am I crazy?

It has been suggested that yours truly has too much time on his hands, or maybe I am crazy. Anyone that thinks I have too much spare time is crazy. But then, if you are reading me, you’re not crazy at all, not yet at least. From time to time it may seem as if I am trying to drive you crazy. Guilty as charged, but I am only trying to draw you into the world inside my head. The one inhabited by my alter ego, the maniac that has a smart-ass answer for everything. The one that could get a person... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 12:35 AM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Hey, I live in a cave…and I knew that!

The original Olympians competed nude. Somehow this story seems to re-surface every four years. Of course we are talking the Summer, not the Winter Olympics here. The purpose? Not so they could check for Steroids, perhaps they were looking for hemorrhoids, for whatever reasons escape those of us in the modern era where we know for sure naked body parts will cause all sorts of social maladies. But in simpler times nude & naked athletic competition must have been very entertaining. Just exactly... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 9:03 PM | add or view comments (0) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Let me help you!

Watching movies or TV may never be the same! My long-suffering wife can attest that I can remedy dull, listless, moronic script writing found in much of today’s entertainment. Here is a familiar scene: A husband/wife in a room in bed, naked with someone else’s husband/wife. They are obviously engaged in sexual intercourse when one of their husbands/wives burst in catching them in the act. The owner of the husband/wife tries in vain to cover up with a sheet, then blurts out the most famous line... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:01 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Warped thoughts twisted tight.

“Spock, what class of vessel is that contraption?” “She’s the Millennium Falcon, Captain if my data is correct, and of course it always is!” “I’ve never heard of her, where is she from?” “Captain, I’ve hailed her and as near as I can translate, she is from a glaxy far far away a long time ago.” “Thank you Uhura, excellent job as usual, your usual bonus will be waiting in my cabin.” “Uhm, captain, I suddenly have this terrific migraine, maybe some other time?” “Very well Uhura, I’m not feeling... Sign in to see full entry.

posted by food4thought at 10:23 PM | add or view comments (2) | leave calling card | link to this | view only this entry

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About this Blog

Funny? Strange? Weird? It's all here. Generally the writing syle will be warp 11. Going boldly where no thoughts have (or maybe should) ever been before. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll scratch you head and wonder why? It's all in fun and maybe an occasional pun. All original, I only tell jokes at parties.

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