Oh no you didn't!

By Annicita - About Me - E-mail this page - Add to My Favorites - Add to Blog List - See other blogs in Humor

Monday, July 22, 2013

wonderings XI

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A... Sign in to see full entry.

wonderings X

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get... Sign in to see full entry.

wonderings IX

Why call then hot water heaters if the water is already hot? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box? When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? Why do... Sign in to see full entry.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you... Sign in to see full entry.

lawyer at the gates

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the... Sign in to see full entry.

at the pearly gates

T hree men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"... Sign in to see full entry.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don't suffer from... Sign in to see full entry.

reading bumper stickers

I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He... Sign in to see full entry.

Wonderings VIII

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Do blind eskimoes heave seeing-eye sled dogs? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? How come wrong numbers are never busy? Do... Sign in to see full entry.

Wonderings VII

Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container? Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car? Why call it a building if it's already been built? Why do kamikazee pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your... Sign in to see full entry.